I just realized
The best way to explain my very strong anti-school feelings is, I think, to compare it to religion. Think about it — cultural doctrine, differing philosophies, etc. It’s like — I’m Jewish, right? And as much as I respect other religions (my husband’s among them) I can’t be anything other than what I am and chose to be (’cuz I’m a Jew by choice and by culture what with the Jewish dad and all). But you try to make me personally embrace another faith, I’d get hostile.
That’s how I feel about school.
I’m Jewish because I think Judaism rocks. I homeschool because I think homeschooling rocks. I’m also NOT a bunch of different religions because I think they (personally) don’t rock and some of them even make me pretty darn grouchy (those religions shall remain nameless). Likewise, I DON’T do school but I think school (personally) is yucky and some schools even make me pretty darn grouchy.
I don’t think any of you non-Jews ought to run out and be Jewish and I don’t think any of you happy schoolers ought to run home and not do school.
Here’s the hard part: As common as homeschooling is getting to be, it’s still a step out of a pretty well-worn path so unlike a religious choice, which is seen as a choice TOWARDS something, homeschooling is seen as (and can be for some of us) a choice AWAY from something (away from brick and mortar school), which can make people squirrel-y.
Unlike religions, Brett and I pretty much agree on school. I’m like 99.9% anti-school and he’s more like a wavering 75% anti-school. These things we agree on:
–School would have been a disaster for Noah when he was younger;
–We credit his good humor, self-confidence and personal growth to keeping him out for as long as we did;
–School would very likely not break him now at this late stage of his life.
Part of this is how we feel about school and part of this is the reality of who Noah was and is.
I would like Noah to never ever go to school but I also think he’d manage if he went. If he does go, I want him to be successful, thus the virtual school.
I would like Madison to never ever go to school and I also think she’d manage. I’m less sure about when though because my concerns for her are different. She’s obviously a total extrovert and wouldn’t have trouble spending the day in a group of kids. And she’s less approval-oriented than he is. On the other hand, she’s a big for her age, very loud, very opinionated, very assertive African American child and studies have shown (if you didn’t read this last time I linked, you should) that this can be a daunting combination. I’d like to keep her out for a good long while, too.
Anyway — I think comparing educational philosophies with religious philosophies might make more sense. You know, so we can all agree to disagree or agree to agree or whatever.
And now I promise to shut up about it.
Totally out of curiosity (because, hey, keep doing whatever works for you/Brett/Noah/Madison), do your feelings about school extend to college? Or are they just about the traditional pre-K through high school system?
Brett and I were just talking about this. For my kids, I wish all school were like college. Because in college (theoretically, at least my college experience) is about LEARNING and self-exploration and not about seatwork and rote memorization and presentations about selling wrapping paper because the school system is so strapped for cash and pep rallies (unless you want to do that), etc.
My issues are with brick and mortal, institutional, traditional school. I’m a devotee of John Holt!!
I think one of my first comments on your blog (years ago now) was on my sentiments on home-schooling (which are not favorable). You pointed out that I probably wouldn’t go to someone else’s house and tell them how I hate how something that’s their choice, and you were right.
But, your comparison to religion makes me more clear on why I don’t like home schooling. You talk about your personal choice of religion, but then switch to talking about your choice of schooling, not for yourself, but for your children. That’s where the choices start to trouble me (and I feel the same way about people’s choice of religion for their children).
That being said, I find it difficult to argue that someone other than their parents should have more say about choices for a child on either of these issues, but it still makes me want the child to have access to choices that aren’t determined by the parents. In your case, you believe strongly not only that home-schooling is right for you, but also for Noah and your ability to contrast that with your more complicated feelings about what’s right for Madison means suggests those feelings are heart felt (and not rightfully interfered with by casual commenters :-).
But, just as you hate traditional school, I saw it, personally, as an opportunity to expand beyond my parents world (and my parents are great, so it wasn’t to avoid an unpleasant situation; I just craved space and a world of my own). School offered that. It offers it for my child as well, who just loves school and the independence that it gives her from parental choices. She also learns an enormous amount that I wouldn’t be able to teach her, and I like that, too.
bj
PS: you’ll have to tell us more about your decision to use the virtual academy. You talk about wanting Noah to be “successful” as the motivation. But, what’s your definition of success? This is an issue I’ve been pondering a lot lately.
See, but I don’t want you to shut up about this! The schooling stuff fascinates me.
Exactly, please do keep on talking about it. I can tell that there’s going to be lots to say anyway since you’re just beginning your virtual school experience with him.
And I do find the comparison with religion very interesting indeed. I TOTALLY would homeschool if I wasn’t so habit and routine adverse, so undisciplined. I don’t think I’d be able to teach Kelvin consistently. It’s very sad b/c between us we cover most school subjects here at home
We’re even considering sending Kelvin to school NOW so I can finish the dissertation! Tough decisions.
