My antiracist parent post this month
May 10, 2008 Adoption
It’s about the racist fee structure under which we adopted Madison and how I won’t keep this from her. I wrote it after a friend of mine said she would NOT tell her child that his adoption cost less because he is of African descent. I didn’t want to get into an argument about the fee structure, (which I think should be replaced by sliding scale based on adoptive parent income) or whether or not we should have used an agency that uses them (because it’s a moot point) but I wanted to discuss whether or not people think they should tell their kids. Actually I don’t want to argue that either so much as I want people to think about it and decide for themselves. Nobody’s gonna be able to change my mind — Madison will know at some point though I can’t say when or how because she’s four and she ain’t gonna know tomorrow. I just know that I won’t keep it from her. Why? I’ll tell you:
- Because it’s true. So much of the yucky parts of adoption are whitewashed purportedly to save feelings and I don’t think it does anyone any favors. My daughter has a right to her whole history. I’d have to shred all of our adoption papers, disguise the name of our agency and delete blog posts like these — in other words, lie — to keep the truth from her and I won’t do that.
- Because it’s out there. Other people in our lives know about the fee structure (we told Pennie sometime during that first year because it occurred to me that she likely didn’t know). I’d rather she find out in the appropriate context than overheard someone mentioning it to me or asking about it.
- Because I’m an activist. I write about this stuff. I talk about this stuff. I’d have to be a different person to keep my adoption reform thinking from my kids and I’m not that person. I want my children to think critically about the adoption industry just like I want them to think critically about other institutions. I want them to understand early on that they are not a reflection of other people’s ideas about their histories and experiences. Children are a commodity in adoption — there’s no hiding that.
I said this on a comment at ARP, but to my mind keeping this from her would be the same as not telling a daughter adopted from China about how the one-child policy is impacted by sexism. Ugly? Hard to talk about? Yes, but true and part of their histories, part of their stories.
I don’t want my daughter hearing about racist fee structures somewhere else and being afraid to ask me if her adoption cost less. Or worse yet, catching me in a lie about it.
Deesha, a woman I admire and respect, said, “My standard is this: If she finds out the truth, would she feel cheated or lied to, or feel as if some part of who she is has been withheld or misrepresented? If not, then it’s not part of her story. The fee structure issue (though this was not part of our experience) would fail this test.”
If it were me, I would feel cheated and lied to. Absolutely. Absolutely absolutely absolutely. It’s her history and this argument that this part of the adoption (signing the checks) is only my history isn’t true. Those are her adoption records put away in the keepsake box and they say right there how much the adoption cost. We saved the agency brochures and applications because they belong to her.
I feel like we folks in control of other people’s adoption stories have hidden the truth way too long in a misguided attempt to “protect” our kids. But when we do this we forget that they won’t always be kids and that they have a right to know the way that the machinations of other people have dictated the course of their lives.
I don’t know how or when it’ll come up but I expect that it will. And when it does, I’m going to tell the truth.
(For the record, every agency we contacted in Columbus used a racist fee structure and we knew we wanted to adopt from a local agency to up our chances of having a fully open adoption so that’s how we ended up there.)
May 10th, 2008 at 7:52 am
I had never heard of this until I read about Madison. I had heard you could get scholarships for adopting special needs kids- older, physically or emotionally challenged- but never heard of it in regards to race.
I would tell my child because it’s the first act that racism impacted her life. It’s not the last, and I’m sure that you will be working with her on how to handle it. It really does speak of the way race is handled in this society.
May 10th, 2008 at 8:00 am
@Lisa V:
I don’t know why I’m surprised that there are people who say they wouldn’t tell but I am. I think I wrote it wrong, (which is why I’m so frustrated — I hate when I write something wrong and can’t go back and edit it). I think I made it sound like I’d be defensive about it and say something like, “But it brought us YOU so it’s all ok” (because a couple of people say I shouldn’t let my guilt drive my disclosure) but that’s not what I meant. It’s not ok but I also don’t feel guilty about adopting through an agency that had those fees because every agency we looked at had them so I thought it was standard operating procedure. It wasn’t until Shannon adopted Nat that I knew that not every agency had a racist fee structure (because hers didn’t). They all do around here.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I’m confused. Are there more kids of African descent put up for adoption, or is it just that the agencies think they can get more $$ for a white baby from the same prospective adoptive parents who would only be willing to pay a portion of that for a darker-skinned baby? It seems so bizarre, since raising any child takes so much time/money/effort that the adoption fee would be the least of the parents’ worries.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Actually I think you wrote it really well. I think when Madison hears this it will outrage or hurt her as an African American, but not as individual. She knows her individual value to you and the world because you show her every day. Who sets this fee schedule was judging a supply and demand, racist mentality. That had nothing to do with Madison as a person, but it sure has a lot to do with how the world sees her and judges her. I would want my kid to know that just to help prepare her for what the world will bring.
