Comments on: Madison cries at preschool

By: cloudscome

cloudscome — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 12:15:07 +0000

I really like your approach - acknowledging the feelings but confident that things get better with practice, routines, talking it through. When my little boys first went to daycare (other than their grandmother) I had to talk to their teachers in a couple conversations to help them realize that my being their third mother makes separation anxiety on a different level. They have lived the experience of mommy leaving and not coming back. They’ve each lost two previous mothers. They may not have the words for it, because it happened pre-verbal, but they have the gut knowledge. That makes their panic cries different in my book.

I love that PACT article you linked to. Thanks! The best part for me was the acknowledgment that mom and dad have emotional reactions and dysfunction TOO. Not just the adopted kids. Reminding each other we are going to struggle through it together is the charm.

By: Maggie

Maggie — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 22:26:39 +0000

I linked here from Yondalla’s site. My son (adopted) was 10 when he moved home with me, so obviously our situations are different. But I know that there are times when his behavior is very similar to other kids, but the intent behind it is different. For example, Slugger (my blog nickname for my son) used to constantly ask for things when he first moved in with me. All kids ask for treats and toys when at the store, but there was a difference — an intensity, a desperation, an overblown dejection when I said no — that was atypical. I knew it was related to insecurity and fear of neglect somehow. Sure enough, the longer he’s been with me that behavior has lessened. I’m rambling here… I guess what I’m saying is trust your gut. If you think her crying was separation anxiety that’s attachment/adoption-related, you’re probably right.

By: chanie

chanie — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 20:06:18 +0000

one thing that (sometimes) helped my son is if i told him what i’d be doing while he was in preschool, and when i’d pick him up (’i'm going to x store, and then home to get some work done, and then i’ll pick you up’).especially if it was things/places he was familiar with, i think it helped him visualize where i’d be and that it wasn’t an infinite amount of time.

By: Gloria

Gloria — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 17:09:25 +0000

We’ve been dealing with the crying and separation anxiety when we drop Sol off at preschool, too, and it was quite a surprise for me at first, since he’s also an extrovert. Now, the hardest part is dealing with the guilt-inducing, “Mommy, I don’t WANT to go to school. I want to stay home with you!” This isn’t exactly an option, but boy, it sure brings up all my doubts about my “choice” to be a working mom. In our case, I kinda wonder if some of his discomfort is that he doesn’t look like anyone else there, since he’s the only biracial kid in his class. Two weeks ago two white girls joined his class, so I think that makes it a little better. Over the summer he was such an anomaly that other kids would “pet” him (which drove him NUTS, because he hates to be touched by people if he doesn’t initiate it). I finally had to ask what that was about, and someone explained it was his hair - he had such a different hair texture (thick, smooth, and slightly wavy) that everyone wanted to feel it. Anyways, I suspect that’s part of the issue, but I don’t want to introduce it into his lexicon if it’s not, so I’m at a loss for how to help him express what his real concerns are.

Well, I digress. Mostly I wanted to recommend a book Sol and I have been reading that seemed to help comfort him that I wasn’t leaving him at preschool as a punishment or because I didn’t love him anymore. It’s called “I Love You All Day Long” by Francesca Rusackas. It’s specifically about how the mother loves her son whether they are together or not, and regardless of what he does. I liked this one better than others of its ilk, because the examples of “not-good” things that the kid might do (and still not lose his mom’s love) are very gentle and don’t give energetic 3-year-olds ideas of new things to try!

By: Yondalla

Yondalla — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 15:05:38 +0000

I learned that children who foster (biological children of foster parents) also have higher rates of separation anxiety. Though they were not “left” themselves, they know what terrible things happen to kids. If we don’t know them the truth about why the children were separated they typically believe the parents gave away the kids because they are bad.

So they worry about being left, taken, given away.

Even if you tell them everything, it is still there. They still know — sometimes parents leave kids.

And you are right. Knowing that that is more likely to be a problem for your kid doesn’t make much difference in how you SHOULD deal with it.

I did find that it made me more relaxed about it, as the knowledge seems to have done for you. Just, okay, this is a reasonable fear given their experiences, so I won’t get terribly anxious about whether I did something wrong. My job is just to be supportive and help them to deal. Accept their fear without reinforcing it. Encourage them to move on without making them feel judged for how they feel.

Yep…easy as pie.