My response to a response
I tried to comment on Krississippi’s blog but my comment got eaten somehow so I’m bringing it over here. (I’m rushing — I have an 11am meeting across town and it’s seven ’til ten but I will try my bestest to make sense.)
Krissi was talking about an article about Bethany Christian Services in Modesto, CA, specifically about a first mom’s unhappiness with this part of the article:
“One of the things that needs to be said is it’s very rare (for a birth mom to change her mind about adoption). But for those who go through it, it’s one of the most painful experiences they’ve every had. It’s like a death in the family when that happens. It takes a toll on us as staff members, too.
“But assuming that the birth mother is making a choice that she can raise the child with the support of the family or a boyfriend, that’s still positive.”
The original post that called my (and I believe, Krissi’s) attention is not available for public consumption so I’ll try to fill y’all in. A first mom was bothered by the emphasis on adoptive parent loss and the complete neglect of first parent loss. Krissi responded with:
I don’t understand why adoptive parents aren’t allowed to have the same feelings about an adopted child who is removed and returned, as the birth mother/family has in surrendering a child?
I wanted to talk about that, as an adoptive parent, and about some of my other issues with the article.
Now I’m not crazy about Bethany and wasn’t crazy about them before I really started thinking on ethics. I need to say that upfront. Their worldview is not mine, obviously, since I’m a feminist Jew and they’re coming from a place of conservative Christianity. Their beliefs — as they appear to practice them in the agency — run right up against my own from their emphasis on adoption over other choices to their bias against unmarried parenting.
But in this article I had two big concerns: One, that they believe that their push towards adoption is appropriate in their counseling:
“One thing that is true is that while we promote adoption, we’re helping her make an informed choice. We’re not about persuading them one way or the other. We provide counseling for (a woman) regardless of her decision.”
Looking at their web site, I see a lot of promotion of adoption but very little of that information one would need to make an informed choice. Which leads me to my next concern, the “death in the family” for wannabe adoptive parents when the mom decides she’ll parent after all.
If you look on their site, you can see a whole page devoted to “disrupted adoption“. (They’re using the term wrong because there is no adoption when this happens — it’s an adoption plan turned into a parenting plan.) There’s a whole lot of sympathy there for adoptive parents just like there is in the article. This although they say, “it’s very rare.” By their own admission, adoptive parents rarely have to face this pain (if they’re using Bethany because I learned early on in my adoption journey that when an agency says “it’s rare” it can be code for “we are coercive” but there, that’s my bias showing again).
What we do know, because research tells us this, is that first parents definitely feel grief. Best practices (as set out here by the Donaldson institute) can help but there’s no way around it: “grief … invariably accompanies such a profound loss.”
Thing is, in the popular understanding of adoption most of what we hear about is the loss of the potential adoptive parents when an expectant mother changes her mind. I’m not downplaying this. I’m not arguing that it doesn’t hurt when an adoption plan doesn’t happen. But it’s almost a legendary part of our understanding of domestic infant adoption. And — at least over at Bethany — it happens rarely.
First parent grief? It happens every time an adoption happens. Every. Time. It “invariably accompanies such a profound loss.” It’s documented. We’ve got smart folks crunching numbers to back it up. Only we rarely hear about it. (Ironic that — we hear a whole lot about a rare thing and rarely hear about a thing that happens a whole lot.)
We hear about first parent grief when we talk about reunion. We hear about it as if it happened only way back when in the baby scoop era. We hear about it when we want to talk heroics (in another coercive strategy) but somehow we never hear it in those counseling sessions where we help women make “informed decisions.”
