this woman’s work

That’s because I spent my work time today responding to them some more. I’ve been offering guidance with mixed responses but sometimes I can’t help myself. But in the interest of fair play, I will tell you awful things I have done as a writer to show you that I am humble:

• Told editors I know their jobs better than they do. I did this by writing things like, “Your lack of breastfeeding coverage indicates that you are not aware of what an important health issue this is and your acceptance of formula advertising dollars shows you are a tool of the man.”
• Pitched wildly inappropriate stories. You know, like how people who take formula advertising dollars are a tool of the man to magazines with formula ads.
• Not bothered to read the magazine to which I am pitching. This puts a person in the embarrassing situation of pitching a story on pink shoes the very month that pink shoes are featured on the cover. “I will illuminate your readers about this Hot New Trend!” Or not.

I’m afraid one writer got pretty annoyed with my rejection with unsolicited advice but I was getting punchy. I shoulda been nicer, I’ll admit, but I’m still right. (One does not send an editor with whom they have not worked a dozen queries that are not fleshed out in any way shape or form but contain promises like, “This will be really funny!”) I mean, you could be Mark Twain and you’d still get rejected.

I used to think that editors were mean nasty people who cruelly force writers to twist themselves into formulaic knots just for kicks but the query structure is there to give you the best chance to actually get your work accepted. When you think of it that way, the formula makes sense. So you start with something marvelously compelling or convincing; you imitate the tone of the publication; you give some clues to how you’ll organize the thing (if a magazine loves “ten tips” you promise ten tips and give a few examples); you include the kind of expert you’ll use if the article (and magazine) demands experts and then you finish with what a fabulous fit you are. Why do you do it this way? Because the editor scans your piece, right? She’s a in a hurry and she’s got 720 (if she’s a real editor and not just a wee small editor like me) submissions sitting in her inbox not to mention edits on this piece and edits on that and her editor breathing down her neck about what’s going in the next issue so she’s going to read your pitch in a rush. You want to (in the order of the query):

• Pull her in right away;
• Let her relax into that familiar tone she’s always looking for;
• Let her know that you will not test her editing skills too much by showing her you know how the magazine organizes pieces like yours, uses experts, etc.;
• Finish up with a bit about yourself (hopefully with clips) so she can look a little further or at least see that other editors have already tested the waters.

That’s the point of the query.

I promise I’ll stop talking about this now.

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