My girly
Oct 9, 2007 Adoption
Madison was happy that it’s going to be cool enough for her favorite outfit — a flippy purple skirt and a matching striped top with long sleeves. She’s about to outgrow it but loves it dearly. She practically skipped into preschool this morning, carrying a card she made for one of her teachers who just lost her dad.
Last night I was showing Brett facebook and myspace (because he’s fascinated by this stuff but has no interest in creating anything like for himself — smart boy that he is) and I showed him Jessica’s and Madison said, “Mommy!” then got shy and embarrassed. And she did what she did before, which is to rapidly try to cover and pretend like she was talking about me.
So this morning on the way to school as I was strapping her into the carseat I brought it up. (I find that bringing big topics up on neutral territory makes it easier for kids to talk.) And I repeated that it’s ok to call Jessica mommy because Jessica is also her mommy and that what she calls Jessica is between her and Jessica and that I’m not bothered by this because it’s between the two of them. (I’ll add that Jessica is not too hip about being called mommy and we’ve talked about how she can handle this in a positive way that honors Madison’s need to try this on while still setting down the boundaries that work for the two of them.) I said, “You have two mommies and one you call mommy and the other you call Jessica [well, insert the name we actually call Jessica].” Then the conversation went like this:
Madison: You’re my mommy?
Me: Yes, I’m your mommy because you live with me and I take care of you.
Madison: And Jessica is a mommy, too?
Me: Yes, because you grew in her uterus where she took care of you until you came out and came to live with us.
Madison: And I come back home.
Me: That’s right. You go and visit Jessica and then you come home.
Madison: And Jessica brings me home, right?
Me: Yes, because Jessica knows you live here and that I’m your mommy who takes care of you at home. Remember Jessica picked me to be your mommy so she would never forget that.
Madison: Because I live here.
Me: Right. You live with us and you’ll live here until you’re a big grown woman and then if you want, you can move out.
Madison: And I’ll buy a car so I can come over and visit you.
Me: And we can make muffins.
Madison: OK!
Later on during our drive we talked again about how we met Jessica and how she said (obviously edited for preschooler understanding): I am having a baby girl and she is in my uterus and her name is Madison. I love her very much but I can’t take care of her right now so I would like you to be her mommy and daddy. I feel sad about missing her because I love her very very much but when I think about her having a good time at your house, I feel happy about that.”
The reason I break down this way complicated story with way complicated emotions to this is because I want to send Madison these messages:
–Jessica loves her.
–Jessica took care of her.
–Our adoption has Jessica’s blessing.
–Jessica WANTS Madison to be happy with us.
–She was always Madison (she was always her Self), pre and post adoption.
What I’m hearing from her is that she’s worried that we — the grown-ups — will get mixed up and send her to live with Jessica or Jessica will forget to bring her home. And this probably has to do with a lot of things, like preschool (she says, “And you won’t leave until I get into preschool, right?” meaning that I won’t just drop her off in the hall without any grown-ups to watch her) and having a special day with Jessica for the very first time.
I don’t think this is unique to adoption since Noah at about this same age wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t forget him at Grandma’s or at preschool. The part that’s particular is how she wants reassurance that she can think about Jessica as a mommy without worrying that it’ll rock her world and actually make it so her Thomas the Tank Engine pillow and favorite pink shoes suddenly end up at Jessica’s house and she’ll find herself living somewhere else. I think she wants to hear that her life is sturdy and permanent and can withstand her struggle to understand things.
October 9th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Well, I just got all weepy. I love how she’s going to buy a car and come visit you.
That’ good stuff!
October 9th, 2007 at 11:31 am
You handle a delicate situation beautifully. And giving her your blessing to have a natural response to Jessica. Madison can take credit for that too. You’re a wonderful mother Dawn.
October 9th, 2007 at 11:44 am
This is so very, very moving. Ditto what kimkim wrote.
October 9th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
We are doing these types of conversations, too, mostly with our elder guy, though little guy chimes in, too, and I think it benefits him to listen. I’m so glad we have enough common language now to help us all understand the complexities of our adoption, and glad to read posts like this one that help us along that path.
thanks!
October 9th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
i love how you validate her feelings and insert enough information to make her feel comfortable with what she is dealing with.
and - my daughter has started wearing long sleeves too even though it isn’t cold enough here yet. i’m sure it is because she just wants to wear some of her new things, though she insists she is cold.
October 9th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
The continuity of self (your last point) is something I haven’t thought of including when I talk about Puppy’s adoption story. That’s excellent.
October 9th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
As always you seem to be a natural at navigating through Madison’s feelings. When our son is old enough to express himself, I will refer back to the many valuable entries in your blog. Thank you Dawn.
October 10th, 2007 at 8:22 am
[...] a quick addendum to yesterday’s post for David who was commenting on the girliness of Miz Madison. Not only did she say she was going to [...]
October 11th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Wow, I just, whoo, I think I really needed to read that today. Thank you for sharing this story.
November 21st, 2007 at 10:25 am
[...] snack when she visited). But she’s nervous that we’ll leave her there — shades of this discussion. I think she just needs repeated reassurance as she steps out and builds her own relationship with [...]
July 29th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
[...] I said in the comments there, Madison has never said that but she has expressed some of that same fear. From that blog entry: The part that’s particular is how she wants reassurance that she can think [...]