I could use your help
I’ve been invited by an adoption agency to write a brochure on the importance of openness that they can give to expectant mothers. I’m going to meet with the expectant mother counselors to hear more of their thoughts about why the women they’re working with are refusing to consider openness (I spoke with another agency rep today) but the gist of what I heard is that the women who are contacting the agency are doing it somewhat later in their pregnancies than in times past; that they have read a great deal on the internet and are resistant to counseling (feeling they are already well-informed of their options); and they feel openness would be too painful so refuse to consider it.
This agency strongly supports openness and is working to put more in place to give adoptees options. (For example, they try to have every birth mom send a copy of the child’s original birth certificate to the agency so the child will have access without going to the state and they are working on building a reunion registry because they’ve been in business for some time.) The person I spoke with feels that they’re doing a good job helping adoptive parents understand the importance of openness but need more help working with expectant parents.
So. My friends who live in my computer, what would you want to see in a brochure for expectant mothers who are resistant to hearing about openness? I’ll share more info when I have it but wanted to start getting your heads working on it. I know some of you are like, “What?!? Help an agency market to expectant mothers???” But this is different — they’re talking about women who contact them and who are saying no, I don’t want pictures, I don’t want visits and (sometimes) I don’t even want you to give that family my first name. The agency isn’t using openness as a bait and switch; it’s the women come to the agency saying, “I know all about open adoption because I read about it online and I have no interest in it.”
The representative I spoke with today feels it is ethically imperative to do everything they can to reach these women or else they (the women) will not be making a fully informed decision to place.
One last thing — I’ve been thinking about this lately as I talk to more adoption professionals. I know that the industry has a reputation for being greedy and manipulative (and you can’t deny the greed and manipulation of some of those places) but I keep meeting individuals who really really really care about the mothers and children they serve. And a lot of them get pretty burned out but feel like if they leave there won’t be enough advocates so they hang in there hoping to make a difference. There’s the industry but then there are the people who do the real work and a lot of them are way more reform-minded than you might think. After all, they’re living it.
Okay, first, I don’t really know anything about this topic, but that is apparently not going to stop me from leaving a comment.
There seems something a bit odd about telling a woman who supposedly has read many things on a topic to read just one more thing. Unless what she has read has been very anti-openness, what will you say that she hasn’t already read?
My uneducated thought is that if anything would cause them to re-think it, it would be experience.
I know that is not helpful, given that your job is to write something.
I thought about this too, Yondalla, and my understanding is that the agency doesn’t feel like they can sign off on a woman who says she’s done her research without at least giving her the opportunity to do a little more. And I believe they also feel it’s important to put their official agency stamp on the pro-openess side of it. They feel it carries a different weight when it’s information coming from the agency.
She’s also not sure where they’re getting their information online. She also says that usually the agency reps have more time to work with expectant moms and recently many of the women who come to them are further along in their pregnancies and there’s less time to build a relationship and get to the heart of why the woman is placing.
This particular representative (and I didn’t put this in the main part because I feel cautious about sharing too much unofficially) also said that their placement numbers are going up and she doesn’t see this as a positive sign but rather as a sign that they need to work harder at counseling expectant moms. She relates this increase in placement to the later contact and less time to build that relationship. They’re looking to use multiple ways to work with the women and they’re thinking a brochure may reiterate what they share in meetings.
I question the following:
a) What has she read and has she REALLY? is she just saying that to get what she thinks she wants? i think reiteration of key facts - regardless of what she says she has read - is critical. dont offend her but validate she did indeed read. expectant mothers in a crisis pregancy are frightened, anxious, worried, embarassed, ashamed, and more. they will often say what people want to hear (I know, I did it).
b) it seems the agency and the expectant mothers are thinking of what the mother wants. has anyone thought about what the child wants? is this mother being told of the benefits (or not) of open adoption on the child? if adoption is to be in the best interest of the child, the mother should be told of the benefits to her child for open - not the downfalls for herself. Has she been told of the damages of closed adoption versus the damages of open? I am going to guess (and adoptees are the best to speak here, not me) that while adoption is never ideal, if it has to happen, it should be open.
