One more thing
Jul 27, 2007 Adoption
About my last post.
I know that fueling these questions will be a primal (that word again!) need for answers but that adoption can’t be addressed in a simple mathematical formula like “Jessica had X and there was Y and so Z — you’re adopted!” I think when a child who is adopted says, “How could you give me up???” there is no answer that will make that pain go away. So I think part of the job is to just hear, “I am angry and hurt and grieving!!!”
I relate this to my relationship with my dad. As an adult, I now understand why he wasn’t the father I wanted but in the midst of it I was just in a lot of pain that he was missing and that he was able to be present for my little sisters. He could have said, “But Dawn, I was on the moon during your early years and couldn’t get back to earth!” And I’d have said, “But if you loved me enough you would have flown home!”
And so I think that also what I will say is something like, “Sometimes things happen that hurt so much that we want to make sense of it so the hurt goes away. But sometimes the hurt is something you need to learn to live with and grow from. Sometimes there are no answers to make it all better.”
I just always think about my friend, L, saying, “He’s not the daddy I wanted but he’s the daddy I got.” (I know I’ve blogged that line at least twice before.) When she said that, it was a huge relief somehow. It acknowledged how I wished it were different but also gently said that this was the way it was for me. That’s what I want Madison to understand. Maybe that’s what I’ll say, too, “It’s not how you would have chosen things to be but it’s how things were.” And then hug her a lot.
Life is not easy.
I think when a child who is adopted says, “How could you give me up???†there is no answer that will make that pain go away. So I think part of the job is to just hear, “I am angry and hurt and grieving!!!â€Â
Mmm, something very important for me to keep in mind as I work on this on my own end. It is true that when expressing questions like this, or statements, that sometimes we just want to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. Gosh, haven’t I been there myself? Thank you for pointing that out with regard to this particular subject. I think that could be vastly important in how I continue going about planning this kind of thing in my brain.
And really, I love this:
“Sometimes things happen that hurt so much that we want to make sense of it so the hurt goes away. But sometimes the hurt is something you need to learn to live with and grow from. Sometimes there are no answers to make it all better.â€Â
I’m going to steal it for my mental bank and possibly blog on it later. (With links, of course!)
(Uh, sorry that the whole thing is italicized. Can you edit that for me to just your beginning quote and the second quote? I’m awesome.)
I can say this-my mother (who is bioligical mom) told me many a time I was a product of rape by my alcoholic father. She divorced and remarried my TRUE dad, who finally offically adopted me ten years later. People ask these questions, but I don’t answer them. I’ve asked my mom and my dad these questions, we’ve talked about. Outside of the three of us, it isn’t discussed. Makes it so much easier.
I’ve also learned that parents always do the best they can. That’s not always how we’d want it or even remotely enough. But they do the best they are able to do.
This is a very wise post. I think you are really right on track here. The listening and accepting and being there are what is most important. I am trying to pull my thoughts together to respond to Jenna as well.