Comments on: Looking back with new eyes http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/01/16/looking-back-with-new-eyes/ dawn friedman's blog Thu, 04 Dec 2008 03:55:47 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: Margie http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/01/16/looking-back-with-new-eyes/#comment-4004 Margie Mon, 22 Jan 2007 23:13:44 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1136#comment-4004 So well said. And you know, even in a case like our adoption, where the likelihood of meeting and reuniting and becoming extended family may not be very high, just THINKING about our children's families as our family has changed the way I view adoption. It has made thousands of Korean women real to me, has made the circumstances that led them to adoption something I'm responsible for addressing. Thanks for putting these thoughts into beautiful words. So well said. And you know, even in a case like our adoption, where the likelihood of meeting and reuniting and becoming extended family may not be very high, just THINKING about our children’s families as our family has changed the way I view adoption. It has made thousands of Korean women real to me, has made the circumstances that led them to adoption something I’m responsible for addressing.

Thanks for putting these thoughts into beautiful words.

]]> By: PhoenixRising http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/01/16/looking-back-with-new-eyes/#comment-4003 PhoenixRising Fri, 19 Jan 2007 19:41:26 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1136#comment-4003 <i>Or they say, “Oh but you're so GOOD to Jessica!” As if 1) I'm “good” to her only because I feel guilty; or 2) That treating her with the kindness and respect she deserves as a HUMAN BEING and MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER WE SHARE makes up for any of the injustice inherent to domestic infant adoption.</i> This is what gets me worst. When someone who has heard me talking about what we do in our child's birth country responds with some version of, You don't have any reason to feel guilty about saving your child from a terrible life! Which is not as different as it sounds--it's another version of the same happy-talk you get for being respectful toward Jessica, in which having the privilege to adopt makes us somehow entitled to parent our kids and therefore above taking note of where they came from. Because apparently raising my child is supposed to be my version of keeping the ethical contract...except that I wanted this kid, raising her is not a burden that absolves me of obligation or even reflection. And I just get steamed, and I don't know that it's even effective, to spell out that I don't feel guilt, I feel connection. And it's that connection, to people with whom I feel spiritual equality in the absence of any practical equality, that drives me to want their circumstances to be better. I think that same drive would be at work if we had taken the referral of a child who was SN domestic adoption--I'd be asking, seven years on, Why the hell can't a couple who are working but extremely poor afford to get their baby's medical conditions addressed? Isn't that wrong, regardless of the fact that I got the World's Cutest Baby out of the deal? Or they say, “Oh but you’re so GOOD to Jessica!” As if 1) I’m “good” to her only because I feel guilty; or 2) That treating her with the kindness and respect she deserves as a HUMAN BEING and MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER WE SHARE makes up for any of the injustice inherent to domestic infant adoption.

This is what gets me worst. When someone who has heard me talking about what we do in our child’s birth country responds with some version of, You don’t have any reason to feel guilty about saving your child from a terrible life!

Which is not as different as it sounds–it’s another version of the same happy-talk you get for being respectful toward Jessica, in which having the privilege to adopt makes us somehow entitled to parent our kids and therefore above taking note of where they came from. Because apparently raising my child is supposed to be my version of keeping the ethical contract…except that I wanted this kid, raising her is not a burden that absolves me of obligation or even reflection.

And I just get steamed, and I don’t know that it’s even effective, to spell out that I don’t feel guilt, I feel connection. And it’s that connection, to people with whom I feel spiritual equality in the absence of any practical equality, that drives me to want their circumstances to be better.

I think that same drive would be at work if we had taken the referral of a child who was SN domestic adoption–I’d be asking, seven years on, Why the hell can’t a couple who are working but extremely poor afford to get their baby’s medical conditions addressed? Isn’t that wrong, regardless of the fact that I got the World’s Cutest Baby out of the deal?