Guh. I dont know. Struggling not to project my own crap into this comment. I was told nothing but good things about adoption (and closed adoption at that). I like to believe that if someone told me about primal wound, fractured identities, adoptees as serial killers, life long abandonment and feelings of rejection adoptees feel, and more, I would have thought twice. But in my situation, I was bad for my child and adoption was good. It seemed a no brainer. Appeal to a womans maternal instinct, illustrate how she may be helping and hurting her child, and give her real viable options to keep and support her child - then let her make a decision.
Thanks Suz! And I’ll add that this agency rep told me that she reads and appreciates your blog.
Well, as an adoptive mom I believe I need the queen to help me be a complete mother to our daughter. Yes, I am her mom in the day to day stuff, but I need the bee to be able to see the nature part of her self. She needs to know that she was always loved, always cared for, and need to be able to ask the tough “why” questions to the queen someday. I don’t think that being a nurture mom is enough to insure a positive self image and positive emotional growth.
Hmmm I think I’ve got more to say on this subject.
Erin, she reads your blog, too. And Jenna’s and KimKim’s and Claud’s! Blogging is pretty much how I got this gig!
My ex-husband is the child of a closed adoption. He has ZERO desire to know anything about his bio parents. The little I know, I know because my then mother-in-law gave me the original adoption papers on which she wrote down the bio parents names, and what she told me about their history.
But you know what? I wish it had been open, because even if nobody had any desire for contact (which I’m sure all the parties involved had zero desire for contact), I would want to know for my daughters.
My older daughter is profoundly learning disabled and suffers from a degenerative eye disorder that is inherited. Her father also has it. Most people with it go blind in their late 50s, when they hit macular degeneration. Because the adoption was closed, my ex (and my daughter) both had no idea that he has a particularly severe form of the disease and is blind at age 35. I want to know, for my child’s sake, what else is looming on the horizon? What else is she at risk for? If I knew how to contact these folks, maybe I could have spared her some of the more invasive medical tests she has gone through in the last three years while we tried to figure out just what was “wrong” with her. The testing could have been more specific.
I also think my children will want to know where did their blond hair come from? Why do I have a dimple here? Does everyone have dyslexia? Who do I really look like?
I think the idea may need to be pitched as more of “Don’t close the door all the way. Leave some room for someone to come through if they need to.” I think on both sides of the triad it’s important for their to be the concept that it’s not necessarily all or nothing.
I think it’s also very important that the bio moms are not patronized about openness - it’s insulting to be told, “Well even though you say you’re informed, we think you’re not, so you have to read this.”
Aidelmaidel, this is HUGELY helpful!!! I also love the “don’t close the door all way” analogy. It’s a great point and I think it’s easy to forget extended family (I know that I sometimes get blinders that way). Thank you!
I was actually talking about this with a counselor at our agency the other month, because this is something I think they do really well. She said it’s often about reframing openness–the whole child-centered approach vs. openness as one possible choice for e-parents. Emphasizing the unique bond the e-parents have, the importance to the child’s self-identity of having the unconditional acceptance of both sets of parents. Talking about open adoption in terms of the benefits to their child (beyond mere access to information) often helps them see it in a different light. Then maybe they at least leave the door open, as Aidelmaidel said, even if they don’t embrace fully openness from the get-go.
I just want to second that information about the benefits to the child are really important. I wasn’t convinced about open adoption until I read The Spirit of Open Adoption. Once I believed that it was what was best for my daughter, I was willing to do it. No other reason was good enough.
Another note….have they considered ordering Brenda Romanchik’s pocket books to give out? Those also convinced me and the work has already been done. Plus, it was stronger coming from someone who’d been there.
Yup, one more from me.
