Things I’m glad I’ve done
Mar 31, 2008 Adoption, Parenting
I mentioned that the conference made me glad about some parenting choices we’ve made specifically in regards to parenting an adopted child. I’m going to share them here with the caveat that I don’t think that we did it “right” and anyone who does it differently is “wrong.” I’m sharing it to say that as I travel this road, it’s nice to look back at certain choices and say, “I feel good about that.” I talk a lot about the things that I don’t feel good about (when I look critically at adoption you can assume that the place I look at first and most critically is our own adoption) so I’m going to give myself a break here and talk about the things that don’t inspire even a modicum of guilt. Some of these are also choices we made for Noah and I’m glad about that, too.
- Not changing Madison’s name. I’m glad we didn’t do it even thought it meant neither of my kids was ever going to be able to take for granted that they’re the only people in a group with that particular name. (Both of them are hanging in the top ten lists for some years now.) I’m glad that she was born Madison Michael and remains Madison Michael. (And Pennie put our last name on the birth certificate so both birth certificates read the same name.)
- Carrying her everywhere until she decided to get down and move and even after although she was heavy right from the start and sometimes it wasn’t easy. I’m glad we used various slings and our beloved ellaroo wrap to keep her close. She took most of her afternoon naps tied to me even when she was a great big heavy toddler.
- Co-sleeping. I’m a huge fan of the family bed. I kinda want to write about my own memories around my transitional object (my beloved Pooh Bear) but I feel like it’d be unhelpful. Suffice to say that I wanted Brett and myself to be the main comfort to our kids until they choose otherwise and we have been. I’m glad about that.
- Feeding her every bottle while she was cradled in arms. My mom — who bottlefed the three of us but mourned that she didn’t breastfeed — told me early on that I should never let Madison hold her own bottle and that made sense to me because I figured I’d want it to be as close to nursing as possible. I took it pretty far — like I would take her hands off the bottle and put it on my hand holding the bottle because I wanted her to have skin-to-skin contact, not skin-to-plastic contact. But at the conference one of the presenters said that lactose in milk acts on the opiate center of the brain. That kind of good-feeling? I wanted Madison to get in the arms of her parents. (There was a time when I wanted to feed every bottle — and I did feed her most of them — but I lightened up and Brett did his share of feeding, too.) But we fed her cradled in our arms, cheek against our chest so she could hear our heartbeats. We both feel pretty good about that. (She still gets the occasional bottle, especially for bedtime and that’s fine by us because Noah was still nursing once a day at this age, too. Although for him his once a day was first thing in the morning.)
Like I said, I don’t think that if we’d done things differently that it would have been wrong or that Madison wouldn’t be thriving. More than a decade into this parenting gig I’m not convinced that kids are that fragile. And I also think parenting sanity is at a premium and that when we make choices we have to do that balancing our kids’ needs and our needs and our values and expectations as a family. But these are things that I feel good about and I feel met our values and expectations and that I look back on and still feel good about. Your mileage may vary.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:02 am
Since you were talking about the bottle, nursing, etc., I have to ask, but feel free to tell me to stuff it.
I remember vaguely that at one point (pre-match with the fabulous Pennie I think), that you were wearing whisper wear breast pumps to try and stimulate yourself for nursing. And then you decided not to, if I remember correctly based on what the first mom felt. I can’t remember if this was T (the placment that fell through) or Pennie or someone else. Or maybe there was some other reason you decided not to.
Is this something that you wish you had done regardless or something you regret you didn’t do or are you feeling like it was a good choice?
Not saying that anyone should discount what a first mom wants, but I wanted to just know about what YOU, dawn, felt about the situation.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:02 am
I am also into cosleeping (and gernally have a 5 yo and 10 yo in bed with me). I also took the same bottle approach (when I wasnt bfeeding). Having given birth to a 12 lb baby boy, I can so relate to carrying heavy kids…but like you, I did it too. While my kids are not adopted, I am happy with these choices as I do believe they have lent themselves well to my sons adjustments and general wonderful personalities.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:59 am
We held our kids so much people teased us they wouldn’t learn to walk. And ditto on the bottle. I even got glass bottles because they were heavier and I thought it would be less tempting for an infant to try to hold them. The other thing I did was shower and bath with Mallory until she was roughly two. I felt bad that she hadn’t gotten the skin to skin from breastfeeding, so I did everything I could to counter that.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Little Man came to us already sleeping through the night in his own bed, it has only been since we’ve moved to this house and he is in a toddler bed, but now he will crawl into bed with us during the night. Not every night but frequently enough that we are considering a king size bed.
