this woman’s work

You are browsing the archives from 2007 June.

Even though at many meetings we don’t talk about writing.

Last night they helped me have confidence that I can read the insane “go Go GO!” books and leave my ordinary self intact and that my ambition to take care of my family is a big enough ambition to drive my efforts. That I don’t have to wanna be Donald Trump. Yeah. What they said. Because who the hell wants to be Donald Trump besides Donald Trump? And he’s probably in denial about his self-hatred because he’s so self-hate-able.

Now I have to figure out how to get over my money guilt so I don’t wince every time I send an invoice. (Ouch.)

In other plans … I was thinking of doing a survey to kill time and gather resources for my open adoption book. I want to be able to say that I’m talking to zillions of people in my proposal but I also don’t want to kill too much time (being known to use busy work as a work-avoidance technique) and I want to start outlining my sample chapter.

I think one sample chapter (I’ll need two) ought to be a little run-down of our own open adoption story and then a look at open adoption historically — nothing too heavy because again with my work-avoidance technique. I also need to start working on the chapter outline.

I know I want to include international adoption but I’m not sure what I want to include about it. The part of international adoption I’m most interested is people who are wanting to find birth family connections after the fact. I want to look at how the changing cultural of openness is impacting adoptions that are pretty much always considered closed. So not the Ethiopian or Guatemalan adoptions, for example, where people know there’s the possibility of openness, but adoptions from places like China. I want to know more about what drives people especially someone who maybe chose an international adoption because of birth parent fears and then who changed their mind when their child came home. I want to know more about why they changed their minds. (Hmmm, maybe I’ll make a survey for parents in closed adoptions, too, to see what they think about openness.)

Onwards, onwards.

I always wondered where Noah would be in an actual academic environment and it turns out he’s about where I thought he’d be: behind in math and way ahead in reading.

The placement teacher wasn’t sure about where to put him in math because he’s not as behind as we thought he might be but we decided to bump him down and then test him out of some of it to catch him up more quickly.

He tested as high as they go in reading comprehension and likely would be higher since he only missed one or two on the highest level they have, (which, may I brag, is 8th grade). But we’re not bumping him up since his grammar tests right where he ought to be.

I wish we’d started him with formal math earlier, I guess, although the attitude at K12 seems to be that levels are kinda arbitrary and that it’s really about letting kids work at their own pace (my thoughts exactly).

I have high hopes for the virtual school and Noah is excited about getting assignments because he’s a bit of a geek, (but in a good way). My biggest concern right now is that his “evaluate me!” self will kick in and make him work for the grade instead of the learning itself. You should have seen the way he grabbed for his Hebrew/Religious school report card. Sheesh.

Today I’m all high on homeschooling because if this virtual school works it’ll solve our dilemma (how to make sure Noah is caught up enough that school can be an option for him if he so chooses as a teen) but still keep him at home where we all want him to be. (Him most of all.) I also want to evaluate it as an option for Madison if need be. I still really really want homeschooling to work for her but we’ll see. And I’d also like to unschool her for the early years, too, although we’d hit math a little earlier.

A marketing person I know just sent me one of those motivational essays and it includes this quote, “You must have a combination of the itch (the desire) to play, the deep want to excel and win, the drive (pun intended), and the love of the game. That’s the personal piece.”

See, I don’t have the deep want to excel and win. My deep want is to do ok and pay my bills and still have time to hang with my family. This is what I’m talking about.

This is a really hard thing for me. You know how we were talking about the so what question? I always go, “You know, you’re right. Who cares.” And then I give up. Not because I have low self-esteem or even think nobody will want to read what I write. It’s more that I don’t really get why other people read and with corporate stuff, I don’t really get why they need writers. Theoretically I get it — somebody has to write all that stuff — but I have trouble saying that in a sales-oriented way. “Hey, somebody’s gotta write it — why not me?” Is probably not a great slogan.

So I’m reading Cold Calling for Women (and shuddering with trepidation) because I know I have to figure this out. It’s like going to a foreign country and I have no idea how to speak the language.

I actually don’t anticipate doing much cold calling but I will have to do a little (and to me, even calling people I’ve talked to before feels like cold calling because I have a long-standing fear of the phone) and also I have to figure out exactly what the hell I’m doing out here.

As I research I’m also realizing how much these skills will help me with my creative goals because so much of this is still who you know and how you learn to market yourself and your work. What’s crazy is that I love to do this for other people. I’m full of ideas for other people but when it comes to myself I come up blank. But I’m working on it.

Brett said (he’s so cute), “Maybe you could just get more work like XYZ” but he didn’t do the math. How am I supposed to “just” get more work like XYZ? Sure things fall in a person’s lap now and then but mostly you have to go out and get it. I’ve been extraordinarily lucky about work so far but I need to make more money and after that, I want to make more money.

I want to write more about my psychotic angst about money but it’s 1pm and I’ve got some work I want to get done this afternoon. Maybe I’ll navel-gaze later — I have to work it out.

I brought the kids because I heard-tell kids were welcome and someone who was going to be there — but wasn’t — said, “Aww, bring the kids!” And then they were the only kids there. (Oops.) And I have trouble concentrating if they’re within sight of me even if Daddy has things under control. And then (Bigger Oops) Madison wet her pants while sitting on Brett’s shoulders as he was rushing her to the bathroom.

Then it started to storm and we ended up leaving early.

I’m tired.