Another easy one
From Vicki: Do you get a lot of people wanting to talk to you about the stories or situations of adoption that they know about in their own lives? Not people who are actually involved in adoption, but people who have neighbors with adopted kids, or a friend who adopted and it was sort of open and the friend was kind of not sure about openness, or knew someone at work whose daughter had a baby that was adopted.
Yes! These are the general kinds of comments I get most:
“I’ve thought of adopting!”
Sometimes the tone is self-congratulatory, sometimes it’s because they think it means we have something in common, sometimes it’s because they want some information. In the first two cases I never really know what to say. I mean, if people want more information then we can talk. But if they’re hoping for excitement and instant rapport they’re not going to get it from me. I’ve been there. I’ve been that annoying person telling people who actually DO foster care — “Hey! I’ve thought of that!” Lemme tell you, thinking about it and doing it are totally different things. Usually I stumble and stammer and try to figure out how they’re thinking about adoption before I know how to react. Awkward. Once I rather rudely said, “Oh well, don’t.” But in my defense she was talking domestic infant adoption in the guise of saving little lost black babies.
“I have friends who adopted and…”
Sometimes they’re just making conversation, sometimes they want to talk about an aspect of adoption and get my point of view. Sometimes they’re hoping for a specific response (much like the expectations that come with the comment above). Usually it’s making conversation. Very very occasionally they want advice.
“I know someone who is a birth parent and this is her story…”
Once I’ve “come out” as being first parent friendly I hear a lot A LOT of these stories. I only hear them after they understand that we have a positive attitude towards Pennie and welcome her participation in Madison’s life. There are a lot of people who are visibly relieved when they hear that Madison hasn’t completely lost Pennie and vice versa. Said one woman, “That’s really the only humane way to do an adoption.” (Note: The most moving encounters are with people who are adoptees and who sometimes start to cry when they learn Madison sees Pennie. For all the arguments from adoptive parents I get online, it’s the positive encouragement I get from adoptees that keeps me convinced that openness is a good idea.)
“I know this horrible story where this birth mom did this horrible thing and I assume you will join me in sympathy to the adoptive/potential adoptive parents.”
Ugh. Hate these. Who wants to argue with people you barely know? (I only like to do that on the internet — so much less fun face-to-face without spell-check.) Because I don’t want to argue but I can’t just nod and agree, I tend to say, “Well, I wonder if …” or “I kinda think…” I know, it’s a soft-sell but it’s a start. Sometimes people are startled then say, “You know, now that you mention it, this did rub me the wrong way.” Honestly, I think a lot of people outside of adoption are ready to hear another point of view but didn’t know that another point of view is even allowed. At least I’ve come to think that since nearly every time these alleged horror stories come up the people I’m talking to end up talking about the shades of grey obvious in any adoption.
And, are you going to post a picture of your new hairdo?
Umm, no. I’m shy like that. (I’m not all that photogenic, which is a fact I choose not to confront if I don’t have to!)
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