I like the religion metaphor. Just like our early experiences with religion shape our preferences for our children, I think our personal experiences with school also shape our educational preferences. While neither DH or I are “religious” in the traditional sense of the word, we had radically different experiences with church growing up, and thus we tend to differ on issues of organized religion and the value of communities founded in faith/spirituality. But, we both had HORRID experiences in school. I’m not sure if you/Brett did (or if you’ve mentioned) it, but a big part of why we would like to home school in the future is because we both felt failed by the school system for different reasons. I think schools are wonderful & I’ve spent a fair amount of time as an adult volunteering in public schools, but as a child, school failed me both academically and socially. And what I’ve seen as a volunteer has reinforced my early experiences. But, I’ve also seen kids who thrive on school and who wouldn’t do well homeschooled. The challenge for me is going to be figuring out which type of kid I have, and trying not to color that judgment with too much of my own personal angst over school. Thanks for writing about these issues.
Bj you wrote, “You talk about your personal choice of religion, but then switch to talking about your choice of schooling, not for yourself, but for your children. That’s where the choices start to trouble me (and I feel the same way about people’s choice of religion for their children).”
Just ‘cuz school is the default doesn’t mean that it’s not parents making choices for their kids just like homeschooling. Parents make choices for their kids period. You’re assuming homeschool is a less than and it’s a DIFFERENT than.
Gal, you stirred the pot, didn’t you?
I don’t blame you. Until children can look at school with an unbiased opinion of what is best for me in the long haul, and how will I learn the most in such a short period of time?; you can’t let the child choose.
My mother chose to start homeschooling us when I was 11. She did it more for my brother than I, but she didn’t want me to have the same problems. Also home-schooled my two younger siblings their entire school lives. It was the best choice for my sister and one brother. My other brother and I could have done fine in a traditional school, but I know that it was best for all four of us to do the same thing.
I know how I feel about homeschooling, which is that I wouldn’t be a very good teacher. I know my daughter responds better to teachers and doctors than she does us, with less arguement. That’s probably my fault, since I’ve taught her in our family her opinion matters, though we retain ultimate veto power-which we try not to abuse.
You have made the best decision for you and yoru family. The fact that you acknowledge Madison might do better in a traditional school means you are willing to keep what’s best for your children at the heart of the matter.
People do homeschool for convience, because they don’t want to teach kids certain issues, for any number of reasons that they shouldn’t. But to me, you are doing it for the right reasons-it’s what’s best for your children and you.
Not any school teaches children everything-we as parents also teach them things. So parent’s opinions have to matter.
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My kids go to public school. Granted, it’s an exceptional school but it is a brick and mortar school - homework in the evenings and all. Workbooks, etc, the whole thing.
Honestly, just like I can’t wrap my head around homeschooling others can’t around public school- and I respect that…my point is that I can’t wrap my head around it because I CAN’T. That statement has nothing to do with homeschoolers it’s more about me. I don’t have it in me. I simply don’t.
And let’s leave out the $20,000 in special services my kids get to support their special needs (and they aren’t considered severe). Those services are for basic skills that other parents take for granted like speech, buttoning shirts, basic reading.
My frame of reference is that school was good for me. I was an average student. A C. Something like 200 out of 400 kids. The school work didn’t excite me, my life around being social did so it was a good experience.
But I will say that not all public school experiences are horrible. And just like there is no way for me to say with certainty that homeschooling wouldn’t work for my kids (if I could actually do it, but I can’t), there’s no way to say that school wouldn’t work for homeschoolers. But it’s our choices that work for our familiies. And that is the great thing about having kids… you have a chance to change things that you would have in your own past.
We have very practical, specific reasons for choosing the school options we choose for our kids. I’ve been immensely grateful that none of the homeschoolers who read my blog have ever been so ungracious as to say, “hey, this is exactly why we’re not doing the bricks-and-mortar school” when I write about our inevitable problems with our choices. I’ve wondered whether that’s because the homeschoolers know what it’s like to write about your problems and have people use them as an argument against the choice altogether.
The religion analogy doesn’t work very well for me because I feel, at some level, compelled to believe what I believe about the Divine,* but I don’t feel compelled to make a particular set of choices about school for my kids. I want to make the best choices for their particular selves, in the context of our particular family.
Then again, I’ve never felt that traditional school was the default (because I’m surrounded by people who homeschool, and not having made the choice, I’ve never been on the inside of the attacks against it), AND school saved my life. I’m sure that affects my attitudes about school in all sorts of profound ways.
These days, I know very few people (with abundant resources, of money or time or education) who consider the education decision a one-off deal, who never revisit it once it’s made. Maybe that’s just a reflection of the company I keep.
* I feel compelled because it would be false for me to say I didn’t believe in God, I would know I was lying to myself, even though lately I find that belief inconvenient and absurd.
Riderone dreamily recalls the make-work assignments of grade school, the aroma of mimeograph paper (mmmm!), the thwap thwap thwap of the working ABDick machine if you were lucky enough to be sent to the school office to pick up a fresh batch of work papers (like warm bread, it was!), the special purple ink, and recalls that she found the assignments brought her peace and relaxation, the same kind she finds now when she does very simple knitting.
Thanks for the link to the article. I missed it the first time around and I am constantly trying to explain to well-meaning white people why race is a factor in our decision to home school. A nice footnote to help in that endeavor next time.