]]> By: Erin O' http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/01/16/looking-back-with-new-eyes/#comment-4002 Erin O' Fri, 19 Jan 2007 01:22:57 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1136#comment-4002 Dawn, I love what you wrote about guilt. It is a selfish emotion, and ultimately unproductive. I was raised to self-flagellate (metaphor!), and the waste of time it has caused in my own life is a shame. Oh my god! I'm feeling guilty about feeling guilty! As we're adopting internationally, the possible guilt could spiral out of control (considering the numerous global inequities). But it won't do our kids any good, nor their first families, nor us. We'll try to be proactive in facing the uncomfortable questions and feelings we'll all encounter -- from others and from one another. Thanks, yet again, for writing so eloquently about your family. It's exciting to hear about the lifetime of exploration and discovery ahead, and to imagine that our family can experience something similarly wonderful and yes, complicated, but ultimately incredible. e Dawn,
I love what you wrote about guilt. It is a selfish emotion, and ultimately unproductive. I was raised to self-flagellate (metaphor!), and the waste of time it has caused in my own life is a shame. Oh my god! I’m feeling guilty about feeling guilty!

As we’re adopting internationally, the possible guilt could spiral out of control (considering the numerous global inequities). But it won’t do our kids any good, nor their first families, nor us. We’ll try to be proactive in facing the uncomfortable questions and feelings we’ll all encounter — from others and from one another. Thanks, yet again, for writing so eloquently about your family. It’s exciting to hear about the lifetime of exploration and discovery ahead, and to imagine that our family can experience something similarly wonderful and yes, complicated, but ultimately incredible.

e

]]> By: Susan http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/01/16/looking-back-with-new-eyes/#comment-4001 Susan Thu, 18 Jan 2007 16:18:12 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1136#comment-4001 Dawn, I've read and re-read your post several times and each time I am so blown away by how thoughtful, generous and sensitive you are. Recently I've been involved in several adoptions, from a facilitator standpoint, and each one of them has broken my heart. And some of them were situations that might have been different with different laws, but most of them are just people doing what they do, out of fear or shame or denial or greed or whatever. (I know I am being SUPER vague here, but unfortunately I can't say more) And I stand to the side, really not able to do anything, just witness things that I know are not going to be ultimately good for the parties involved. Sigh. I do believe in adoption reform, but beyond that, there is human behavior, and what people do even within good legal guidelines. Dawn, I’ve read and re-read your post several times and each time I am so blown away by how thoughtful, generous and sensitive you are.
Recently I’ve been involved in several adoptions, from a facilitator standpoint, and each one of them has broken my heart. And some of them were situations that might have been different with different laws, but most of them are just people doing what they do, out of fear or shame or denial or greed or whatever. (I know I am being SUPER vague here, but unfortunately I can’t say more) And I stand to the side, really not able to do anything, just witness things that I know are not going to be ultimately good for the parties involved. Sigh.
I do believe in adoption reform, but beyond that, there is human behavior, and what people do even within good legal guidelines.

]]> By: dawn http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/01/16/looking-back-with-new-eyes/#comment-4000 dawn Thu, 18 Jan 2007 02:10:37 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/?p=1136#comment-4000 Yes! Phoenix! Thank you thank you! And people want me to SHUT UP and they say, "Oh you're just feeling guilty!" Like it doesn't matter if I'm only saying it out of guilt! Or they say, "Oh but you're so GOOD to Jessica!" As if 1) I'm "good" to her only because I feel guilty; or 2) That treating her with the kindness and respect she deserves as a HUMAN BEING and MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER WE SHARE makes up for any of the injustice inherent to domestic infant adoption. Also, I wanted to add (not related to your comment or any of the comments here) that I do not speak for Jessica (obviously) and any feelings she has around the adoption are separate (obviously) from the feelings *I* have around the adoption although of course I am always deeply impacted by what she shares with me and grateful that she lets me in even when it'd be easier not to. Yes! Phoenix! Thank you thank you! And people want me to SHUT UP and they say, “Oh you’re just feeling guilty!” Like it doesn’t matter if I’m only saying it out of guilt! Or they say, “Oh but you’re so GOOD to Jessica!” As if 1) I’m “good” to her only because I feel guilty; or 2) That treating her with the kindness and respect she deserves as a HUMAN BEING and MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER WE SHARE makes up for any of the injustice inherent to domestic infant adoption.

Also, I wanted to add (not related to your comment or any of the comments here) that I do not speak for Jessica (obviously) and any feelings she has around the adoption are separate (obviously) from the feelings *I* have around the adoption although of course I am always deeply impacted by what she shares with me and grateful that she lets me in even when it’d be easier not to.

]]>