I know I keep repeating myself
Feb 25, 2008 Adoption
I got a rather passive-aggressive email from an adoptive parent the other day that first told me everything I was doing wrong for the adoptive parent community and then gave me golf claps (you know: clap. clap. clap.) telling me to keep “fighting for the birthmoms.”
Some people are clueless because here’s the thing: the way we treat first mothers — or any other marginalized woman — is indicative of how we treat women. We’re all one bad sexual encounter away — real or imagined upon us — from being called a slut. Sooner or later any one of us could end up with a big old red A across our chest so it behooves us, I think, to pay attention to how the world treats women we think of as “not us.” Because we are all of us in this together.
I have to go to a meeting (that I’d rather miss) and you guys are likely sick of me and my little platitudes any old way.
Hey, I have an idea! You guys ask me stuff. Pretty please? About any old thing — I’m easy. (As you all know now, right?) I don’t care if it’s adoption or not. And feel free to challenge me or not.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Oh Dawn, be careful what offers you put out there, even if they’re sarcastic (as I suspect this was?). I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to pick your brain and get your thoughts about lots of things, because you’re kinda my mommy hero (ok, and I maybe have a girl crush on you). I’m pretty sure, though, that if I started directing all my questions your way, you’d not only ban my e-mail address from here, you’d also drop me from writing group!
February 25th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Here’s my question… have you ever been to Halifax, Nova Scotia? Cause if not, you really should com climb the rocks at Peggy’s cove!!!
February 25th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Uh boy. Sorry for the PA BS you are getting - even from your own “side”. As noted previously, been there. Done that. And funny bones done calm those kind of beasts. You are not signing the adoption mantra Dawn, how DARE you! You, single handedly, might stop the entire adoption industry and what will those poor PAPS do if YOU stop them from getting babies they can call their own?
Here is a thought, a crazy one at that, imagine a world where prospective adopters HAD to adopt from foster care - and they were no newborns there. Only say toddlers or older children?
Would they?
What would happen to adoption?
Would it become more grisly and decietful? Would PAPS not adopt? Might someone work harder to cure infertility?
Just imagine. Play along. Be creative.
I am curious what you might come up with.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Inquiring minds wanna know…how did the “do” come out?LOL Do you like it?
What is your 5 or 10 yr plan…do you have one? As in “where would you like your life/family/work to be in 5 or 10 yrs? (I’d like to be living by the ocean but unless we win the lottery it won’t be likely!LOL)
How did you know your family was complete at two kids (did you always just want two or did “adoption” play a role in stopping at this point?” For me it has been age…yes, I KNOW that I’m relatively young but good grief…I’m TIIIIRED!LOL
If you weren’t a writer what would you be? or is that like asking you If you weren’t alive what would you be?LOL
Careful what you ask for!LOL
February 25th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
As someone whom others have called a feminist, but who remains clueless about what, exactly, that means (I still think Gloria Steinem and bra burning) … I’d love to see you address more about that, as it pertains to adoption.
I can’t really articulate my feelings about mens’ presence and absence within the context. It seems (at least some of) the very few men who have spoken up within the adoption community have (relatively quickly) found themselves in positions of authority. And, thus, speaking for women. (Not dissing men here. I know some birthdads who’ve had their rights utterly trampled and are trying to address that … and at least Gritter and Pertman have attempted to shed light on some things.)
I find it both sad and telling that discussing adoption so often pits woman against woman. I find it telling that, in general, we still live in a blame-the-mother/woman society … and the adoption discussion often becomes a kind of extension of that. Woman blaming woman. Mother blaming mother. Children blaming mother. I wonder if men get into frequent arguments about who the “real” father is??? If not, why?
Hope this is making some sense, as it’s something I’ve not yet attempted to articulate much. Seems way too Freudian for 2008.
Disclaimer: I like men, really. I love at least a couple. In fact, I’m sitting beside my flu-ridden hubby right now about to make his lunch.
February 25th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Ooh, and T beat me too it. I also want to hear your thoughts on the dads.
Why is this a female issue when TWO people make a baby?
Why are the men cast aside or in some cases allowed to scamper off?
How can we get society to hold men accountable for the children they bear?
Would adoption be different if MEN were the ones getting pregnant?
Yes, do, please talk more about the men too.
February 25th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Here is a thought, a crazy one at that, imagine a world where prospective adopters HAD to adopt from foster care - and they were no newborns there. Only say toddlers or older children?
I would think it pretty hypocritical considering adopting a newborn is exactly what Dawn did. I do go for “do as I say, not as I do.”
February 25th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I have missed a lot of the bruhaha because I have been sick, but apparently it must have been a doozy! I dont’ know if these questions are related to adoption or not, but I want to know:
-What do you think is your biggest parenting success so far?
-What do you think is your biggest parenting failure?
-Are you still showering at the inlaws or did Brett get the bathroom completed?
February 25th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Would adoption be different if MEN were the ones getting pregnant?
LOL! Honestly, I think we would see abortion sky-rocket like nobody’s business and I don’t think we’d be hearing any whining about how using condoms kills the mood.
February 25th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I don’t have any questions for you. I just wish I could come down and do coffee with you. Or, well, tea is more my drink these days. But I can’t get my tired butt down that far these days. *Big sigh*
February 25th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Yeah, I want to know about the haircut too!
And who are you voting for next Tuesday?
February 25th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
How’s Noah, especially with regard to school?
February 25th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I’m just catching up, here. I like this short but sweet post — Totally get the scarlet “A” being one encounter away! I myself have been called a “hussy” by a male who was supposedly my friend.
I just posted about our older son’s difficulties with women (me!) in authority. I’m feeling better about it all now, but I am so concerned about raising men who respect women. Especially their first mother — I’ve been consistently bringing her up, asking questions, affirming her place in their lives. So far, older son doesn’t choose to comment. Younger son seems to have romanticized her as his “wutit” (milk) benefactor.
I don’t know if you’re done answering questions, but I was wondering about your decision not to adopt the same way — does that mean domestic infant adoption specifically? Or the agency you chose? We too are overwhelmed with parenting, though I have to admit my shallow desire to parent a little girl. Sigh.
February 25th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
My question is–do you get a lot of people wanting to talk to you about the stories or situations of adoption that they know about in their own lives? Not people who are actually involved in adoption, but people who have neighbors with adopted kids, or a friend who adopted and it was sort of open and the friend was kind of not sure about openness, or knew someone at work whose daughter had a baby that was adopted.
And, are you going to post a picture of your new hairdo?
February 26th, 2008 at 8:48 am
For whatever it’s worth, you can keep repeating yourself as often as you like as long as it’s to keep standing up for women, and understanding the link we all share, especially those that have been marginalized.
I could read that all day long
It’s so refreshing to read and it provides me with hope, that is much needed.
Hmm…questions….everyone else’s are really good! I’ll come back if I think of something.
February 26th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Thanks for repeating yourself. Clearly, people still don’t get the idea of looking outside of ourselves and being part of the solution.
March 9th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
[...] In response to this post, Angela asked, “What is your 5 or 10 yr plan…do you have one? As in “where would you like your life/family/work to be in 5 or 10 yrs?” [...]