this woman’s work

Happy 4th birthday, Madison!

Mar 30, 2008 Adoption

She woke up and opened two presents: a doll with hair from us and (this will explain the specifics of the doll with hair) a barber kit from Noah. (Noah was helping her take all the barber stuff out and when he got out the straight razor he raised it above his head and started singing, “My friends… my faithful friends!” I love that kid!)

Had a great blogger meet up at Old Wive’s Tale last night. It was the perfect way to end a pretty good week. Attendees included (in order of appearance even though this is not quite right because Marley and Ron were there first but no on else was so they came back later):

Heather.pnr (sans firefly, sadly because I wanted to squish on her)

Me.

Shanamadele (who I only now realized I was mixing up with another blogger’s blog name even though I knew who she was as soon as she mentioned her work but I’m a twit)

Marley (who already has a pic of us all up!)

Ron Morgan (who should update more)

Jan Baker (with whom I gossiped a touch about adoption.com)

So fun!!! Lots of great discussion! Good food! Awesomeness!

A random selection of things I learned at the conference in honor of the child who inspired my appearance there:

• Adoptees have some special needs.
• But they are not broken, damaged people.
• Adoptive parents have an obligation to help their kids understand their special needs.
• We also have an obligation not to treat them like spun glass.
• Adopted kids are survivors, not victims. And are better served being recognized as suvivors, not victims.
• Madison is going to be more than ok. She’s going to take over the world! Noah will help her do it.

Sometimes it feels like dancing on a thin line — recognizing Madison’s grief while not becoming obsessed with seeing it. I heard from many adult adopted people that recognition is important but that too much emphasis on loss is stifling, I feel more confident about meeting her needs as I see ‘em come up without constantly trying to figure out if it’s an adoption issue or a parenting issues. I realize that it’s very easy to see her as someone else than who she would have been had she not been adopted. I’ve talked to Julia about this in regards to her kids’ illnesses. You can’t help but wonder, would things have looked like this if? Would they have been different if? But too much of that is an indulgence our kids can ill afford. Things look like THIS. This is who they are whether it’s because of the impact of this, that or the other. I think it’s the difference between seeing who they are as a distortion of who they could have/should have been and seeing them as exactly who they SHOULD be under the circumstances. I mean, I think Madison is just about the greatest little girl who ever graced this planet; I don’t think she could be any better had she NOT been adopted, you know? She is who she is in part because of her early experiences.

The Dutch researcher, René Hoksbergen (Tatjana! Here’s his site!), talked about emphasizing the positives (he is pretty down on adoption but up on adoptees, who he thinks are pretty terrific people for thriving under challenging circumstances). So Madison’s strength, resilience, adaptability — these are good things that she has developed/is developing perhaps in part to her experience of relinquishment and adoption. As she gets older and thinks more about identity, I can point out the positive ways she’s processed her experience to celebrate her adoptiveness while still recognizing her challenges. I can say, “Missing Pennie can be hard but what I’ve noticed about you is that you have always chosen to face things with optimism. I have faith in your ability to overcome hardships!” (Only I wouldn’t say it all stiff like that.)

This is a subtle paradigm shift for me but an important one. It’s not the same as dismissing her experience; it’s a different emphasis.

(Here I think of talking to Susan about worrying I’ll miss it when she’s asking for help and Susan rolled her eyes at me and said, “You WON’T. You’re here.” And I understand that what she’s saying is that I can rest on my raised awareness and trust my gut. Adoptive parents who spend time educating themselves about this stuff — reading books and blogs, going to conferences and workshops — have developed pretty good guts. This is pretty much what Ron said, too, only without as much eyerolling probably because he doesn’t know me as well as Susan does.)

More later! Off to open presents!

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