I love knowing that he is there, I can hear him breathing contently as he sleeps. Although a foot in the rib in the middle of the night makes me think it through again.
We only got to bottle feed for a short time, he was just over 4 months when we were matched, and even to this day I still miss those cuddle times. He isn’t much of a cuddler so I miss the excuse to hold him for more than a few minutes at a time.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:49 pm
You know…considering how many things I may or may not have done wrong (or wish I had done differently) there are quite a few I’m glad I stuck to my gut feelings about even when others thought she was too old or it was just plain strange so I was happy to read this and the previous posts.
We did very similar things to foster attachment but it’s hard to do them w/ a toddler because EVERYONE had an opinion so for a long time I was a bit defensive.
We co-slept (weren’t technically allowed because of her foster status but did it anyway).
I carried her everywhere on a sling (’cause of my back! Oh my back!) and got lots of raised eyebrows because most people felt she was too old to be carried.
I would “feed” her some times (she was pefectly capable of doing it herself) and we used the sippy cup as a bottle so I could carry, gaze, and coo at her.
We also kept her name but now I regret not keeping the middle one (we did something really silly and let HER choose it…ugh…) and not hyphenating the last names so she could have kept her first dad’s name as well.
Anway…reading about your experience made me glad I stuck to my gut/instincts and weathered the stares and the stupid (or well meant but not helpful) comments. I don’t think we’d be as attached if I had not done all that! And a strong attachment is what has helped/is helping us navigate through some of the rough adoption waters.
I do have to admit that I think my “gut instinct” was tempered and/or molded by everything I was learning too so I’m grateful for how much you put out there (adoption as well as yourself).
Angela (eos)
March 31st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Yes, yes and yes. I wasn’t able to nurse at all, but I did lean Lena against my chest every time she had a bottle. We also co-slept for a very long time; until very recently she would wake up in the middle of the night and get into bed with us. I also used a carrier (actually we wound up using three different carriers) instead of a stroller.
In fact, I used the carrier to get Lena to sleep at night. I can honestly say that’s the one thing about her infancy/toddlerhood that I don’t miss.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:54 pm
You know… I have this question about transitional objects that I want to ask my blog readers someday (if anyone decides to respond) — I have this feeling that TOs are a cultural thing that we don’t have (or didn’t use to have, at least) in Brazil, that perhaps is tied to the fact that we’re much more physical there with children and even as adults (kissing and hugging strangers when meeting, etc)…. so what you’re saying there is that co-sleeping made YOU and Brett as her TOs? I mean… that’s what I always thought about us too and co-sleeping and b-feeding on demand until age 2 (18 months for Kel when I got pregnant), and that’s what Dr, Sears writes about, but I just thought I’d ask if that’s what you meant.
You also know that I’ve always been curious about how you weaned Noah and I know you don’t like to write about it. Kelvin had the exact same one morning nursing session a day up to age four, but I got fed-up and one week after his 4th b-day I told him: “No more” and I didn’t feel sad about it really… I kind of feel strange about that. And maybe I didn’t feel sad because I was still nursing Linton. Now, I didn’t really want to wean Linton, but it went well, considering the circumstances (he played ‘pretend nursing” for months almost daily after we stopped and I thought that it wasn’t a good sign, but I was at peace with it). Anyway… I just thought I’d ask (and I’m pretty sure I’ve shared my experience before).
Interestingly enough, in spite of the co-sleeping and b-feeding, we didn’t really wear the boys that much… We did carry them around, and still do. I guess that they’re lighter than most babies/kids.
March 31st, 2008 at 5:28 pm
i still carry my almost 3 year old son around a lot too and he’s so big (and i’m pretty little) that i think it looks like i’m carrying a man around. but i love the way it feels too, and find that if i indulge his needs to be baby-like, he goes off more confidently and independently after that.
i did think we’d cosleep, and yet we mostly don’t unless its obviously necessary. its been the right thing for all of us- but i can see how it might be different with a different child.
April 1st, 2008 at 6:32 am
I didn’t breast feed, so the last one resonated with me. P always had his last bottle at around 11 PM (odd schedule, I know), and some of my most treasured memories of his baby time was sitting in our kitchen with the lights very, very low while he enjoyed his midnight snack. He would coo, I would coo, and he would invariably drift off to deep sleep just as he finished it.
*contented sigh*