That took my breath away.

And don’t fear the teens - teens rock!

Growing up my parents were fairly free with the adults that their children “brought home” but when it came to positioning other children/best friends as more important that blood kin…my folks were fairly rigid. They could share us with adults but had very specific opinions about how we should embrace other young people. I remember many discussions where my parents refused to acknowledge how important these friends were to me.

A funny thing happened though. My sister showed her true colors much to the disappointment of my parents who had been living in denial. Then my friends showed their amazing compassion and love for my family. Just recently when I announced that we had received a multi-racial referral, my sister was cold and distant but my best friend of almost 20 years was joyful. My sister couldn’t be bothered to host us while we waited on Interstate Compact to clear - but my Best Friend moved heaven and earth for that priviledge. The BM ultimately changed her mind but this event led my mother to say:

“You always knew your own heart. Since you were a child, you knew who and what you were and could see the truth in people. Your father and I found that frightening. It’s no surprise to me that (best friend’s name) would do this for you as she is in all ways the sister that you don’t have biologically. You’ve known that about her since forever. I just didn’t want to accept it because it meant that somehow we failed your sister.”

I was shocked. It was reaffirming to hear. I think my mother feels better for saying it too.

Our extended family isn’t all blood kin anymore. It’s friends, birthfamilies, foster kids… My parents had a struggle learning all of this but that they are there now. We only need a birthfamily to complete the picture.

lol, and btw, by “more mature”, please don’t read that as “you folks are OLD”! *laughs* I know sometimes people look back and think “my goodness.. I’m so old!”. But then again, I thought that way when I turned two decades old.. can you believe that? lol, and I didn’t understand when other adults (mainly gay men, actually!) were telling me “hon, you’re just a young’un and you’re just starting your life!”. But I’m starting to understand what they meant now.. .

Oop, sorry for this such self-indulgent comment, Dawn!

I was (and am) a jealous person so I had to work through this first. And then I had to work through the fact that I felt like I “owned” her (this has nothing to do w/ adoption for me…I would have felt the same about a child that came from my body…it has more to do w/ the way I parent) and I had to let go and surrender this need to control and understand that she is, and will always be, her own little person; one that will grow up to have her own life independent of me that will include both us and her birth parents (hopefully) so yes…I too am “holding” her for birth mom, and us, and herself until she can fly solo and my hope is that when she does fly solo she will be able to navigate between all of us with freedom and purpose w/out feeling awkward and sad and divided.

Just a few days ago we talked (she is 8 now!) about how she should never have to feel “divided” or like a “traitor” if in the future she thought of or called her first mom “mom” - had I felt like I “owned” her simply because she was “my” kid I would have never been able to free her to be herself and love us both and this would, I’m sure, come back to bite me in the ass in the future as she would have, inevitably, have felt resentful.

Anyway…I’ve been trying to stay away from commenting but this one reallly hit home so I couldn’t resist!LOL (had I kept my blog I wouldn’t have to hijack comment boxes now!)

hugs