I don’t think you sound defensive in the least. I am surprised people wouldn’t tell their children this. But then I always err on the side of giving my children too much information rather than hiding things from them in the name of protecting them.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I don’t think you sound defensive either. And I think this is the right decision for you. As unnamed, unwilling-to-tell friend, I’m still not ready to think about sharing this with my tot (or really tots, because the IA from Ethiopia–that’s also a less expensive option that many people choose because it is cheaper, and I’m not sure I could tackle that either). There are lots of really challenging things about adoption and about racism that we share on a regular basis. Elliott lives everyday with the implicit (and sometimes explicit) knowledge that white skin is more highly valued than brown. At this point in his life, I can’t think that demonstrating this in terms of dollars and sense is the right decision for me. Maybe I’ll feel differently in a few years, and certainly if he ever asked, I wouldn’t shrink from the truth, but for now, especially while he chooses to self-identify as ‘brown’ not white or AA, I feel that emphasis should be on learning to appreciate his AA self. He’s clearly identified by the rest of the world as AA, but he doesn’t see himself as AA no matter how we lead. As he grows more comfortable being AA, maybe I’ll be more comfortable sharing this part of his history.
May 10th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
The article was very good, Dawn, plus that topic is a good one to have visibility on ARP.
I posted my thoughts there, but the short version of them is that I don’t think I would try to address this issue with Madison in the context of her adoption paperwork. I think I would wait until she was older and it came up in the context of racial discrimination.
I’m coming at this from the point of view of having been through informal and formal review of our children’s paperwork, at home and in Korea. Perhaps because our adoptions are closed, our children’s files have a different meaning to them - almost like the source of their history. They represent the very tenuous link they have to their first parents, mothers in particular. I honestly don’t think I would want a discussion of fees to cloud that.
May 10th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
@Margie:
This is a good point, Margie, re., the paperwork and how that can have different meaning in different adoptions. I honestly don’t know how/when/in what context it’ll come up with Madison. It might be she catches something on a commercial for some 20/20 type program (didn’t they cover Canadians adopting African American kids? one of those news shows did).
I imagine that even realizing that adoption costs money is something that must hit many adoptees at some point — even if they knew it to *know* it must be a heavy issue.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
No question - and pretty much every adoptee I’ve heard talk about it opposes adoption fees period. How to achieve that is a whole other discussion, but the point is that the concept of “paying” anything to adopt is abhorrent to most adoptees I know.
M and I experienced an incident in a local restaurant long ago that triggered a conversation about this subject. The memory of that gives me an idea, which is that you might want to have a simple discussion with Madison at some point about the logistical process of adoption, and include the discussion of fees there. That might even give you an opportunity to weave in the issue of race-differentiated fees.
May 10th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
@Margie:
Margie, it’s moms like you who have walked this road already that are such a big help to me now! Which reminds me that I want to thank you for your very thoughtful, kind and loving comments on Open Adoption Support. I really appreciate your presence here and at OAS and on the many other blogs I read. Thanks!!!
May 10th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
“There is so much I would have done differently but had I done it differently, Madison wouldn’t be here.”
Amen to that. I wonder if this is a common feeling in adoption.
Our facilitator didn’t charge differently based on race. I too think that adoption fees are high, and should be scaled based on income more than on anything else. How do you feel about charging less to adopt real “special needs” kids, such as those with Down Syndrome? My first thought is that it frees up money to spend on the needs the child will have.
Racist fee structure or no, I don’t think the fee is really that important. The money that one pays is just one aspect of adoption. I can just see Jack going to someone at an adoption camp and saying, “My mom paid INSANE AMOUNT to adopt me, how much did yours pay?” So, I’m not planning on talking about the monetary aspect until I think Jack’s ready to handle sensitive information.
I also believe that society is changing. So-called “minorities” aren’t, and old school views will die. Maybe it’s just because I live in such a diverse area, but we don’t get the looks and questions, and no one has ever been rude to us. I’m researching all I can to make sure that Jack has a positive self-image. It just seems to me that, by the time our grandchildren get here, some of the “isms” will no longer be the issues that they sometimes are today.
May 11th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Terrific article - even though it’s taken me two days to be able to comment.
As for adoption fees - our family doesn’t really talk about finances. Any of us. So, even though we’ve saved all the paperwork around Lena’s adoption, it might not come up. Or it might. I do know that as a white couple, transracial adoptions were unavailable to us through our agency. They just don’t do that at all.
My sister, who had twins via IVF, did ask how much we paid. When we told her, she shrugged and said, “Yeah, that’s how much hospital expenses are.” I do know their IF experience cost them a hell of a lot more financially. I have no idea whether or not she and the girls’ dad will talk to them about that at all.