Comments on: Ahh, juicy adoption discussion!

By: Victim to survivor « Paragraphein

Victim to survivor « Paragraphein — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 18:53:23 +0000

[...] at Dawn’s blog there have been some ongoing discussions about what leads women to surrender their children, why first parents blog, and what [...]

By: ibex67

ibex67 — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 14:54:21 +0000

I am an adoptive mom in an open adoption and although I am very familiar with these issues and know Dawn fairly close in a cyber way and she knows quite a bit about my situation, I generally stay away from even reading these discussions. Too hard for too many reasons. And my own personal experience with adoption creates a different kind of cognitive dissonance for me because my experience often challenges my very liberal, progressive values and assumptions about the world and people. Maude, I know I am not giving enough info to make sense. I am just trying to say that intellectually and in terms of my values, I completely agree with Dawn and the hard thing for me is that I have a very open adoption in which it became clear to me over the years that my daughter’s first mom *doesn’t* actually take responsibility for the havoc and pain she created and continues to create in all her children’s lives [she has 5 -- none living with her now.] So, although I know she grieves the adoption deeply, seeing first hand how painful and damaging her actions have been to her children, well… let’s just say my empathy tank for her has finally run dry. After 4 years of knowing her.

HOWEVER, I do NOT generalize from my experience at all. And I refrain from sharing our story for the most point — in cyberland or in person, because, in part, I don’t want others to generalize from our experiences.

Mostly what I wanted to say here is that the following quote from Mirah, above, is probably the most straightforward and absolutely true thing I have ever heard about adoption and I agree 100%:

“Adoption is - or should be - about finding homes for chidlren who are in need, not finding chidlren for childless couples or singles. ”

Thank you for this Mira.

By: Lilian

Lilian — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:12:55 +0000

Oh boy, this got out of hand, didn’t it? I barely have time to read your whole post, let alone all these comments. Wow. I’m glad commenter comment count is back

By: Coco

Coco — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 02:37:00 +0000

Oh. The “Personal Responsibility” card, again.

Sigh.

You know what? I have a lot to say about this, and a post lurking in my drafts about this precise thing.

But just for anyone interested, for now, until I can stop being angry and actually articulate the rest of my post? Check out my blog. I am a first mother. I have regret. NOWHERE in my blog are you going to find a post where I deny my own responsibility for what happened in and leading up to placement of my daughter. If you do, please feel free to point it out to me. I’m happy to discuss it.

By: Suz

Suz — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 20:26:02 +0000

Dawn - I am curious, what do you feel is behind that kind of attitude? Ignorance? Anger? Denial? Bliss?

I often wonder what is gained by those adoptive parents (besides the obvious - our children) who like to blame the victims in adoption (or refuse to believe there are victims).

As an adoptive parent (and progressive one who sees all sides) I would love your commentary on what motivates The Andrea type of comments. Are they feeling guilty over their adoption? Hiding an unethical adoption? Have not yet come to terms with their infertile status? Is it cognitive dissonance?

As someone who WAS indeed very much capable and desirous of of parenting her child, yet sent away and threatened with lawsuits so that my baby could be obtained and later sold to the highest bidder, I always find myself wondering why is that fact so hard for some adoptive parents to truly grasp? It has to be a fear based response, no?

Would love it if you could comment. It baffles me.