I’m afraid of money
Dec 3, 2007 The Story of My Life
More like I’m afraid of making money. I should be psychoanalyzed. Wait — why pay someone else to analyze me when I can do it right here on the blog???
I’ve always been a little money-phobic, a little prone to hoarding. I can remember in particular going to the toy store with a gaggle of kids (cousins? I have no idea) so we could each spend our savings and I spent hours — HOURS — until the children threatened to string me up (and my mother offered to help) even though I had more money than any of the other kids and was only planning on buying something small. I finally bought a gigglestick because it was cheap and I hoped it would be amusing. Then I went home and cried. And cried. And then just when my mother thought I could cry no more, I found the strength to cry for another couple of hours.
I felt terrified that there would be never be any money ever again and that my $24 would be all the money I would could ever expect to have and here I’d spent $1.99 of it in an absolutely (I felt) devil may care attitude of irresponsibility.
I haven’t changed all that much as an adult, which is why Brett handles the money. (I think my fear of money was ground in when my parents divorced and we began to economize pretty severely, convincing me that money does randomly disappear so one should never, ever, ever assume there’s more where that came from.)
I can (and have) spent way too much time trying to decide if it’s worth it to drive to the discount grocery store because cereal is on sale or stay at the one nearby where it’s more expensive but they have day-old bread and then when you factor in gas — oh forget it, the kids can eat oatmeal at $.21 a serving. (And then what I’d do is go into the kitchen and make homemade instant oatmeal to make things easier on Brett heading to work in the morning.)
Frugality is grand and all — I will never be a spendthrift — but the anxiety that drives it for me is not so healthy.
I’m trying to change my mindset because when I’m not so anxious and fearful about money it’s a lot easier to make it. When I’m not getting out the calculator to prove to Brett that buying apples in the bag (bruised as they may be) is far cheaper than buying them loose I have more time and energy to, I don’t know, work.
This has meant a lot of painful letting go. Brett is doing the grocery shopping now and it’s been both terrifying and freeing to watch him buy what I find to be the epitome of wanton luxury — canned beans. (I’d make a big batch in the crockpot and then freeze them in convenient servings. And pre-made pizza crust! He buys them, the hedonist!) And this furniture we bought — $395 for a couch, a chair, a kitchen table and six chairs is minuscule but still! I sit and admire them and try to dampen down my terror.
But it surprises me still how scared I am of making enough (nay, more than enough — she types with brave optimism) and counting on that. Oprah would have a field day with me. And in fact, my Law of Attraction minded mother-in-law throws up her arms in despair about it.
I’m trying really hard to shuck this off because I know it gets in the way. I know that sometimes I don’t take a step forward because I’m afraid of making money because (and this is the nutty part) I’m afraid that if I have enough money that bad things will happen. And even though this hasn’t proven to be true during my brief stint of having money (like when I was at ePregnancy), I lived in guilt and fear as my savings climbed. And when ePregnancy ended? I hate to say it but I felt almost relieved because penny-pinching felt so much more familiar.
I really need to get over it because I’m planning on being quite financially comfortable, darn it.
I don’t know if it helps you to know that you’re not alone, but you’re not! I’m very neurotic about money. For 14 years, I made an excellent salary and for many of those years, I was single. So, I did spend it rather freely (by my standards), but could never really enjoy my purchases — even when I had no debt and substantial savings in the bank, every pricey pair of boots or night out of dinner/drinks felt like a crazy indulgence and I had buyer’s remorse. To me, that kind of guilt is worse than if I had deprived myself and saved it all, or in wantonly spent it all, but at least enjoyed and savoured it.
Now, circumstances have changed and I have quit my job. Even with this major change, our family income is still well above average. But I live in fear that it will all disappear, even though that worry isn’t based on any realistic, concrete concern. Sometimes, when I feel life is short and we ought to enjoy our good fortune (within reason), I go on spending jags. I alternate between feeling lavish and ignoring the price tags (and then feeling the guilt) or doing without/scrimping (and feeling guilty about that).
I have totally the opposite problem- it’s only money- easy come- easy go.
I can totally relate…though of course I, in theory, want to be financially comfortable, I actually get nervous when a big check comes and start trying to think of responsible ways to spend it so it’s not just sitting there in my account waiting for me to waste it or lose it. I too feel more comfortable somehow with a very limited income. I have more control over it, strange as that may seem.
What’s working for me is to have every “extra” dollar that’s not budgeted for day to day living automatically withdrawn from my account and placed into a long-term savings account that’s not associated with my regular bank. Then I don’t have to “worry” about it being in my checking account.
I’ve never had problems with savings — and Brett is GREAT at savings so when he first got laid off and I wasn’t making enough it was ok because we just drew from that. My problem is more that I can’t spend money and when I do it makes me feel a little ill. Especially if it’s on myself. The holidays bring it out because there are so many ways to spend money and it scares me to see it leave my bank account. It doesn’t matter if we can afford it or not — it still terrifies me.
I’m terrified of money…. And I just set up my first Etsy shop, and am busily making things to start filling it… What if this WORKS? What if people actually buy my stuff?? What if what I love to do could someday actually be What I Do?
Eep.
I waited until the end of the day to read this, so I could savor it, think about it since the timing of this post couldn’t be more in sync with my thoughts and reflections lately.
I hear you, my friend. I have problems with money too and since I read my friend Aliki’s (you should read her blog, she’s such a good writer!) post on “Thriftiness” last week I’ve been composing a post about the subject in my head. Then I saw yours and couldn’t believe we’d been thinking about the subject.
Well, I hope you can overcome your fear as much as possible. Mine is not really a fear, but it may as well become one. I think it’s just such a cruel joke that just when we were starting to breathe easy and think that finally we’d be able to stop worrying about money so much K would loose his job. It makes me think that our “destiny” is to be poor forever
. OK, I hope I find the “strength” to blog about it soon. I sure need the therapy aspect of it, but I’ve been putting off writing about my various issues because I’m really scared of opening them up like assorted Pandora boxes. Oh well… I’ll have to cite this comment when I finally get to it. 
I go back and forth between your fear of spending it (spending it on myself is even worse too) or like Lisa V., thinking “it’s only money.” Thank goodness hubby has a good relationship w/ money otherwise we’d alternate between living under a bridge or living the high life depending on my bipolar approach to money!LOL I’ve been working on it in the past few years though so it can be done (even w/out spending on therapy because you know…that too would create money anxiety for me!)
Oh…I forgot…yes, go ahead and explore and deal w/ all this now so that you attract only positive things to you in your writing endeavors.
I’m with your MIL on this. This was painful for me to read since I see that you’re just confirming over and over that you’ll never have enough money. Please don’t do that to yourself!! No one should have to be that sad or that anxious over money.
I know you don’t know me, I’m just some chick that reads your blog and leaves a comment or two, and I’m not trying to offend you, honest, but please for your own sake, don’t OWN that fear of money and lack. Instead say that “it seems like I’m afraid of money” or “it may look as if I’m afraid of money” but please don’t own it by saying I AM. At least not if you wish to get over this challenge or block in your life. You dont’ have to continue with that mindset and that unhappiness if you don’t want.
Wow. Good Luck with this…but isn’t admitting it the first step to healing? But, do you want to change this, would be the next question…
I’m afraid of it too, but in a very different way. I don’t even think I can blog about it, so you might be getting an email….