If you don’t see it, maybe you’re missing it
Obviously I’ve been thinking about Madison’s ballet class a whole lot. It looks like we’d need to sign her up for a private class unless we wait until fall because spring session is over and there isn’t much going on (that I’ve found so far) for summer. But I think we’ll head to the other rec centers to find her some summer activities. Sign ups aren’t going on yet but there are two close by rec centers that look like they might have some options and then Kristen is saying the one by Pennie might be good. Frankly private dance classes are outside our budget at the moment.
We live in a neighborhood that is somewhat racially mixed. Not on the level of my sister’s, which is probably half African-American and half white & Hispanic. But it’s not black enough. I don’t want Madison to be “the other black kid” in the class. My mom was saying (after this incident) that maybe Madison needs to go to school then but not this school district. Going in and seeing the classes made me realize that. The numbers on paper look a lot more encouraging than they are. I’m kicking myself for not moving to Erica’s neighborhood only we wanted Noah to be able to ride his bike to the library and swimming pool, etc. and he couldn’t have done that there. I know it was the right decision for Noah but maybe it wasn’t the right decision for Madison. Although it looks like the middle school has more black kids than the elementary school. (The middle school is also in this quadrant and when we go to the library we sometimes see the gym classes in the field nearby.)
But I’m willing to drive and heck, even gas prices hit five dollars a gallon, Erica’s neighborhood is an easy bike ride away. Ok, except for the one hill but that’s because I’m terribly out of shape these days. (sigh) It’s not impossible. And maybe we will move one of these days. Who can tell? Just because the housing market is tanked now and just because we’re too broke to think about taking on moving expenses doesn’t mean it’ll be that way forever, right?
Madison is feeling better now, I think, because she’s putting her feelings on the class and not on herself. I was talking to Brett about what I’ve found in the way of classes for her and Noah was sitting at the kitchen table and asked what was going on and I filled him in (he was at a friend’s house after class and missed the discussion). Madison, wandering by on her way to the bathroom, said, “Oh yeah, it’s all white kids there, Noah.” And she shook her head, meaningfully.
It’s important to me that she hears us talking about this and problem-solving and she hears her brother offering his support and understanding and that she hears us talking to her directly AND indirectly, you know? That she knows that we as a family are taking this on and that it matters to all of us that she feel comfortable and supported.
Every now and then I hear from other transracially adopting parents that their kids don’t have any problems. I heard this from a parent whose raising a black daughter in this community. Or just from plain old adoptive parents. They say, “Oh my kid never thinks about his/her adoption; s/he is totally fine with it.”
I just don’t buy it. But the other thing about it is this idea that to be “totally fine” means to be totally not talking about it or not thinking about it. To my mind it’s “totally fine” to be struggling. It’s “totally fine” to wonder and ask questions and to not always feel “totally fine”.
Madison skinned her knee the other day and she wailed the wail of boo-boo ridden preschoolers everywhere when she said, “But why do scrape have to hurt?” And I told her that the pain is there to tell us to pay attention. I said, “If your scrapes didn’t hurt we wouldn’t know that we needed to wash it out and get a band-aid. I’m glad that boo-boos hurt; that means they’re doing their job! But it’s still no fun to have one.”
Same goes with the rest of life’s boo-boos, right?
Great boo-boo analogy. And great for you to be having these discussions. I know you will work things out and it’s wonderful that Madison hears you taking it all quite seriously.
The nice thing about the spacing of your children is you could accomodate (is that spelled right?) both of their needs with schooling. Noah could start middle school, have some friends and you could move a couple of years after that and he could commute. In the mean time you spend those couple of years commuting to Erica’s neighborhood. Then you move. Market will be better. You will be more sure of what is the right decision. I’m assuming you have some sort of open enrollment where your kids can go to school where you want.
Or maybe they both will continue to be homeschooled and moving for school will be moot. Maybe you’ll move for neighborhood. Or maybe you’ll stay.
Or you guys could move here and help me raise chickens.
(Though our diversity is painfully small, 4 AA children in our school out of 188.)
@Lisa V:
Another reason to move? No chickens within our city’s limits! But my sister’s neighborhood? Chickens!
Amen. I think I told you before that when our friend adopted transracially for the second time, Liberty said very excitedly, “Oh, E is lucky because now he’s not the only one in his family with brown skin!” If it’s that obvious to a child that that would be something difficult to deal with, it should also be obvious to the rest of us. Good for you for not sweeping things under the rug. Your willingness to allow Maddie to feel and express her pain is very inspiring.
Where does Erica live? We can’t have chickens either.
School-wise, it’s the same in our district. The numbers for diversity are great, but you can end up in an all-white school easily.
i LOVE the boo boo analogy. this morning i was actually at a wkshop for adopting transracially, and- after watching a great video of older transracially adopted kids talking about their experience- some of the (white) parents were so horrified at the notion that their kids would struggle like that. but their stuggle was so normal and actually just as much about being nonwhite in our culture as being raised by white parents. it was like these a-parents had never heard people of color talk about what its like to live in a white and often racist culture. hello? sometimes it really sucks. i think the struggle is normal- not easy, surely- but normal and certainly healthy in the culture that we live in.
i think the way you’re dealing with it as a team is really great- looking at it not just as madison’s “problem” but all of yours. that’s so key i think.
Yes, the boo-boo analogy is great and all this talk about raising chickens is very much fun :-).
Once more I have to say thank you for sharing your experiences, thanks for being the open, sensitive, considerate parent that you are. It’s such an enriching and learning experience to read your blog — and then, there are all the great commenters, also compassionate, sensitive, and bright (not to mention fun). An all-around enriching experience!
On the parents who think everything is “totally fine” all the time–my mom was like that. We weren’t dealing with adoption or race or any “big” issues but my mom just glosses over things. If I was upset or melodramatic (see my defensiveness
or worried, I should have just not thought about it. Now that I am a mom, I try to validate my daughter’s feelings more. But it is hard–I definitely relate to your worries about Madison and what is adoption and what is personality. (which sounds weird to me, as we don’t have adoption as a structure in our family, but the way you approach her.) I feel like I learn so much on those posts. My daughter has been really dramatic and whiny and upset today…I should not gloss over this and think about what might be going on.
The talk of problemsolving and support in the family is going to be the lasting lesson here: we can’t get away from the personal politics of race, none of us, and to have such a clear and loving model of looking at the complications, talking about them, and working to make things different and better–that’s going to be great for all of you, even if, in the immediate moment, it’s not feeling so good.
[...] I was doing all that work, I was thinking of this post. And this one. And these two (one and two). Oh, and one more [...]
Yep boo-boos are life’s little teachers. For some people the questions and thinking are much easier to ignore and pretend that they don’t exist.
I’m Glad that UA has changed so much since I lived there. Sigh! I can’t even imagine being a child of color growing up there.