Noah is happy
Jun 12, 2007 Parenting, The Story of My Life
He’s far happier than I was at 10 1/2 and he’s happier than Brett was, too. I keep watching him and wondering how in the hell he got so happy, which makes me think about how in the hell I got so sad.
Because we were both born in January it’s very easy for me to look at Noah and know exactly where I was when I was that age. I don’t have to do any scanning, adding or subtracting to figure it out. I know that the summer when I was 10 1/2 I was coming out of fifth grade, having skipped fourth, and was well and truly miserable. I’d been unhappy off and on before but a gloomy kind of melancholy. I was a daydreaming kid, like most bookworms. When I was eight or nine I used to send notes out on the wind hoping someone magical would get them. I’d bike around on gray days and sing to myself. I was happy/unhappy and prone to worrying. (Noah has caught that worry gene.) But after they skipped me it all revved up like a horrible singing in my ears. I was anxious all the time. My headaches got worse and I cried more than ever. They skipped me because they were worried I was slipping too far into fantasy and so they wanted to wrench me back but the wrenching went deep.
There were other things, too, that made me unhappy. My parents divorced, I think a year or so later. I can never really remember. I know that they my dad lived with us for awhile during the amicable separation so that my mother could go to school and ready herself for the job market. When was that? Was I Noah’s age or just a bit older? I only know that I skipped fourth grade and then everything got harder — school, the divorce, then adolescence. I’m not whining, mind you — my life has been a pretty good one — but when I look at happy Noah I just marvel at him.
I wonder if it’ll make his teen years easier, having a stronger fortitude of happiness. He seems more confident than I felt (although who knows what goes on behind their eyes) and he seems to take his place in the family more although I think that’s a generational thing. I think parents of my generation are more apt to include kids than my parents were. I have no idea if that’s good or bad.
Back to Noah’s happiness. He’s got the same stall in math that I had and the same leap in reading. Honestly, I think our test scores are about the same. (I wasn’t quite as behind in math as he is but very nearly.) Difference is I made myself sick worrying and he brags easily. “I’m not so good at math,” he says. “My thing is reading.” He’s more comfortably accepting of what he can do and what he can’t and what he doesn’t want to bother with.
Six years ago I sat in my therapist’s office talking about homeschooling (she was against it — thought it’d be too hard on me) and why I wanted to do it.
“I was so miserable!” I told her. “I can’t stand to do that to my kids!”
“But he’s not you. Besides he’s already got more than you ever had because his parents love each other.”
I don’t know what it is — the homeschooling, our reasonably happy marriage, a not depressed (mostly) mother, a super-involved father or just the random confluence of Noah’s cells and soul and being but he’s happy right now and I’m so relieved.
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Tags: homeschool, Homeschooling, my dad, Noah
Yearning
Jun 11, 2007 Adoption, Book work
Jessica couldn’t make it to the party yesterday. It was the first birthday of one of her friend’s son and if I’d known Jessica wasn’t going to be there, maybe I would have copped out on going and I’m glad I didn’t because we had fun.
Jessica’s friends are like family to her and it’s one of the first things I admired about her. When we met for the first time, three of her girlfriends came and these three girlfriends have remained very important people in her life. One of them was at Madison’s birth and one of them is the one who called me to say Madison was born.
I didn’t have great relationships with women as early in my life as she has. I was too mired in jealousy and fear and that made me see every female friend as a rival; this is why I admire Jessica and her friends so much. I admire the strength of her relationships and her ability to maintain those friendships through the ups and downs of life and through inevitable conflicts and arguments. I think it speaks well of her and it speaks well of them.
Sometimes I’m jealous of their relationship with Jessica because, quite simply, I love her and wish I could be as close to her as they all are. I wish I was privy to her everyday events the way they are and wish I could know her that well. It makes me think that this must be how it is when your kids are grown. I’m not foolish enough to be really and truly jealous of Jessica’s friends or to try to insert myself in her life more than I already get to be. But still, yesterday I kept wanting to bring Jessica’s name into the conversation because I feel a little hungry for more of her and I wish I could see her through their eyes, too. Like she’d sent along these rolls she’d made and they were talking about them and what was in them and about what a good cook Jessica is and I cocked my ears, ready to hear any little thing about her. You know what it’s a little like? It’s a little bit like when you have a crush on somebody and you want to bring their name into conversation so you can hear other people talking about them, too. That’s a bit what it’s like. Only it feels much more appropriate to have the distance so that’s what makes me think it’s a taste of how it’ll be for my kids. One day they’ll be older and have lives totally separate from me and I’ll love to be a part of it and maybe a little wistful because of the absolutely appropriate and sensible boundaries. So while I’ll want to eat up every little bit of them, I’ll also know that the glimpses are all I need to see.
