this woman’s work

You are browsing the archives from 2007 June.

First of all it was funny to be at a festival promoting pot smoking seeing as how even in my wayward youth I wouldn’t have gone because back then there was a strong schism between the peace-love-hippies and cool-punk-rockers at least in my mind (although boys and girls of my acquaintance went wherever the herb was good) yet there I was — 37, child in tow, ducking through crowds of young women in patchwork skirts, white boys with locs, and men wearing t-shirts promoting smoking of a special sort. (Brett and I are sure that we were the oldest people there who didn’t come for the drugs — there were certainly folks our age and older but they were clearly about the message of the festival.)

The band is terrific. Their instruments include the usual guitar, bass and drum (of course) but they also play mandolin, DJ turntables, saxophone, trumpet and a secular shofar. They’re really tight with a nice stage presence. Madison likes ‘em and danced between sips of lemonade and swiping Jessica’s water bottle. She was wearing her tie-dye dress from her birthday, which is a little too big and kept slipping up and needing someone to adjust it.

Jessica sang towards the end of the set and when she got up there I was struck by two things: One by how beautiful she is. I always think she’s beautiful but seeing her up on stage I got a glimpse of how she looks to other people with her lit-up smile. And she’s maybe even more beautiful up there singing because she glows like someone who ought to be up on a stage, you know? It was weird seeing her up there but weird in a good way. Then she started singing and I got a lump in my throat because she is good. She has a clear voice like a perfect bell and it just blew me away. They sang a Bob Marley song first — I can’t find the name of it — but it’s a plaintive song with a chorus about rain. I thought they were singing “red rain” but I can’t find a song of his with that in it. (Anyone know what it could be? I’ll have to ask Jessica.) Jessica was singing the back-up and — I know this is silly — she sounded like an actual singer and not just someone I know. I felt like standing up and saying, “Hey! That’s my daughter’s mother! Hey!” I mean, I was so proud! She glanced at me and saw my reaction and her smile got bigger and I puffed up even more.

You know how people don’t always sing like they talk? My friend Jodi Shaw sounds like she’d be an alto but she’s not. Jessica sings a little higher than she talks but mostly she sings like she looks. When I heard Jodi sing the first time I got whiplash. When I heard Jessica, it all made sense. It’s all there in her clear brown eyes.

That song was beautiful and I blinked back tears the entire time. Then they sang a blue’s song (can’t find it to link to but I’ve head it before) and by then Madison was sitting by me and not Brett so I took her down front so that Jessica could be sure to see her. Then they sang this song where she and two other members of the band did a rap. (Again I’ve heard the song but can’t find it.) Jessica was dancing on stage the whole time but for this song she kinda mugged for the camera and the faces she made are exactly the faces that Madison — a champion mugger — makes when she dances. (This was Brett’s favorite part because he thought she had great showmanship and couldn’t stop talking about it.)

She said I could link to her boyfriend’s band: Bumwealthy (friend them on myspace!) but she’s not singing on any of their sample songs, alas.

I’m so proud of her and so proud to have someone with that kind of talent in the family. I love her so much. Heck, I’d love her even if she couldn’t sing but that she can? Now I love her extra-a lot! (I’m so shallow. You sing to me and I’m yours forever.) Man, she blows me away. Her voice and that big beautiful smile she’s got. Even if I’d never met her, I’d be all crushy on her after seeing that performance.

And the peace-loving-hippie gatherings are a lot more fun now that I’m twenty years older and not showing up just to pick up some boy sure to break my heart. I was thinking about that, too, because I’m thinking about my essay again and I was thinking yet more about how we lucked out sharing some basic values about the world even if some of our specific choices are different. I mean, in some ways Jessica is more conservative than I am and in some ways I am more conservative than she is but when it comes right down to it, we’re driven by a lot of the same morals about things. Basically people with beads in their hair lobbying for decriminalizing marijuana are not a foreign species to me or Brett (despite our own straight-edge choices) especially since there are people in my very own immediate family who are not strangers to Humboldt County. (And let me add that this person is going to be highly amused to read that I went to Hemp Fest!) And even bringing our kids — though we were Noah-free last night — to something like that isn’t the kind of thing we’d balk at. (Opportunities for discussion and growth! Yippee!)

But we’re just lucky that we matched with someone who is similar enough to us that we get it. There are lots of other kinds of lifestyles that would have been hard for us. This ain’t one of ‘em.

I shouldn’t be in my basement office, squinting at the screen (I left my glasses upstairs) because I have a lot to do to get ready to go see Jessica sing! (Weather permitting!) Her boyfriend’s band is playing tonight and she sometimes does a song or two or three with them but I haven’t gotten to see her sing with them yet. I’m really praying that the thunderstorms hold off ’til later this evening.

I can’t sing at all but dearly wish I could. If Madison inherited Jessica’s singing voice, it will only be Brett who will stop me from becoming a terrible stage mother with Broadway lights gleaming in my eyes. I’m barely kidding there.

Tomorrow I’m giving a presentation at this crazy networking event. I love this networking group because it’s absolutely raucous and encouraging. The last meeting was held at this bar and included free pizza, jell-o shots and a karaoke machine. Want to learn more? Go here.

I’m hoping I have time to go back to my essay next week because I neglected it all last week, having lots of other stuff to do besides which little motivation to make time for it. I’m feeling itchy and scratchy creatively all of a sudden.

So I bitch and bitch on my blog yesterday (and that ain’t nothing compared to what Brett had to put up with!) and then today was this awesome day what with all the support that there is in the world. I mean, really, the support started yesterday with commenters and a couple of you calling me and then some rapid-fire emails during my breakdown and then today more support and coffee with a fellow writer-friend and man, you know, I just feel like it’s ok and it’s getting better. Yesterday I was feeling low and discouraged about myself and my abilities and today I’m ready to take on the world.

Thanks, guys!!!

I’m feeling better today but still thoughtful. I talked to the person(s) in question and got it cleared up. I’m still left thinking about career stuff and what I need to learn to do it.

When I was in therapy over my infertility I had a break-up with a friend. Before the break-up I was trying to figure out what to do about this relationship that had left me feeling bad about myself and my therapist asked why I was hanging in there. I told her that I felt vulnerable because I’d shared so much with this friend and I was afraid she would hurt me somehow.

“So let me get this straight,” said my tough-talking therapist. “You’re maintaining a relationship that makes you unhappy because you’re trying to control someone else’s behavior?”

I know. Suddenly it stopped making sense to me, too.

I still do this. I still do things because I’m trying to manipulate a reaction only most of the time I don’t recognize that’s what I’m doing. In particularly, sometimes I think I can force a quid pro quo relationship by my actions and then I’m upset when the quid pro quo doesn’t take. This is my problem. There’s networking/being helpful and then there’s giving away the goods for free and I need to learn the difference.

This is about how my expectations need to change and be more realistic because it’s not fair to get resentful when there was never an agreement in the first place, you know? I certainly can’t blame people for taking care of themselves and their business; instead I need to learn to do this for myself.