Back to the Bethany site, here’s the “unplanned pregnancy” list of resources. Do you see anything like the “disrupted adoption” page for adoptive parents? Wait, we’ll dig deeper — it’ll be on the “adoption” page, right? Because that’s where they explain the pros and cons, right? I’ll check so you don’t have to click through. Let’s see, I learning that Bethany will take care of legal arrangements. I see they’ll help you with living and medical expenses. I see (with an enthusiastic Yes!) that you can choose your baby’s family. I see that you can visit with your baby in the hospital “as much … as you want” and can arrange a open (or semi-open) adoption. I’m seeing that you can choose an adoption that dictates how much your child knows about you (no mention of how all of that is actually out of your control), that birth father’s have rights and that state laws dictate your (and your child’s) right to search. Nope, nothing about the long-term repercussions in choosing adoption.
This bias is evidenced in the article in The Modesto Bee as well.
I have to run to my meeting but that’s my argument against this article.
And quickly, I wanted to share this post from Seeking God Knows What about her last meeting with a Bethany agency.
Thank you, Dawn.
My response to this comment: “I don’t understand why adoptive parents aren’t allowed to have the same feelings about an adopted child who is removed and returned, as the birth mother/family has in surrendering a child?” is to laugh a bit, honestly. Because THAT’S EXACTLY THE POINT: in that article, the adoptive parents ARE allowed extreme feelings of grief, while the natural moms are allowed NONE.
Why aren’t the adoptive parents allowed the same feelings? Are you kidding me? I’d be jumping for joy if the feelings were considered the same… but they’re NOT. The adoptive parent feelings are considered awful, catastrophic, devastating…. and we’re not even acknowledged as HAVING feelings.
Okay, my comment over at Krississippi got eaten, too. So here is what I said (tried to say) over there:
“Either way, there is a loss of a child, right?”
Yes, of course. But that’s just it: what you just said right there is not acknowledged in the article. What is acknowledged is: when an adoptive family loses a placement, it’s like a death in the family, it’s devastating. When a natural mother places her child, it’s like…. ?????
Like….
Like….
Um, like what? (See? It’s just not there!) Are they going to tell us? Are they going to bother to describe what it’s like for the birth mother to lose her child?
No, they’re not. They don’t. They never once describe what it’s like for the birth mother.
So then the question is: WHY NOT? Why would an article about an adoption agency, and quotes from a staff member there, bother to talk about the devastation of the adoptive parents…. and not once talk about the devastation of a birth mother?
IMO, if you start digging a bit, the answer to that question becomes quite obvious. And it’s a chilling answer.
BTW: Bethany IS the agency I used to relinquish my daughter. It’s not a “resource,” it’s a pressure factory.
I’m so glad to find other adoptive parents who see what is so wrong with all of this!!
Losing a potential placement is NOTHING like losing an actual child… it is losing a hope, a dream, a thought… all non-tangible things. A mother who has placed her child has lost a piece of HER. and it cannot be replaced. Not by her next child, not by anything. But potential adoptive parents can grieve (because yes, there is grief and it is hard) and then MOVE ON TO THE NEXT potential placement.
And really, if potential adoptive parents are so concerned or scared of this happening to them in the first place, they shouldn’t put themselves in these situations! Only accept referals from children who are legally freed. Children who’s parents have already gone through the wait time and signed the TPR papers. Stop pre-birth matches and then you won’t have “failed” placements!
[...] opinions count, and are welcomed here, even though “My response to a response” by the author of This Woman’s Work didn’t get posted on my post “My own [...]
Nicole -
I am so very sorry that my blog ate your comments. Frustrating!! I think I’ve fixed the problem now, and I would really appreciate if you feel comfortable to copy/paste your comments here (or whatever you were going to say on my blog) to Krississippi.com. You have very valid points and your POV is completely understandable.
You can feel safe posting on my blog, but if you decide you’d rather not, I’ll come here and reply.
Krissi
Dawn -
All - sorry about the comment-eating. I removed the plugin that caused the problem. So please, feel free to post your comment there (even just copy/paste) so it can also be read.
Your post was well-written and had great points (both about birth and adoptive parents). I appreciate reading your POV and seeing how you feel about this particular subject. In particular:
“First parent grief? It happens every time an adoption happens. Every. Time.”
