A very minor tragedy
My friend Kristen is sponsoring a kid photo contest but I won’t be playing. You want to know why? Because Brett — while saving Madison from a rogue wave — dropped our camera into the ocean. He was hoping it would dry out and work but so far no dice. It is salt water, after all. I’m glad he saved the kid especially considering her hard-won ocean happiness but am awfully sad about the camera. We’re planning to head to Klickitat Street and Grant Park — that’s a photo op I need to cover.
Also I realized that I left a sort of central outfit to my vacation wardrobe lying on my bed at home. You know how it is with trips this long — you have to pack with versatility in mind. So I packed work clothes (for the conference) and play clothes only the central play clothes outfit isn’t here so I’m at a loss.
Perhaps these two things were what led me to wake up at 2am in a stone cold panic worrying about 4.3 million other things. Things like: Who the hell is paying for all this anyway? (Me.) And how in the heck am I going to make sure all our expenses are covered when I’m taking a ridiculous 10+ days off? Which led me to the ever-popular: Who do I think I am anyway? Why am I not fourteen steps ahead of where I am career-wise? When will this agent get back to me and what if s/he says no and no one else wants it either?
That’s when all panic hell broke loose and the fears started coming fast and furious including: When am I going to get back to my exercise routine? Why did we buy this house that needs so much work? How in the world did Peanut get fleas and why did we have to find out after we left from the kind people who are caring for her? Why haven’t those two clients paid their bills yet and how can I get them to? How are we going to replace the camera? WHO’S PAYING FOR THIS ANYWAY? Can the kids really eat this much Easter candy without their little bodies going into total sugar shock?
I’m a worrier by nature and it’s always worse at night when all the monsters under the bed come out to play. I’m not feeling so hot this morning but maybe I can doze in the car on the way back to Portland.
I hear you loud and clear. I have varying degrees of this almost nightly (or more like wee early morningly).
Sorry to hear about the camera.
oh, the early morning worry goblins! so sorry to hear about that. and the camera.
i can’t wait to hear about the workshops- i wish i could go to all. i’m particularly interested in hearing how buoyancy has to do with adoption. my son is so similar to how you describe madison, which is partly why i love reading about her.
Ugh…I’m a worrier too and although I’ve made strides in silencing (killing!) that stupid voice inside my head I still plenty to occupy my mind.
Lately I’ve been “challenging” my negative thoughts and when that doesn’t work I keep telling myself “is this a life or death situation…a true emergency” and that sort of brings perspective to my anxieties….the sad thing is that I HAVE to remind myself that my husband and kids are healthy, we got food on the table, and things end up getting resolved in some way…but it does help me filter through the stuff that doesn’t really matter.
Another trick (for me) is thinking of the worse case scenario and some times I end up laughing…like the other day when I was stressing about money too I saw myself and family under a bridge and then I thought: not likely…I do have great supportive family that wouldn’t let that happen AND worse comes to worst I could work two jobs.
Hang in there…eventually the brain will clear and you’ll find your path again. Don’t let those ugly thoughts rob you of your fun and time w/ family. You’ll find a way to make work when you get back…’cause you are resourceful right?!
hugs,
p.s. glad about the kid and sorry about the camera.
Thanks Angela! And you know, I related to your anxiety dream because I know part of this is dreading this conference not just my presentation but having to really sit with the losses for Madison/Pennie way more than I usually do.
Ugh. Mine this morning were the tanking economy and our already precarious financial situation and what if I lost my job instead of MD and holy cow we’d loose the house and could we find a rental that would allow us both dogs and what if Cory died soon - at least it would be easier to find a rental and oh my gosh I’m going to hell.
Add to that our gas budget doubled this year and a dear friend of mine is going through hell wrt finances and job woes and it’s all a little close to home for comfort.
My usual strategy is to do something concrete to address the fears, even if it means getting out of bed at 2 a.m. and catching up the checkbook, but the only thing I could come up with this morning was a) sell the house and b) buy a rental property for us and all our friends to live in, so that at least we would have strength in numbers. I would have done really, really well on a commune.
Good luck at the conference, and sorry about the camera. The good news is you can get a decent digital point and shoot these days for $150 and under.
Middle of the night panic attacks. I know them well. They started for me in college, and I used to stave them off by going to the pottery shed to throw pots at 3am. Never took care of any of the things making me panic, of course. I still don’t, either. I handle them now by turning the light back on and picking my book back up.
That’s a real stinker about the camera.
I am prone to panic attacks while on vacation. A couple of years ago I had the best vacation ever (up to that point) — I was happy & having fun during the day, but nightmares every freaking night.
For the next vacation, I brought benedryl or melatonin or some such, to be *sure* I slept peacefully. I can work out those damn neurosis at HOME, yo.
ha! i could totally relate to your line of thinking. it’s also hilarious to segue so seamlessly between more important and less important worrying once you get on a roll, which alwyas happens to me.
Ick, what a night. And you capture it so well, i know the exact feeling, and yes, as chanie says the seguing back and forth between the important and the minor. Glad this day is past now and it sounds like the conference was great and you have a new camera to boot! Also glad about the kid and the wave!