Madison cries at preschool
I guess I didn’t expect it because Noah — my clingy, shy, introverted child — never cried at preschool. But she does or at least she has the last two times. She’s skipping on her way in, chattering all the way but as soon as we actually get inside she tenses up and then begins to sob. I’m about absolutely convinced that this is adoption-related. Honestly — I don’t think she’d do this if she didn’t have a history of adoption. But then … so what? I mean, would I handle a crying child differently if that child wasn’t adopted? No, I’d handle it the same way.
This goes back to my philosophy that adoption is an added challenge but that our children are resilient, especially when we take their challenges seriously.
I do think Madison is ready for this particular challenge. I’ve known (and taught) other kids who weren’t ready to leave their parents and I think that’s a real thing and should be taken seriously and not just shrugged off as “typical for the age.” I mean, I don’t think every single parent should leave their crying 3-year old at preschool but I do think some of us should leave our crying 3-year olds at preschool. Of course the trick is figuring out if your kid is going to be best served by being left or not, right? And it’s harder to figure out when you’ve got teachers whose bias is one way or another (and a lot of teachers the bias is to just leave ‘em). You’ve got to know your kids and I know my kids.
So I left her yesterday and it was hard but not as hard as it would have been if I hadn’t felt leaving her was good. The thing is, I know that staying would give Madison the message that she’s right to feel so insecure so leaving felt ok. But I feel bad for her.
She has a good time at preschool and likes the kids (although between you and me it’s clear she feels superior to ‘em — that’s the big brother influence because she acts very worldly with her classmates) and she likes her teachers — she’d just like everything better if I’d stay.
My guess is that she’s worried about out-of-sight meaning out-of-mind. In the past when she gets left somewhere it’s always been with family (grandparents or my sister) and it’s usually been with Noah. When I think back to my own preschool days, I can remember having a gnawing feeling that my parents might forget that I was there and just move on with their lives. Now I never cried at preschool but I do remember having that feeling so I think maybe she has a feeling like that, too. So what I’ve been telling her is that I’m her mommy even when I’m not around and she’s my daughter even when I’m not around and that is forever and ever and that I always, always come back to get her because she’s my baby girl.
There’s this glaring part, though, which is that she is also someone else’s baby girl and that mommy went away and did not come back (in the same way) but that part of it runs pretty deep and I’m not sure how to address it without making things seem scarier. And then I wonder (and this is just a wonder but I wonder it) if her African American teacher reminds her in anyway of Jessica because they have the same build and they are the same height and her teacher wears her hair the way Jessica did and the way it is in a couple of the pictures we have up. Miss Lisa, her teacher, is a very calm, soft-speaking, maternal woman. And I can’t help it — I can’t help but wonder if that brings up specific feelings for Madison. That’s the trickier part of seeing adoption-related issues cropping up — there isn’t a great answer book where I can flip to the index and read about how to deal with it.
(I think I’m going to just ask her if she’s noticed that Miss Lisa looks like Jessica and then ask her what she thinks about that.)
Madison and I have also decided that we will find a picture of me and of Daddy and of Noah that she can bring with her and we’ve talked about having a very specific good-bye routine where I will come in, I will watch her put her picture up that says that Madison is in school and that we will check out the snack together. And then I will hug her and kiss her and then I will leave. And she might be sad and it’s ok to be sad — Miss Lisa and Miss Free are there to give her hugs — but that I will come back. I’ve told her it takes practice to get used to preschool but that I have faith in her and know that it will get easier and easier. And that I miss her while she’s gone, too, and that I stop sometimes and think about my Madison and feel a little sad but that I remind myself that I will see her soon when I come pick her up. (She was pleased and a little surprised to hear that I miss and think about her, too, but I think she also found it very comforting. That’s why I thought maybe she’s worried that I forget her when she’s not around.)
Anyway. I wanted to write this down — that Madison cries at preschool and that I think it’s adoption legacy.
(Also I’ve told Miss Lisa — out of Madison’s hearing — that our adoption training said that separating anxiety was a specific issue for adoptees since both the teachers were surprised by Madison’s reaction given her out-going personality. And then in front of Madison I told them about the routine Madison and I decided on and then Miss Lisa and I talked about how the teachers are there to give hugs and sympathy but we talked about this to each other very official-like instead of ganging up to convert Madison herself, you know? Because I always hated it when my mom would unite with the teachers to talk me into doing something I didn’t want to do but if she could get me on her side and then inform the teachers like it was my idea — even if it wasn’t — I was more likely to go along with it. Madison listened hard but looked doubtful.)
It might not actually be adoption related. My brother and I (both biological) apparently did the EXACT same thing when we were little. He was the introverted, shy child and walked right in to preschool/kindergarten/etc… like it was nothing new. I on the other hand (the normally outgoing child) cried every time I went to a new place. For a few weeks. It just happened to be my personality. I just feared change. And it obviously didn’t have anything to do with an adoption since it wasn’t part of our family. Just wanted to share our experience.
