Comments on: Writing it out http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/02/02/writing-it-out/ writing, mothering, writing about mothering Sun, 07 Sep 2008 08:38:30 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: this woman’s work » Blog Archive » Jessica weighs in http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/02/02/writing-it-out/#comment-4155 this woman’s work » Blog Archive » Jessica weighs in Fri, 09 Feb 2007 03:31:50 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1151#comment-4155 [...] We talked tonight about answering questions about Madison’s adoption and she thinks being open is a good idea. Because, as she said, that’s Madison’s birth story. And we feel like the best we can do is model comfort talking about it and respect her boundaries as she grows old enough to share them with us. [...] [...] We talked tonight about answering questions about Madison’s adoption and she thinks being open is a good idea. Because, as she said, that’s Madison’s birth story. And we feel like the best we can do is model comfort talking about it and respect her boundaries as she grows old enough to share them with us. [...]

]]> By: Martin http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/02/02/writing-it-out/#comment-4154 Martin Wed, 07 Feb 2007 02:14:54 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1151#comment-4154 Well, clearly there are lots of approaches to this question, but in reading through all the comments - I think I may be the only adopted person to comment so far. My adoption in 1971 was not even close to open. To this day all I know about my birth parents is from the single sheet of yellow legal paper that had vague notes written on it about my mother on one side and my father on the other. Both were college educated (pretty sure that translates to "students") and came from "good families" (middle class kids whose parents intervened, to be sure). My mom didn't tell me I was adopted until I was 6 and she was pregnant with my sister. I really didn't get it for years. I mean I understood conceptually, but it was never discussed AT ALL and I would honestly forget. Plus, I look freakishly like my adoptive parents - which makes it easy to gloss over. At any rate, I would have loved to have grown up with my birth mom in my life. But my adoptive mom would never have been able to handle that. Way to 50's waspy uptight for that. It is a very slippery slope given that open adoption is still newish, and people are nosy and curious by nature. I wouldn't expect you'll ever find that magic bullet to bring people into your mindset, but as more people embrace open adoptions and know more families like yours - it will become less of a "curiousity." The way you are raising Madison is a little different from the norm maybe, but you handle it beautifully. Oh, and did I mention it's important? Because it is. Most adopted kids never know their birth moms, let alone have life-long relationships with them - which is exactly what you're doing for Madison. Well, clearly there are lots of approaches to this question, but in reading through all the comments - I think I may be the only adopted person to comment so far.

My adoption in 1971 was not even close to open. To this day all I know about my birth parents is from the single sheet of yellow legal paper that had vague notes written on it about my mother on one side and my father on the other. Both were college educated (pretty sure that translates to “students”) and came from “good families” (middle class kids whose parents intervened, to be sure).

My mom didn’t tell me I was adopted until I was 6 and she was pregnant with my sister. I really didn’t get it for years. I mean I understood conceptually, but it was never discussed AT ALL and I would honestly forget. Plus, I look freakishly like my adoptive parents - which makes it easy to gloss over.

At any rate, I would have loved to have grown up with my birth mom in my life. But my adoptive mom would never have been able to handle that. Way to 50’s waspy uptight for that.
It is a very slippery slope given that open adoption is still newish, and people are nosy and curious by nature. I wouldn’t expect you’ll ever find that magic bullet to bring people into your mindset, but as more people embrace open adoptions and know more families like yours - it will become less of a “curiousity.”

The way you are raising Madison is a little different from the norm maybe, but you handle it beautifully. Oh, and did I mention it’s important? Because it is. Most adopted kids never know their birth moms, let alone have life-long relationships with them - which is exactly what you’re doing for Madison.

