Caught up, let down
Mar 27, 2007 Writing
Seems like I’ve been running so much that now I’m all caught up and don’t know what to do with myself. Yesterday I did seventy-million loads of laundry. I should be doing something creative but my brain forgot how.
Damn. I’m such an adrenaline junkie.
Once upon a time my old therapist said, “Why do you dig up people you don’t like? Why do you call people who drive you crazy? Why do you invite drama into your life?” And I thought about it and realized that a rush — even a bad rush — is addictive. It’s why I used to spend too much time fretting about email list flamewars back in the day. And it’s why I used to rewrite all of my college papers the night before. I’d spend the whole semester researching a topic and then two days before the paper was due, I’d say to hell with it and start a new one from scratch. I’ve learned to stop doing that but I still love tight deadlines. I write best under pressure.
The tension of “where will Brett be working in a week” is also grating on me. Worse for him though. He’s prone to psychosomatic illness when he’s stressed (he’ll deny it’s his brain doing it) and he was up all night coughing. I’m alternately sympathetic and exasperated with him about it. Like this, “Oh poor Brett! Do you want some tea?” to “My god! Lighten up! Let go, let god and quit wheezing!”
PinkPoppies asked (probably hypothetically) why I said I don’t deserve my nice husband and it’s because he’s nicer than I am. He’s Dan Connor to my Roseanne. He’s sympathetic and supportive and I’m whiny and temperamental. If I had an imaginary illness (and I do get headaches/earaches from grinding my teeth when stressed) he’s kind and gets me hot water bottles. He has yet to roll his eyes and tell me to get over it. Also Brett does not gossip and I’m rather prone to it. He does more cleaning than I even pretend to do. He’s apt to thank me for doing things he could take for granted and I’m apt to complain because he folded the socks incorrectly. He’s Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and I’m All About Eve (but not as classy, witty or alcoholic).
March 27th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
I have a $250K grant due Friday. I’ve known about it for 3 weeks. I’m still drafting, waiting for the procrastination rush to set in. So I’ve been obsessively surfing blogs for 2 days.
March 27th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Dawn, I’m suddenly wondering if we’re married to the same man! (Though mine is actually not that nice to everyone else–it’s sometimes just me–which sometimes makes me feel even less like I deserve him!)
March 27th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
I prefer to write with a tight deadline, as well. If only I could learn to do it well.
This post cracked me up. Especially the last line.
March 27th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
My responses to my husband when sick. I’m an angel of mercy for about five minutes, then my next question is, “Can you sleep on the sofa or do I have to move?”
Ah yes…the love, the sympathy that one develops in 22 years of marriage.
March 27th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Are we living parallel lives? I have BILLABLE work to do and am alternately reading a non-diet dieting book and your blog. I did spend the morning drafting a story that’s not due until Friday. Sometimes I get a little tired of the teeth grinding and manic screaming that comes when I’m TOO close to a deadline.
March 28th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Oh it was hypothetical and rhetorical and even for me, somewhat personal (looking at my life, not yours).
There’s a weird synchronicity as I have three major deadlines, heading into a conference call immeinently, and what am I doing? Reading your blog for inspiration and affirmation and enlightenment.
I SO deserve taking this time to read you!
Pink
As an aside, which one are you in AAE? There are days when I feel I channel them all. Got your seatbelt on?
March 28th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
“he’s nicer than I am. He’s Dan Connor to my Roseanne. He’s sympathetic and supportive and I’m whiny and temperamental”
OMG, this is SO Frank and I. SO much like us. WOW. I totally got when you said that he’s too nice for you and I thought that’s what you meant and that just reinforced it.
I do that stupid deadline thing too. Stupid. And am always asking myself why I’m like that. I get myself into trouble with it too, because the thing is, I’m not always just getting in under deadline but am sometimes even late. I’m my own worst enemy. My therapist said I do it because I have these negative tapes in my head from my family and especially from my first husband and then I do this stuff that reinforces how I’m just not good enough — see? I’m really NOT good enough. God, that was like a punch in the gut. But I think she’s right.
That’s a post in itself if I can write it. Crap.