I don’t dispute this in any way, shape or form. I don’t doubt there is grief that I can’t begin to understand having not gone through it myself. I can’t assume how one would feel if I hadn’t experienced it.
But, based on that thought, how can anyone else who hasn’t been in MY SHOES assume to know how I WOULD FEEL?
I don’t assume on their behalf and I’d rather they not assume on mine. I guess that was one of my main points in my post. I can’t dismiss your grief any more than you can dismiss mine.
“Thing is, in the popular understanding of adoption most of what we hear about is the loss of the potential adoptive parents when an expectant mother changes her mind.”
I think the traditional understanding of this is what you’ve said. But I feel strongly that the trend (especially on the internet and with so much political correctness expected about every. single. topic.) is in the opposite. I read far more about birth parent loss than I do about adoptive parent loss. There are far more birth parent loss websites than there are adoptive parent loss sites.
Adoptive parent loss is becoming taboo to even mention. Admitting one is an adoptive parent (ESPECIALLY on the net) is to say something shameful. To say “I adopted and something happened and now I grieve” is shunned. Tell me it’s not. I’ve been called a baby stealer, a raper of another culture, not a “real mother”, and a whole lot of other nasty things. But should I call my son’s mother or any other birth mother someone who can’t parent because of “x” reason, I AM THE ONE FLAMED.
This by no means goes to say that there isn’t a complete IMBALANCE of ‘celebration’ over adoption for the adoptive family’s benefit including all the hearts and rainbows adoption is supposed to be about. We do see far less ‘celebration’ of adoption from the birth parent side, or we see a different kind of celebration - like celebrating the benefits of open adoption, celebrating overcoming struggles, celebrating the love for the child, and so on. So, in that regard, ‘celebrating’ as a birth parent is also (and probably has always has been) taboo. And ‘celebrating’ as a birth parent might feel in some ways, the way I increasingly feel ‘celebrating’ the fact that my son is my son by adoption, does:
Suddenly a birth parent is supposed to be forgotten, deny or dismiss their child, find no happiness in adoption at all. Suddenly I’m supposed to boycott adoption month, shush my adoption blog, and pay homage to his mother (because I am not his mother, remember?) We’re BOTH supposed to be ashamed.
“Nope, nothing about the long-term repercussions in choosing adoption.”
Hey, no one told me about the long-term repercussions about adopting. No one told me how I would struggle to answer my son’s questions, long for the ability to know his mother, deal with the guilt I always hold, understand how to help my son with his own journey, and be allowed to call myself a “mother” without remembering EVERY TIME that I wasn’t until someone else was.
But I did have the ability to do my own research about adoption, talk to adopted people and adoptive parents alike, read books, and find resources to at least help myself do the best that I could. Why expect a birth parent to do any less?? Adoption, on either side, is a huge decision and commitment and I don’t believe it’s SOLELY up to any agency to do 100% of the educating. I believe it IS the SOLE responsibility of the agency to do as much educating that they can, but you can’t take away, for a second, the personal responsibility aspect. Unless you’re, say 11 and pregnant by incest (as mentioned in the original article), and/or you are a CHILD, then it’s not up to anyone other than YOURSELF to take that responsibility.
This is how I feel.
Krissi,
“Adoptive parent loss is becoming taboo to even mention.”
Perhaps in the online adoption world, but NOT anywhere else. In the rest of the world (mainstream media, non-adoption forums, movies, articles, in-person conversations), there’s almost zero recognition of what we go through.
And THAT is the reaction to this article. Because, yet AGAIN, another mainstream media piece has obliterated us from the picture.
And the reason that’s frustrating isn’t JUST because we’d like to be validated. That’s part of it, but for me, it’s not even close to most of it. Most of it, for me, is that I am ONCE AGAIN seeing the mainstream media and an agency portray adoption in a way that pressures women to go through with relinquishment. When a director says, and a journalist writes, that it’s like a DEATH IN THE FAMILY for an adoptive parent to lose a placement… juxtaposed with NO mention of the effects of relinquishment on a natural mom… that is creating pressure on women to place.
