The myths that don’t fly here
Attention people dropping by who haven’t read my blog. On this blog you will not find support for the following myths:
- Adoptive parents aren’t more privileged — they’re just more deserving.
- First parents are by definition irresponsible.
- Women who are too young, too old, too poor, or too single make bad parents.
- There is no such thing as adoption loss.
- The adoption industry is just, fair and equitable.
Got it? Comments that argue any of this will go through (I don’t moderate anything but spam and once I deleted some guy who had some ugly things to say about Jewish people) but you’re wasting your time if you think you’re going to be changing any minds.
I left this in response to an ignorant comment (scroll down at your own risk): Privilege is “a special advantage or immunity or benefit not enjoyed by all.” My privilege as an adoptive parent is unearned. I am not better than my daughter’s first mother; I am luckier.
If we had to “earn” babies based on the rules (as Andrea, the commenter, describes these socially constructed ideals) I would not have any. I had sex very young, fairly often, with a number of different men before I met my husband. I didn’t happen to get pregnant until after I was married but only because my birth control (when I used it) didn’t fail. Sheer luck. I was less responsible that my daughter’s first mother and frankly quite a bit sluttier. The difference? She is more fertile. It’s damn unfair that her reproductive life is open to censure when she was more responsible and more discerning than I was. Lucky me, I get to hang the “good woman” sign around my neck because people mistakenly believe that I earned her baby. Listen, that homestudy ain’t all that hard to pass. What — some fingerprinting? A doctor’s approval? Signed checks?
I didn’t work harder; I got luckier. LUCKIER. That’s it. (My infertility saved my ass because seriously — ask my mother. I was sleeping around.)
You can’t look at any woman who had an unexpected pregnancy and assume ANYTHING about her or her behavior except that at some point she had sex. You cannot assume she did it willingly. You cannot assume she did it unprotected. Besides which, so what if she did? It doesn’t say a damn thing about her ability to parent.
Let’s play fair on this blog. I will promise not to lump every adoptive parent in with the predatory pedophiles who use adoption as their own means of procuring children and commenters like misguided Andrea can promise to quit making out like any woman who placed a child got the grief that she deserves.
RRgggh.
I’m too busy at my actual bill-paying job to finish the post I’ve been writing about the whole megillah around privilege and responsibility. To summarize: I don’t feel guilty about the fact that I have privilege my child’s b-parents could never dream of.
I feel ashamed to live in a world in which acknowledging that privilege, especially in the context of reforming anything–the IMF, adoption law, World Bank microcredit, water policy, whatever–is brushed off as ‘guilt’. I’m not better than they are, and lord knows I didn’t work harder, I’m just way luckier.
Being accountable for our privilege, whether it’s derived from our status as full citizens in a country where women are allowed many choices for our lives or from race or from inherited advantages, is nothing to be afraid of. I don’t have to literally make reparations to the descendants of former slaves just after I recognize that I benefit from white privilege. Accountability is not liability. So I guess what I cannot understand about Andrea and everyone like her is: What are you afraid of?
What would have to change, in your opinion, if T were correct about her life and you were just wrong?
STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!! Still standing…still applauding…this is definitely one of those standing ovations that goes on for way too long, so long that the people in the audience who are less excited are looking around going, can we sit yet? Seriously? More clapping? *sigh*
This post rocks like Metallica.
*CLap* *Clap* *Clap*
Can I also say how much I love the fact that you are much sluttier than Pennie and not afraid to admit it?
(Phoenix, I’m just gonna stand behind you over here and say, “Yeah! What she said!”)
Wow, just WOW! Great post. FABULOUS actually. I love your direct and spot on approach at mediation with those who “have it all figured out”. But then you know I’m a real fan of the whole mediation thing. ;o)
I posted a comment on the other thread. Wondering if you would consider responding as a blog post? Or perhaps you already have one somewhere? Just send me the link if you do. I am very curious what your thoughts are on those types that refuse to believe there is anything wrong in adoption.
Dawn, you do indeed rock. Seriously, this post took huevos (or whatever the female brand of huevos is??)
Huevos? Meaning eggs? Or is my spanish messed up? Or was that an intended fertility pun?
Perhaps cojones? Hee hee.
Dawn, I too HAD to comment, this post rocks the house. Seriously, EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE needs to read it. Thank you.
Heh. You’re a slut. Join the club! But I think you need an invite to the slut club because you’re probably just making it up to be cool like us birth moms. You know it.
Muahaha.
Jenna, you can ask my mother. She knows WAY too much about my wayward youth!
My favorite line is one my friend Mart delivered when I was feeling bad about some boy or other. I said, “Mart, do you think I’m easy?” And he said gently, “Well, you’re not HARD…”
Dawn…you slut!LOL
I was sluttier than my daughter’s first mom too!LOL I got “saved” from having to consider abortion (which I did at least once) and/or adoption (which I wasn’t sure about as I was fervently pro-choice and thought I’d go that route) during my teens by my infertility (weird…to think of something that has caused me so much pain as a positive at some point). If it had happened and if I had been convinced to place instead of abort I could very easily had been on the other side of the equation now.
huevos: eggs but also slang for testicles
cojones: for some Hispanics a cuss word also slang for “testicles” but for some it is just simply slang for “testicles” denoting “you are brazen!” and not necessarily a bad word. (since I grew up w/ it as a “cuss” word I cringe every time I hear it…but I understand that it’s a regional/situational thing)
Oh, “huevos” is a potty-mouthed term we here in CA often use for “balls.” Since women don’t have them … well, I’ll have to come up with a better definition.
