More on preschool dropouts
Let me tell you, Madison is a much lighter, happier girl since we told her no more preschool. We had no idea how dampened down she must have been feeling; she must have been even more worried about it than she said.
Suz wrote in the comments, “And glad you saw (of course you would) the possible adoption trauma/separation anxiety issue. As I read your post thats all that stuck in my mind and then you acknowledge it.”
When Brett and I were talking about what we wanted to do about preschool I said that even though the adoption trainingĂ‚Â prepared us for this, I was still surprised by how starkly obvious it was. I mean, I’d expect any kid to have some wobbling over the disruptions in teachers there but Madison’s reaction — even before they were playing musical teachers — was so out-sized to who she is. And Brett said, “I know, I know. I don’t like to admit it though because it makes me so sad.”
We’ve been talking more about adoption and transracial adoption of late because of the conference. Most of the time adoption is a very matter of fact thing for our family (despite the impression the blog would give you) but these issues are coming up more. Also because Brett’s home, he’s having more opportunity to negotiate the relationship between Jessica and Madison — like picking Jessica up or taking the phone calls, etc. He’s always pretty much relied on me to handle the emotional life of the family but now he’s home and a lot of it is falling to him; he’s learning a lot.
Brett is a great dad who is absolutely committed to the people he loves. But his favorite coping mechanism is denial — put on a happy face, make a joke, pretend your mother is calling and wander off — and when he wasn’t around as much, he could cling to that and trust that I was managing the things he was purposefully missing. But he can’t do that now and it’s been hard — but good — for him.
Anyway, he didn’t want to be thinking about any adoption pain for Madison or Jessica not because he doesn’t believe it but because it hurt to think about. He went to the adoption conference and cried during (and after) watching Outside Looking In and he cried when we talked about Madison’s preschool. He’s opening up to talking about it more, which is a really good thing.
I’m proud of him. It’s easier to pretend it’s just fine or pretend that one person can handle it all. I’m proud that he’s shucking off his mantle of denial and doing his best to figure out the next best step. You know, this was a guy who originally wanted an international adoption so there would be no chance of birth parent contact. This is a guy who was scared to “match” with a woman living in Columbus. And now he’s someone who has totally embraced openness because he believes it’s best for his daughter, for her mother and for our family. I love this guy!
P.S. I future friend-in-real-life just started podcasting over at The Parenthood Canon — check it out!
I love Brett. He sounds like a great partner and a great dad.
This post made me cry. For Madison and for Brett. Men have such a hard hard time with emotions, with reality, denial is quite common. My new “friend” (you know, the one you are crushing on with me), the aDad and I have had some really good conversations lately. Even after parenting adoptees for 20 years, he is still learning and opening up and its hard. But hes doing it and thats what counts. Just like Brett. Give him a hug for me.
Do you know where I can find Outside Looking In to see it myself?
It seems fairly common to me, that the wife/mother handles a lot of the adoption dynamic for the family. It’s great to see that becoming more balanced for you guys.
I believe it’s about to come out on DVD but I’m not sure when. It’s going to have updates though. I signed up to be on the email notification list when it comes out and I promise I’ll share the info here when it does.
It was interesting because he made the film some time ago and said it sent him into two years of therapy after — all that it brought up. But he says he looks on it all differently now and feels more forgiving of his parents. He seems like a really lovely, wise, compassionate person. (And he “booped” Madison in the belly and afterwards I was all starstruck about it!)