Comments on: Shannon’s Mamaversary post (I had to take it here)

By: Dana

Dana — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 09:15:53 +0000

Thank you for this. I gave up my almost-three-year-old son to his grandparents because I couldn’t afford to keep him and didn’t want to go on welfare (and at that time I did not understand the changes that had taken place in the welfare system, so it’s just as well), and more recently I’ve been on the receiving end of some rather harsh judgment because I’m a poor mama again; a woman I’ve known online since the late nineties and who doesn’t like me so well anymore and has been trying to conceive (is now pregnant) said she didn’t understand how “someone like” me could conceive at the drop of a hat but someone stable like her had to take Clomid. There were almost nine years between my two children, but never mind that.

I had considered giving up this child as well, at least before she was born, because her father and I were having so many problems. One of the potential recipients on my short list guilt-tripped me because I ultimately decided that if I did give my daughter up it would be to my son’s grandparents to keep my children together. *Keeping my children together,* mind you, and this woman still felt entitled to judge me and guilt-trip me. Turns out she’s got so many health problems that in my opinion she’s not going to be able to keep up with an infant or a toddler anyway.

In both cases I would never have considered giving up my kids (and I did keep my daughter) if I’d had better financial means and social support. And it appalls me how entitled middle- and upper-class women feel to take the children of lower-class women. It’s pretty much turned me off to the idea of adoption as Great White Rescuer Of Women Of Little Means.

By: Margie

Margie — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 04:39:23 +0000

This is absolutely right, Dawn, as always, thanks for putting it into such clarity.

There are so many levels on which the work can take place, from the simple education of a friend or acquaintance, to lobbying on a national scale.

But I truly believe an awakening is needed. I don’t believe that society in general makes the connection between society’s devaluation of women and mothers and unjust adoption practices. How do to that eludes me, but I hope someone figures it out, because I think it would jump start the reform effort.

By: Jewess » Mommy-Blog Roundup: Unsupervised Teens, Book Recommendations, Hobbitts, Allergies

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 23:12:08 +0000

[...] Shannon muses on adoption reform. SephardiLady cannot believe that parents send their teenaged children away on unsupervised vacations. MotherInIsrael recommends her favorite books on parenting. Aliyah06 at BakaDiary thinks she might be raising a Hobbitt. Barbara downplays the inconvenience caused by her daughter’s allergies to milk protein. I will admit that as a mother of kids with some food allergies, I haven’t always been quite as blase about the inconvenience of the whole situtation. [...]

By: kim.kim

kim.kim — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 17:06:02 +0000

I would be ashamed to take a child from a mother who didn’t want to relinquish but was doing so because she felt she had no choice and it was based on financial reasons.

Nothing would make me take a child in that situation, I would rather give the mother money and help keep her family together.

Really there would be no other option would there?

By: PhoenixRising

PhoenixRising — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 20:48:39 +0000

It’s a hydra, and cutting off one head seems to give rise to three more, but that’s probably just my hopelessness talking. (In my state we’re still fighting for ANY regulation whatever of adoption advertising and the bill I helped write just got killed…what are women’s lives and health worth when we’re suggesting interference in free enterprise?)

Our first referral was a child who was due in 4 weeks, in a nearby metro area, whose mother didn’t have eligibility for more welfare benefits. When our homestudy case worker brought the file to a meeting, she said she was ashamed to work in a system that gave her such lousy options for this mom of two. (Which I think was appropriate, though not terribly helpful.) I was sick for a few days just reflecting on the reality that, for that mother, adoption wasn’t a first choice, or second or third–she just has no choices.

Speaking for myself, I was done with guilt after that. I’m willing to continue doing the futile in pursuit of the improbable, but damned if I’m going to feel more responsible than my neighbors for the many-headed beast…at least I know it’s out there, ravening away.