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Tags: Madison
Stating the obvious
Jun 11, 2007 Parenting
Funny things Brett has said since coming home to be a full-time parent:
- “Grocery shopping with the kids is hard!”
- “I fix breakfast and as soon as I turn around it’s time to fix lunch!”
- “It’s impossible to keep up with the laundry.”
- “I’m running out of ideas for what I should feed these kids.”
- “Doesn’t anybody know how to pick up after themselves around here?”
- “Madison just does not quit!”
To his credit he’s also said — more than once, “I don’t know how you did this and worked.” And now he’s being very kind to me. He brings me coffee every morning while I’m sitting here figuring out my day’s to-do list. He’s a good guy.
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Tags: Madison
Birthday party today
Jun 10, 2007 Writing
Madison had her first Noah-free birthday invitation from a friend of Jessica’s so we’ll be off to play in the park and eat cake this afternoon. Yesterday I spent very little time at the computer (baseball practice and errands meant I was the go-to mama all day) but while outside watching Madison wash Naked Baby in her water table I did some very very rough chapter outlining. I need to figure out a little more of it THIS WEEK because I’m going to go for this scholarship/grant thing, which I am unlikely to get but filling out the forms will be helpful to me and what the heck, I’ll regret it if I don’t apply. I hit Becca up for a reference and unlike my other two references, she’s actually making me work for it by sending her my personal statement. Which means I have to write it instead of put it off until after the deadline and then stamp my feet and say, “oh well — I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”
Have I ever said here that Becca reminds me of my mother? Only she doesn’t cuss like a sailor and she’s shorter.
Other than work that people pay me for, that’s at the top of this week’s to-do list.
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Random thoughts for Friday
Jun 8, 2007 work work work
1. Yesterday I spoke with a very expensive marketing consultant for over two hours. Only she didn’t charge me because she likes me, heh. She gave me some great ideas and I feel so excited about them that I’m having a hard time stopping myself from jumping too far ahead. One step at a time, grasshopper! First thing to do — make a list of prospects I want to target. Second — make a logo. Third — design the campaign. That’s the fun part!
2. I’ve always said you can learn anything in the world if you find the right book and these days I’m devouring bits and pieces of books on marketing, self-employment, business, graphic design, etc. One thing that has always bothered me about many self-help books of all stripes (and I’ll have to read Jennifer’s book — on my to-buy list — to see if she found the same thing) is that they have about one message and they just repeat it ad nauseum and then run it with anecdotes. On the plus side it means there isn’t too much to read because you can skip all the stuff you heard before. Also — many self-help books? Common sense. But sometimes common sense doesn’t make sense until someone else is saying it to you.
3. I understand that the reason more people don’t go into corporate writing is also the reason more people don’t, say, flip houses or go on the stage. Because it’s hard. Make no mistake, this is hard but so far it’s been a lot easier than magazine writing and it feels more in my control. Now if I lived in NYC, I’d want to write for magazines because these kinds of hands-on techniques would be a lot easier there. And if I lived in a teensy town I’d probably keep trying for magazines because who the hell else would I write for? But here in Columbus OH, there is work galore. At least that’s been my impression. The key is to find it.
4. Because we are a cheap people, I don’t have that far to stretch to meet my monetary goals. Taking a tip from my very expensive yet free to me consultant, I may aim higher. My god, that seems scary. But you know, our furnace is on its last legs (and no air conditioning this summer, alas!) and I think I’d like to do more than make my bills and sock a tiny bit away. I think I’d like to sock a lot away. So there.
5. I’m going to devote one day a week to just book work. I can get a lot done in one day. And then I won’t worry that I’m missing opportunities.
6. Another thing — I’m realizing that a lot of organization is creating systems. My first created system was downloading and springing for Billable (I liked it better than this one). Now when I finish a job, I immediately put it in an invoice. I send out invoices every other Friday morning. Today is an invoice day. Now I want to find some contact management software that I like. Turns out there’s a better way to keep track of things than scraps of paper all over my desk. Who knew?
7. At the same time I need some hardcopy ways to keep my mind straight. If I have too much on the computer to check I lose track of things. So my to-do list is staying on my white board and I have two calendars. One is blank just so I can keep track of what day it is for 100 Hats (I mark-up copy about two weeks ahead every weekend so I need to look and see when we’re publishing) and one has deadlines. And I always have a scratchpad next to me for notes and brainstorming and hex codes.
8. I’m writing all of this because I know that some of you care and also because I care. So there.
9. Today we’re taking the day off to go play with cousins. But first I have a couple of things to do. Work before fun and all that although what I have to do is not so bad that I wouldn’t call it fun. It’s just not fun like watching the kids run around in the backyard sprinkler.