Um, I just realized that I suggested they get rid of the job they gave you. Please go back to the benefits to the child. How about a brochure about why it’s good for the kid along with a pocket book?
Heather, can you send me the name of your agency (I know you have but I forget!) so I can contact them and see what they share? Maybe they can send me their expectant parent package to look at.
Poor_Statue, I think I can live with being made redundant! I’ll mention this to them (I think she might be reading the comments, too)!
Perhaps if you couch it as a choice - that there are all sorts of options and ways to do an adoption, and openness is one of those options -? Some women are simply not going to want it, and some need to be able to think about it and come to it later.
Mallory’s biggest hurdle at being at peace with her adoption is not knowing her first father. She (at least for the time being) has resolved and is at peace with the most of the stuff about Noelle because she can talk to her and put a face to this person, and she is assured of her love and her reasons for the adoption. Her first father eats at her and feels like rejection sometimes. Her exact words “He created me, he can’t even take the time to talk to me about why he placed me?”
I think the adoptee perspective is key.
Oh and at the last panel we went to she was asked if she was ever confused because of open adoption- and she said “only by the person who won’t be open with me.”
Any chance you’ll let us know which agency it is? Even if it’s offline. One of the biggest reasons we’re not further along in our adoption plans is I’m really concerned about finding as ethical a situation/agency/facilitator as I can. I wouldn’t want a situation where there wasn’t openness. Unlike a lot of folks, that’s one reason why most international programs aren’t remotely an option for me.
Dawn,
I think it would be really effective to include an anecdote about openness in your own family.
PS
I can’t speak for first mothers, but just wanted to mention that I had a conversation with the director of one of the large agencies in DC awhile back who said that their agency is facing the very same challenge. Will this brochure be copyrighted by this agency or can you share it with others?
Hi Dawn,
I also think writing a brochure framed about the benefits for kids is a great idea. I also think an anecdote about a family who has had open adoption (& one that has worked from the beginning and has had a positive track record for more than just a few years) would be important. I would like the birth mothers to understand that they are critical to children throughout their children’s lives–for all kinds of reasons–medical history, connection, love….
I think that one of the big issues with openness is the nebulousness of the concept. Many potential adoptive parents are freaked out by the concept because to them it means that the firstparents will be a day-to-day part of the child’s lives and the child will be confused about who his/her parents are. Yet when you explain that openness takes many forms and is not a once size fits all equations, they become more comfortable.
In the case of the expectant mothers, again, they need to know that there is a continuum of what openness means.
I would also be wary about giving an example from your own life, Dawn, as your situation is much different from the average open adoption. For people not sold on open adoption, your degree of openness might be way to daunting for them to hear about.
Liana, I’d be wary of using any examples. I think one problem with public perceptions of openness is that one-size fits all. I don’t think there IS an average open adoption and people need to build relationships that work for THEIR families (first families included) and that give their children options.
Openness is best for the baby. Someone probably already said that, but anyway…
[...] been thinking about the open adoption brochure and thinking about informed consent in adoption. And I’m also thinking about the conclusion [...]
The first question to ask them is if we could arrange help for you would you still surrender your baby? Help in the form of counseling daycare job training etc. Have any of you ever considered a pregnant or post pregnant woman might have difficulty making important decisions? Her young body and mind is flooded with hormones, she is weak and vulnerable and her executive functions are impaired by the unusally high hormone levels caused by childbirth. Shouldnt she have an advocate supplied free of charge to represent her interests. If a woman isnt comfortable with openess she may be saying she isnt comfortable with the entire process and cant deal with it. I can guarantee you that the mother doesnt fully understand the action she is being urged to take. The brochure should be written by a party that has no conflict of interest in this process. Its in the childs best interest not to have the bond severed forever. Do whats in the best interest of the child. Adoption should be the last solution after all other options have been ruled out.
[...] January 2001 but that’s at my personal, not at all professional blog. My personal blog, this woman’s work, has been featured in Time Magazine, the Washington Times (where they called me a “parenting [...]