I hate the “but I’m infertile” excuse
Apr 4, 2007 Adoption
Go read what Rachel has to say to a potential adoptive mother who feels that her pain over not having a child trumps any need to be ethical. Rachel says:
I can understand when a person is steeped in her/his own pain, it is hard to see the suffering of others. Adoption and infertility are emotionally and financially stressful processes, so is being adopted or being a birth mother. I just ask that adoptive parents work extra hard to put themselves in their child’s shoes. Think about the mother who is giving the tremendous gift of her child to you, and don’t assume that your privilege is going to fix everything and entitle you to do whatever you want.
How hard is that to understand? Being in pain doesn’t make us above morality. My parents were divorced. It sucks. Does that mean it’s ok for me to sleep with your husband? (Or wife?) Money is really tight right now and I’m pretty stressed about it. So can I steal your identity for awhile?
I’ve written about this before. Surely I will write about it again. And I’m going to say it right now:
It’s incredibly ironic to me when we infertile-types — who know better than anyone what it’s like to have fate play fast and loose with our reproductive plans — can’t muster compassion for women on the other side of the fate fertility coin.
Rachel says:
Using the “privilege†as a criteria for parenting helps justify the exploitation of birth mothers (and adopted children) in developing countries.
And right here in the US of A, too.
The negative adoption climate in this country helps fuel the adoption industry here and overseas. The big changes demanded by reform won’t happen until we readjust our attitudes. So what we have is some adopters going elsewhere because the adopters believe “these people are having children simply for monetary gain” (please note that the commenter at Rachel’s adds: “I am fine with that”). If this woman already thinks the American adoption industry was a “nightmare” (and I’m sure she’s not talking about a nightmare of coercion — not with that entitlement going on, she’s talking about how she didn’t get a baby), and that it’s OK for buy children like puppies, then can we really count on her vote to open records or make open adoption agreements legal?
Those of us who are pro-adoption reform can’t ignore the international adoption industry. I am so grateful to knowledgeable, ethical, honest adopters like AmFam and ThirdMom who educate folks like me who don’t know a darn thing about international adoption. We’re a reflection of our systems and the flaws are our own.
April 4th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
I’m seeing a parallel here between this post, and the previous one, particularly the part in the film where the discussion of using being fat as an excuse for all other issues comes up.
It applies to my own life, as well…we call it playing the disabilities card. I suppose I could say, It’s all because my son has special needs! but I don’t. It goes against everything I want for him, and everything I feel about my experience with him. We are not handicapped; we are differently abled.
I think any situation can be used as a point to shut down, and excuse ourselves from engaging in life. I think a true measure of personal character is how we choose to act in the face of these challenges.
April 4th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
I was more pro-international adoption than domestic in my post-WTF moment until I started doing research on birth parents in these countries. The stories coming out of Korea, especially, continue to break my heart on a daily basis. But that’s only a small part of what you’re talking about here…
I find it personally offensive when someone tells me (or another birth mother) that they deserve children more than we did (or do, as I’ve been told by an adoptive mother that since I placed one child I don’t have a right to have any more children ever and should give them all to “good” homes). It’s just frustrating all around.
My brain is mush today.
April 4th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Dawn, thank you for the shoutout, I really appreciate it.
And in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to say that I remember that feeling of entitlement. It wasn’t that I felt the world owed me a child more than another woman, it was that I felt it owed me a child as opposed to none. That desperation consumed me, as I’m sure it does others. Without ethical adoption laws, the risks are obvious.
Thank you for your tenacity in speaking out for adoption reform - you are absolutely a leader!!
April 7th, 2007 at 3:07 am
I said this at Rachel’s, but I’ll say it here too:
The logical conclusion to the argument, “I’m in pain from infertility, so I get a pass to adopt unethically,” is “I’m in pain from relinquishment, so I get a pass to kidnap back my relinquished daughter.”
If Cheryl REALLY thought the world should operate according to her logic, if the world really DID operate according to her logic, she’d never end up with a child… because her child’s birth mom would be justified in just stealing her back.
See how that works, Cheryl?