But more fundamentally, it took attunement to my daughter and a willingness to view her behaviors in a context and understand what I was seeing. Many well intentioned friends assured me that Sal’s emotional outbursts were developmentally normal and that their own children had done the same things. It took some extra sensitivity, and trusting my gut, to see that something was indeed amiss. Her episodes were too intense, lasted too long, and persisted past what was typically age appropriate.
Initially, seeking out therapy was crushing; the last thing I wanted was for Sal to be slapped with a scary sounding acronym. But after the blow of that first diagnosis, I quickly learned to look past the labels and see that they don’t define who my daughter is. Sal is not a pathology or an aberration. Her neurobiological and psychological responses to her experiences were completely normal. It was the circumstances that were extraordinary.
–source: BAAS.org: Bay Area Adoption Services
AmFam wrote an amazing post about getting help for her youngest daughter, L, who just came home from China a little over a month ago. Go read it. She is so brave and man, she’s walking her talk.
I just spent the morning with some kids and one was a child who clearly has some stuff going on and who is adopted and who is of color and his/her parent doesn’t want to seek out help for fear of “stigmatizing” this child. I know this parent loves his/her kid and I know this parent’s heart is in the right place but it’s the child who pays for the omission. Best intentions only go so far. I hurt for both of them.
You know what the Children’s Defense Fund slogan is? It’s the Irish Fisherman’s Prayer: “Dear Lord, be good to me. The sea is so wide and my boat is so small.”
Possibly related posts:
I just read that post and the linked article from BAAS. Man. Yes, brave, and yes, the best and only thing for her kid. And wow I really hurt for your friend’s child too. Ouch. Do you feel like you can say anything? These things are so delicate. I was present at the birth of a friend’s child and there were major problems at the birth. Two years later, he clearly had Problems but she didn’t see it (also, I had worked as a pediatric PT) and I was so torn as to whether to bring it up or not… eventually she did see and he received needed help. But these lines are hard to navigate especially from outside the family.
I thought AmFam’s consultation with an EI was admirable, and smart — why not be armed with strategies that can help your child and you? I used to be an EI — there’s nothing to be afraid of; labels are just that — what’s important is that one be open, proactive and mindful, like the mom in the article mentioned.
Thanks for sharing,
e
AmFam’s post was outstanding – for L of course, but as an example to others. There is so much help available to parents for all kinds of issues – it’s counterintuitive that a parent wouldn’t take advantage of it.
Your friend who doesn’t want to stigmatize her child should drop into a special ed classroom real soon.
I was able to leap from “she’s different but we don’t want to label her” to “no, really, my child needs help and right now, not next year!” after one walk through the developmentally delayed preschool. I knew my child would never meet her potential in that system and began to seek treatment for her various differences immediately.
Of course, my kid had the good judgment to simply refuse to walk or talk until her attachment needs had been addressed. This took a lot of the guesswork out of identifying our issues. Not all children who have survived an insitutional setting as infants have the gift of persistence like my stubborn little girl, so your friend may need some outside input as well.