this woman’s work

When we first started thinking about open adoption we thought about in terms of our immediate family — the parents, the kids (including Noah). I didn’t really think about our extended families and I only considered their feelings in a general way like did they support us? Or did they not? I didn’t think that hard about what I was asking of them because I didn’t really know how a truly open adoption works.

As it turns out, open adoption asks a lot of our extended family because it forces them to deal with adoption in the same way that adopting transracially does — it disallows anyone from pretending like adopting is “just the same” as having a bio child. In a transracial adoption, proud grandparents have to learn to deal with comments from strangers, too. If they have pics in their wallet or their cubicle, they have to be prepared for questions the same way we parents do only they usually have a lot less training and research under their belts. In open adoption, they might not have even been on the same page as the hopeful adoptive parents. Given the generation gap (my own parents and inlaws are in their 60s), open adoption can seem pretty threatening. We’re dealing with decades of adoption assumptions, most of which have turned out to be (says the research) wrong. No wonder a lot of adoptive grandparents feel so challenged.

Our families were cautious at first. Their worries echoed the worries we hear all over the place — that Madison would be confused, that we would just be babysitters, that we were preventing Jessica from “moving on.” But as they’ve seen our relationship grow and develop and as they’ve fallen deeply in love with Madison, they have unequivocally embraced Jessica as a full member of our family.

As they have gotten to know Jessica, they have grown to love her. The enjoy hearing news about her and seeing the latest pictures, and they’re glad to see her on holidays. They like talking to people about open adoption and about Madison’s connection to Jessica.

This was the first time Jessica hosted a big family event and it would have been easy for anyone to make excuses but no one did. (The one person who had to be out of town — my dad — was genuinely sorry to miss it.) I’m glad that they came and Jessica put on such a great party — the food did not stop coming! And I’m glad they got to meet the wonderful Nate. And it’s another way for Madison to trust that her families are integrated and that she doesn’t have to choose anyone over anyone. I’m a little choked up just writing about it.

The party itself was happy chaos! Becca and her girls got the perfect birthday dress out to Madison — it arrived yesterday — and it was a showstopper! (Pictures forthcoming) I’m not exaggerating — everyone had to comment on the impressive party dress! Then there was food and music and a plethora of babies (three or four all about a year) and cousins and virtual cousins and did I mention the food? Every time a plate would empty, another would appear. It was like that magic goat-turned-to-table in that fairy tale Little One Eye, Little Two Eyes and Little Three Eyes! The never-ending buffet!

When she started opening presents Madison was already fraying. But when Madison frays, she gets wired so she happily performed for the cameras. There were two best parts for me — one when she opened her presents from her Grandpa Mike (Jessica’s dad) and yipped with joy to find a tie-dye outfit. (She loves tie-dye.) Then she stripped off her dress, which she’d already made a bit of a sodden mess by leaping into puddles, and put on her new outfit. Made for a nice photo op for Grandpa M! Then the next best part was when Jessica wheeled out her new bike because Madison screamed and hopped right onto it. It was definitely the hit of the party and now Madison can’t stop talking about it.

Man, it was great!

Now we’re all really really really tired (although Madison slept for ten minutes on the way home so she’s good for another five or six hours, god love her) and Jessica even said she’s willing to do it next year. Isn’t that freakin’ great??? I mean, if you’d told me at the beginning of all of this that I’d be a guest at my daughter’s birthday party at her “real” mother’s, it would have sent me running. But I’m telling any of you similarly afraid — it’s great. It really can be. I don’t think there’s any one way to do a wonderful adoption and I know that we’re all working from and towards totally different situations but if things trend towards openness and you have that chance, man, just leap for it. Talk about being part of something bigger, you know? I feel so lucky to be a part of this. And now I’m going to upload pics so stay tuned for my next entry.

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