Comments on: Coping mechanisms for introverts http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/ writing, mothering, writing about mothering Sun, 07 Sep 2008 08:43:50 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: linda http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/#comment-7670 linda Sun, 16 Mar 2008 14:16:39 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/#comment-7670 The social world of extroverts isn't always forgiving. There's an episode in my past that is burned into my memory for all time. Years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I dated a man who was 17 years older than me. Much of the time, I fake extroversion very well. But sometimes, when I'm tired, can't summon the energy or maybe just don't like the people I'm around or feel intimidated, I am quiet and withdrawn. That was the case at one small gathering of his friends. I was quiet, but must have appeared sullen or bored or aloof. At the end of the evening, one man said very pointedly, and in full hearing of everyone: "You know, you'd have a lot more friends if you were a little nicer." (The last word is unclear in my memory, but you get the spirit of his comment. It might have been "nicer" or "friendlier" or something similar like "made an effort.") Already feeling shy and out of my element, my heart raced, my face burned and I was tongue-tied. I murmured something about having plenty of friends, thanks. One woman -- the host -- jumped meekly, awkwardly, and with a bit of embarrassment, to my defence. The man I was dating -- a confident, high-spirited extrovert if there ever was one -- said nothing, as I recall. I always resented him for not speaking up and defending me. I wonder if it was his "duty" to say so, or not, but I felt so exposed, so hung out to dry, so deeply ashamed and embarrassed. I thought of all the biting comebacks later. It has always stayed with me -- the reminder that sometimes my passive, bland, observing face looks unfriendly, unkind and unapproachable to the rest of the world. The social world of extroverts isn’t always forgiving. There’s an episode in my past that is burned into my memory for all time. Years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I dated a man who was 17 years older than me. Much of the time, I fake extroversion very well. But sometimes, when I’m tired, can’t summon the energy or maybe just don’t like the people I’m around or feel intimidated, I am quiet and withdrawn. That was the case at one small gathering of his friends. I was quiet, but must have appeared sullen or bored or aloof. At the end of the evening, one man said very pointedly, and in full hearing of everyone: “You know, you’d have a lot more friends if you were a little nicer.” (The last word is unclear in my memory, but you get the spirit of his comment. It might have been “nicer” or “friendlier” or something similar like “made an effort.”) Already feeling shy and out of my element, my heart raced, my face burned and I was tongue-tied. I murmured something about having plenty of friends, thanks. One woman — the host — jumped meekly, awkwardly, and with a bit of embarrassment, to my defence. The man I was dating — a confident, high-spirited extrovert if there ever was one — said nothing, as I recall. I always resented him for not speaking up and defending me. I wonder if it was his “duty” to say so, or not, but I felt so exposed, so hung out to dry, so deeply ashamed and embarrassed. I thought of all the biting comebacks later. It has always stayed with me — the reminder that sometimes my passive, bland, observing face looks unfriendly, unkind and unapproachable to the rest of the world.

]]> By: cloudscome http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/#comment-7662 cloudscome Sun, 16 Mar 2008 10:25:18 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/#comment-7662 I am so much like you. I've been catching up on your blog and there are so many posts I want to reply to - but I'm just going to do this one cause you remind me of myself so much. I'm encouraged by that to no end! If you can do it so can I. I am so much like you. I’ve been catching up on your blog and there are so many posts I want to reply to - but I’m just going to do this one cause you remind me of myself so much. I’m encouraged by that to no end! If you can do it so can I.

]]> By: amy http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/#comment-7627 amy Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:45:52 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/#comment-7627 Finn is playing house presently thank you for the fun xoxoxoxo Finn is playing house presently
thank you for the fun xoxoxoxo

]]> By: Ally http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/#comment-7626 Ally Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:45:05 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/03/14/coping-mechanisms-for-introverts/#comment-7626 When I started in my current job, I was so intimidated. I thought that everything that came out of my mouth sounded lame and I did have a few embarrassing moments. But then, I realized that everyone, no matter who they are, no matter how powerful, how experienced, how brilliant, everyone on some occasion sounds like a moron. And since most people aren't brilliant and powerful, and often only marginally experienced, lots of people sound really stupid all the time. Another thing I taught myself to do is to talk slower. Instead of "um," pause. Instead of speaking right away, pause, compose the first few words. Look thoughtful, stroke your chin, whatever. Anything to keep from blurting out the first thing that comes to mind because my problem is I can't follow through - I turn into spazzo and say half a sentence that may have been smart, but since I couldn't finish it, makes me sound like an idiot. It's working too. I had two occasions in the past week to speak on panels in front of people with a microphone in my face, and I think I sounded somewhat like I knew what I was talking about! When I started in my current job, I was so intimidated. I thought that everything that came out of my mouth sounded lame and I did have a few embarrassing moments. But then, I realized that everyone, no matter who they are, no matter how powerful, how experienced, how brilliant, everyone on some occasion sounds like a moron.

And since most people aren’t brilliant and powerful, and often only marginally experienced, lots of people sound really stupid all the time.

Another thing I taught myself to do is to talk slower. Instead of “um,” pause. Instead of speaking right away, pause, compose the first few words. Look thoughtful, stroke your chin, whatever. Anything to keep from blurting out the first thing that comes to mind because my problem is I can’t follow through - I turn into spazzo and say half a sentence that may have been smart, but since I couldn’t finish it, makes me sound like an idiot.

It’s working too. I had two occasions in the past week to speak on panels in front of people with a microphone in my face, and I think I sounded somewhat like I knew what I was talking about!

]]>