So that’s why I’m horrified.
“But I did have the ability to do my own research about adoption, talk to adopted people and adoptive parents alike, read books, and find resources to at least help myself do the best that I could. Why expect a birth parent to do any less?? Adoption, on either side, is a huge decision and commitment and I don’t believe it’s SOLELY up to any agency to do 100% of the educating. I believe it IS the SOLE responsibility of the agency to do as much educating that they can, but you can’t take away, for a second, the personal responsibility aspect.”
No disagreements here. But. (Yes there’s a “but.”) Can we at least expect agencies to do ACCURATE educating? If they won’t do 100% of the educating, okay, but the information they DO give out…. could that at least be ACCURATE? Is that a lot to ask? Because a whole heck of a lot of them are actually giving inaccurate information.
As for researching…. I WOULD like to point out that potential adoptive parents have years to research, if they so choose. YEARS. We’ve got nine months TOPS (often less, depending on when we discover we’re pregnant). We’ve had this discussion before, on another blog, but let me cut to the bottom line here: I did research. But I counted on the agency to be the primary resource in my research (though not my sole one). Naive? You bet. But there it is. My mistake wasn’t in being lazy, my mistake wasn’t in refusing to take responsibility: my mistake was in being TOO TRUSTING. I was working two jobs, going to class, going to prenatal appointments, going to counseling appointments, going to agency appointments… and, yeah, trying to have a bit of a life, too… while I was pregnant. Exactly how much time was I supposed to spend on independent research, to satisfy the qualification of “taking personal responsibility”? I checked my college library–nothing helpful. Checked my local library–nothing helpful. Checked the bookstore where I worked–nothing helpful. Checked with the agency (which promised help with a parenting plan to me over the phone, before I even set foot inside, and then refused when I asked for the follow-up)–nothing helpful.
EVERY SINGLE resource I found said that adoption was a good thing; that birth mothers who relinquish are doing a loving thing; that we get over the loss.
Which is just a small snippet of why I, at least, am so darn vocal online…. it’s in the hope that NOW, with a decent amount of natural mom blogs up and telling the truth, that maybe NOW women who try to do some independent research WILL find some truthful information.
Was it out there, in 2001, when I relinquished? I’m sure it was. I’m sure I didn’t look hard enough.
But I’m also sure that a whole lot of people I trusted were telling me everything would be fine.
Andy -
“Losing a potential placement is NOTHING like losing an actual child…
You TOTALLY did not read what I wrote. I was mainly referring to PLACED children who are then returned. Is there a reason you don’t want to say this on my blog where I’ve already replied to your original comment? For your reference I said: “As an adoptive parent, I CAN tell you that if my adopted child were removed and returned (regardless of the reason or for how little or long I had been mothering him/her) I would be devastated - I would feel as though there was a “death in the family”.
“Stop pre-birth matches and then you won’t have “failed” placements!”
… except in the cases where children are adopted and then months or years later their biological parents are found. Or how about international adoptions where ill-prepared adoptive parents “return” their children to orphanages in their home countries?? What about foster parents who have fostered a child for as long as the child can remember, who plan to adopt, only to have the child returned to the biological parent who lost their legal right to parent at some previous point?
I’ve always felt very supported and loved when I’ve talked about my losses. I’ve lost biological children, and we had a failed placement, and yes it did feel like I lost my child. I’ve been there. And Nicole reached out to me and said she was sorry. Yes the Nicole who is posting replies on here. I’ve posted about the pain that I as an adoptive parent feel about things, and first moms, and adoptees, and other adoptive moms have always come alongside me. I don’t discuss adoption in my “real” life often, this is my adoption outlet, and i’ve always felt supported.