I’m curious why you’re so sure its adoption related- not that you would react differently if it wasn’t, or that you shouldn’t always be aware of this possibility- but still, I am curious. Most of my son Wendell’s (non-adopted) friends are starting preschool, and many (most even) of them cried in the beginning. I don’t know what to expect from him when he starts in 2 weeks- he is an extreme extrovert, but he has also always been in very familiar surroundings. I think he’ll be excited (he’s been talking about it that way), but I also expect some tears when I leave.
Anyway, perhaps all separation has a thread of adoption related loss running through it for an adoptee, and perhaps that’s what you’re saying.
Amy and Cynthia are thinking the same lines as myself.
If my son did the same, at the same age, at his preschool, what would you contribute it to?
I only say “If” to elicit a gut reaction, because he did and he’s not adopted.
I’d contribute it the normal separation anxiety a kid that age has. BUT if your son was hospitalized very young and had “lost” you before, I’d say that his feelings would likely be intensified by that experience.
I learned that children who foster (biological children of foster parents) also have higher rates of separation anxiety. Though they were not “left” themselves, they know what terrible things happen to kids. If we don’t know them the truth about why the children were separated they typically believe the parents gave away the kids because they are bad.
So they worry about being left, taken, given away.
Even if you tell them everything, it is still there. They still know — sometimes parents leave kids.
And you are right. Knowing that that is more likely to be a problem for your kid doesn’t make much difference in how you SHOULD deal with it.
I did find that it made me more relaxed about it, as the knowledge seems to have done for you. Just, okay, this is a reasonable fear given their experiences, so I won’t get terribly anxious about whether I did something wrong. My job is just to be supportive and help them to deal. Accept their fear without reinforcing it. Encourage them to move on without making them feel judged for how they feel.
Yep…easy as pie.
We’ve been dealing with the crying and separation anxiety when we drop Sol off at preschool, too, and it was quite a surprise for me at first, since he’s also an extrovert. Now, the hardest part is dealing with the guilt-inducing, “Mommy, I don’t WANT to go to school. I want to stay home with you!” This isn’t exactly an option, but boy, it sure brings up all my doubts about my “choice” to be a working mom. In our case, I kinda wonder if some of his discomfort is that he doesn’t look like anyone else there, since he’s the only biracial kid in his class. Two weeks ago two white girls joined his class, so I think that makes it a little better. Over the summer he was such an anomaly that other kids would “pet” him (which drove him NUTS, because he hates to be touched by people if he doesn’t initiate it). I finally had to ask what that was about, and someone explained it was his hair - he had such a different hair texture (thick, smooth, and slightly wavy) that everyone wanted to feel it. Anyways, I suspect that’s part of the issue, but I don’t want to introduce it into his lexicon if it’s not, so I’m at a loss for how to help him express what his real concerns are.
Well, I digress. Mostly I wanted to recommend a book Sol and I have been reading that seemed to help comfort him that I wasn’t leaving him at preschool as a punishment or because I didn’t love him anymore. It’s called “I Love You All Day Long” by Francesca Rusackas. It’s specifically about how the mother loves her son whether they are together or not, and regardless of what he does. I liked this one better than others of its ilk, because the examples of “not-good” things that the kid might do (and still not lose his mom’s love) are very gentle and don’t give energetic 3-year-olds ideas of new things to try!
one thing that (sometimes) helped my son is if i told him what i’d be doing while he was in preschool, and when i’d pick him up (’i'm going to x store, and then home to get some work done, and then i’ll pick you up’).especially if it was things/places he was familiar with, i think it helped him visualize where i’d be and that it wasn’t an infinite amount of time.
I linked here from Yondalla’s site. My son (adopted) was 10 when he moved home with me, so obviously our situations are different. But I know that there are times when his behavior is very similar to other kids, but the intent behind it is different. For example, Slugger (my blog nickname for my son) used to constantly ask for things when he first moved in with me. All kids ask for treats and toys when at the store, but there was a difference — an intensity, a desperation, an overblown dejection when I said no — that was atypical. I knew it was related to insecurity and fear of neglect somehow. Sure enough, the longer he’s been with me that behavior has lessened. I’m rambling here… I guess what I’m saying is trust your gut. If you think her crying was separation anxiety that’s attachment/adoption-related, you’re probably right.
I really like your approach - acknowledging the feelings but confident that things get better with practice, routines, talking it through. When my little boys first went to daycare (other than their grandmother) I had to talk to their teachers in a couple conversations to help them realize that my being their third mother makes separation anxiety on a different level. They have lived the experience of mommy leaving and not coming back. They’ve each lost two previous mothers. They may not have the words for it, because it happened pre-verbal, but they have the gut knowledge. That makes their panic cries different in my book.
I love that PACT article you linked to. Thanks! The best part for me was the acknowledgment that mom and dad have emotional reactions and dysfunction TOO. Not just the adopted kids. Reminding each other we are going to struggle through it together is the charm.