]]> By: Melissa http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/02/02/writing-it-out/#comment-4153 Melissa Sun, 04 Feb 2007 04:25:54 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1151#comment-4153 Yeah, this is a tough one. I tend to be an open book about myself, and so have trouble knowing when I might be saying too much. I have read that it's the child's story, as you mention, and should be left for them to tell. But have felt, and even more so reading about your open adoption, that no, it's our family's story. We need to all agree on what we'll tell and what we won't. J is a part of our family, even though we haven't seen her sind B's birth, but we do hear from her and write to her. In that sense, it would be wierd to never mention her or talk about things she's said or that she sent that item, etc. But, at the same time, there are things that should be considered personal and, therefore, more guarded. I just struggle with where that line should be drawn. I guess that's what you're saying, too. Especially since B is getting older and listening more to what the adults are saying. But, he's still not old enough to have the conversation and express his own thoughts and feelings about the matter. But, perhaps our efforts at appropriately talking about his origins will help him as he grows to know how he wants to talk about it, himself. I'm not sure if I'm making clear sense, so I'll say goodnight. Thanks for another thought provoking post. Melissa Yeah, this is a tough one. I tend to be an open book about myself, and so have trouble knowing when I might be saying too much. I have read that it’s the child’s story, as you mention, and should be left for them to tell. But have felt, and even more so reading about your open adoption, that no, it’s our family’s story. We need to all agree on what we’ll tell and what we won’t. J is a part of our family, even though we haven’t seen her sind B’s birth, but we do hear from her and write to her. In that sense, it would be wierd to never mention her or talk about things she’s said or that she sent that item, etc. But, at the same time, there are things that should be considered personal and, therefore, more guarded. I just struggle with where that line should be drawn. I guess that’s what you’re saying, too. Especially since B is getting older and listening more to what the adults are saying. But, he’s still not old enough to have the conversation and express his own thoughts and feelings about the matter. But, perhaps our efforts at appropriately talking about his origins will help him as he grows to know how he wants to talk about it, himself.
I’m not sure if I’m making clear sense, so I’ll say goodnight. Thanks for another thought provoking post.
Melissa

]]> By: Julie http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/02/02/writing-it-out/#comment-4152 Julie Sat, 03 Feb 2007 16:38:44 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1151#comment-4152 I like the way you're able to go about talking to others about Madison's adoption--it sounds natural, which is what it should be. I know, I know...our children's stories belong to each of them, but as mothers we play a role in that story. With J, well, I don't know a lot. Because of his mother's wishes, his adoption is a closed one. I do know a little of his background and I do choose to share some of it in hopes that when he's old enough to understand he and those close to us will know how much his mother loved him. He's got one of those stories, though, that makes that obvious. I like the idea of handling his story in the way that I've chosen to because it doesn't leave room for any misunderstandings. We're proud of him and how he came to be, and he, I hope, will be to. If we chose to wait to let him tell his own story, that might not be so apparent. I like the way you’re able to go about talking to others about Madison’s adoption–it sounds natural, which is what it should be. I know, I know…our children’s stories belong to each of them, but as mothers we play a role in that story.

With J, well, I don’t know a lot. Because of his mother’s wishes, his adoption is a closed one. I do know a little of his background and I do choose to share some of it in hopes that when he’s old enough to understand he and those close to us will know how much his mother loved him.

He’s got one of those stories, though, that makes that obvious.

I like the idea of handling his story in the way that I’ve chosen to because it doesn’t leave room for any misunderstandings. We’re proud of him and how he came to be, and he, I hope, will be to. If we chose to wait to let him tell his own story, that might not be so apparent.

]]> By: Jenna http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/02/02/writing-it-out/#comment-4151 Jenna Sat, 03 Feb 2007 13:37:15 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1151#comment-4151 Blah. That's all I got. A straight up "blah." Not to you. To people who don't understand. I'm tired of being misunderstood. No. I'm tired of people not CARING that they misunderstand me. Blah. That’s all I got. A straight up “blah.” Not to you. To people who don’t understand.

I’m tired of being misunderstood. No. I’m tired of people not CARING that they misunderstand me.

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