Dawn -
Thank you for posting this. Somehow the last post you made got turned into a discussion about the points you’ve made here and I’m frankly embarrassed to have been a part of the beginning of it. How it got that diluted is just… sick.
I want to also add that I feel the following is also true:
AN ADOPTIVE PARENT IS NOT… a parent until the adoption is final and legal (emphasis on legal). One is not an ‘adoptive parent’ while a child is in utero and an expectant mother is considering placement. One is not an adoptive parent at any point during the process until they are signed, stamped and certified as the child’s parents (again, emphasis on the legality of such). One only becomes an adoptive parent after another parent has become one first.
IN REGARDS TO ‘BIRTH MOTHERS’: One is not a birth mother until one has legally surrendered their child to adoption. One is an “expectant mother” while a child is in utero regardless if the mother is considering adoption or not. One is a MOTHER when one is pregnant with child, has given birth to said child, and parents said child. One is STILL A MOTHER even after an adoption has taken place (again, emphasis on legality). Once a mother, always a mother.
“Listen, that homestudy ain’t all that hard to pass. What — some fingerprinting? A doctor’s approval? Signed checks?”
I think homestudies vary depending on who does them. Our homestudy was quite grueling and took 7 weeks to complete (7 physical visits to our home) plus all the usual paperwork. And what did it prove? Apparently nothing, since my exhusband left my son and I 3 months after our adoption. Yeah, so the homestudy was ever so accurate. As it turned out, I/we are just as human as anyone else…
i am loving the eggs and balls conversation.
First off, more applause for Dawn’s fab post. Shannon from Peter’s Cross Station turned me on to you, Dawn, and I have been enjoying your blog very much ever since (as well as Suz’s and Claud’s, which I think I found via Shannon as well. Look to posts in your Comments section sometime in the near future).
Second, I want to add a bit of my own story to Dawn’s in order to showcase the weirdness that is anyone thinking I, as a fairly typical prospective adoptive mother (at least upon first viewing), am somehow natural genetic uber-Mother material simply because I have the stability and the means to adopt at this point in time. We just had our individual Homestudy interviews, right? After writing these long autobiographies? Now, I don’t have sluttitude to my credit, but I did spend several hours with our counselor going over the following:
1. My family’s extensive history of untreated mental illness and substance abuse
2. My own experience of child abuse and resultant PTSD, and the work I’ve done to get myself to a point where I can maintain a stable home and a positive relationship with a great spouse
3. The time I spent living in my car, and other adventures in sub-optimal lifestyle choices between ages 18 and 26
4. The creative creation of our “chosen family”, since our biological families are still too messed up to merit a lot of contact
There was other stuff, but long story short: Until about age 30, I would have felt totally emotionally unfit to parent if I’d become pregnant and been unable to procure an abortion (an option for me, morally and ethically). I could so, so easily have become a first mother during that time period, had things gone differently for me. That I now feel confident about my ability to be a good mother is due solely to the fact that I had the time, resources, and support available to me that I needed in order to work through the stuff that previously made parenting seem about as realistic and obtainable for me as an all-expenses-paid early retirement in tropical paradise.
That I personally have been able to secure and maintain a previously undreamed-of level of stability in my 30s — so much so that I AM able to put myself out there as a prospective adopter, passing the homestudy and everything! — is testimony to the definition of “priviledge” that Dawn has laid out for us. Yes, it’s taken initiative and hard work on my part, but there weren’t a lot of roadblocks in my way when I started trying to make necessary changes in my life. I was also able to choose not to be sexually active during my most vulnerable time period, unlike girlfriends who were either forced to have sex or who found themselves in situations where exchanging sex for survival needs was the lesser of several crappy options. That too is priviledge in action. I was no more “deserving” during the depth of my time than any other woman, but I had a lot more help than many in keeping myself safe and not-pregnant until I could climb out of that hole.
That anyone would suggest I should consider myself more deserving of motherhood or a “better person” or whatever other words one wants to use to elevate/diminish women into categories based on who gets to adopt vs. who relinquishes… please just shut up. Like Dawn, I simply got lucky.
Also: It strikes me as weird that *anyone* can be considered “screened and approved” for adoption based on a few hours of talk and a background check. Especially people like me, whose life experiences generally compell them to excell at lying and other forms of subterfuge. If I was a social worker, would *I* approve me for adoption? I mean, I’m personally cool and all… but I’m not sure what this says for the average agency screening process.
I heart you, Dawn. Seriously. That is all.
As a birthmom, I thank you for this post… Thank you, thank you, thank you…
[...] at Dawn’s blog there have been some ongoing discussions about what leads women to surrender their children, why first parents blog, and what “moving [...]
Well darn it, I am just crazy about you. I wanna print this up and stand on the side of a street and hand it out or something. Love it, love you.
Even if you were a slut!
[...] night at writers group, my friend Sarah told me that she was thinking on this post (the one where I out myself as a former slut) and she was wondering why the thinking felt familiar [...]