I have seen adoptive parent loss attacked too. Usually it is accompanied by a LOT of anger and entitlement on the part of the adoptive parents. When an adoptive parent says something like “for nine months she detatched herself and decided to place and at the last minute she takes the baby from us” or perhaps “we DESERVED this baby” Thats not expressing adoptive parent loss, that is expressing a gross lack of understanding on the nature of first parents! I understand being angry after a failed placement, I understand the loss, but I don’t understand those aparents who honestly believe that moms are “detached” from the child they are carrying.
And I always hate to see adoptive parent loss attacked in the first few weeks after a failed placement. No matter what their long term feelings are, they are in a place of deep pain, and it is hard to process anything BUT that pain when you are in the midst of it. But I’ve never really seen adoptive parent pain attacked in the first few weeks after a failed placement. Most people, even if they don’t like what was said, realize that they just experienced something that was profoundly sad in their lives and to give them a rest.
But when people are talking two years after a failed placement about how mom decided to parent “for a meal ticket” that is when I see it start to cause trouble.
Erin -
“When an adoptive parent says something like “for nine months she detatched herself and decided to place and at the last minute she takes the baby from us” or perhaps “we DESERVED this baby” Thats not expressing adoptive parent loss, that is expressing a gross lack of understanding on the nature of first parents! I understand being angry after a failed placement, I understand the loss, but I don’t understand those aparents who honestly believe that moms are “detached” from the child they are carrying.”
Totally, completely 100% agree. My blog post talked about grief after adoptive parent placement/parenting and then loss of the child. Many people now criticizing me (I can take it, I tell ya!) are totally ignoring the fact that I made it very clear that I was referring to PLACED children and not “potentially adoptable” children.
Thank you for your insight
Nicole -
“Can we at least expect agencies to do ACCURATE educating? If they won’t do 100% of the educating, okay, but the information they DO give out…. could that at least be ACCURATE? Is that a lot to ask? Because a whole heck of a lot of them are actually giving inaccurate information.”
Absolutely, but I can’t attest to the accuracy of birth parent education by an agency. But I’ve always thought, based on what I’ve read for years, that in a general sense agencies don’t provide enough information FOR ANYONE. Hence the personal responsibility aspect.
“My mistake wasn’t in being lazy, my mistake wasn’t in refusing to take responsibility: my mistake was in being TOO TRUSTING.”
I don’t know how to respond to this, other than I guess its unfortunate that although you recognize this now, you didn’t then. I was 23 when I adopted and I was a bit (ok a lot) on the naive side myself. I talked about it briefly here http://www.krississippi.com/?p=416
Now there are a lot of things I would change, do differently and some things I would omit entirely. My son will be 8 in July and I struggle every day to know if I’m doing a “good enough job” raising him as an adopted person who is proud of who he is, where he came from, his ENTIRE family and the circumstances under which he was adopted.
And the rest of what you said… too tired to reply to it all, but it’s taken with much thought and appreciation. Thank you.
Nicole, as usual, has spoken well to some of the broader issues, so I will not. I will say that I experienced “birthmother counseling” (yes that’s what they called it though I was just a pregnant mom who was very on the fence about the whole idea of adoption) through this office. The counselor refused to discuss parenting options with me at all, despite my repeatedly asking about them and her knowing full well the lengths I was going to in order to find them (AFDC, Subsidized housing and childcare, etc.) Failed placements were held up before me like cardinal sins that were only committed by the “type of birthmother” they were certain I was not (responsible young thing that I was.) Not letting a hopeful couple down was constantly in the background of my “pregnancy counseling,” a context in which it should have never been mentioned at all. I have to speak a terrible truth here, one I hate even to admit to myself: At the eleventh hour, it was my not wanting to let people down, my not wanting to create the “devastation” I was told a “failed placement” would create … that allowed me to nod my head. I was told it was sacrificial love. Yes, I was trying to elevate my child’s needs above my own … but I was also elevating the needs of other adults above my own, and that has no place in adoption.
[...] at Dawn’s blog there have been some ongoing discussions about what leads women to surrender their children, why first parents blog, and [...]