Madison *is* awfully smart
Jan 2, 2007 Adoption
All of her adoption processing, I expected it later — say around four. (She asked if Jessica’s boyfriend was her birth daddy the other day — I didn’t expect her to figure out birth daddy for awhile yet.) It makes it hard to know exactly what to say sometimes. Her little mind is so quick and her language skills are out of this world but still, she’s two (well, actually two and three-quarters) and it’s difficult to know what’s developmentally appropriate for her. So I take her lead, I take it slow, and I watch her carefully.
Yesterday she had a long talk with me where she was trying on all of these ideas, “You’re my birth mommy? No, Jessica is my birth mommy!” then “What does that mean?”
You can see where I’d need to think for a minute. When she asks, “What does that mean?” I’m not sure what she’s asking. Then through some more questions (from me and from her) I realized that what she was asking was about Jessica’s role now. What she wanted was to hear was very concrete: Madison lives with us but she does not live with Jessica. Sometimes she goes to Jessica’s house and Jessica makes her lunch. But this is a visit. Then she comes home. She lives here.
She found this repetition all very satisfying. You know kids are like that — they want you to tell them things they already know so that they can feel secure in knowing it. Like, “Today you woke up and ate breakfast. You had toast with jam. You threw the crusts away. Then we went to the park and you went down the big slide two times and the little slide many times.” It makes them smile and squirm contentedly. This is what Madison was doing. So then she would ask with a smile, “Jessica lives here?” And I’d say, “No, Jessica lives at her house and she comes to visit.” “And she is my birth mommy?” “Yes, because you grew in her uterus and she took care of you while you were in her uterus and then when you were born you came to live with us and that is called adopted.” (I’m writing this down both for my own baby book recording but also because I know that I’m curious about the language other families use so thought I’d share ours.)
She’s not confused the way people worry kids will be confused but she is curious and she does like talking about it. I think the limits of our language do make it hard because the word “mommy” has very specific connotations for her and so she is working out other ways of being “mommy.”
I am always kind of relieved when my kids bring up things that can be hard to talk about (sex, drugs, rock and roll, adoption) because it makes me feel good to know that they feel ok to talk about it and also because it’s very satisfying to work it out with them. It’s easier than wondering if I’m handling it right in the absence of their own conversation, you know? I’m proud of Madison and I’m glad to see her making sense of things. I think it will make it all easier as we go.
Like I said, I was surprised she asked about her birth father already but am glad that she introduced the topic herself since it wasn’t something I was sure about how to bring up since he’s not at all a part of her life. I didn’t want her to someday go, “Wait a second!! Where’s the other party in this deal???” Jessica and I had just talked about the language we agreed we’d use around that and so I had it ready then I emailed Jessica to give her a heads up.
Right now Madison is very upset because the Scooby Doo vitamins Noah picked out are all gone. This is her big drama for today.
January 2nd, 2007 at 4:40 pm
That’s right about the time R. started asking a lot of questions, too. We knew she was too young to really understand the meaning of everything, and even today at 7, there are still things she doesn’t really understand, even tho’ she can parrot back all the language about China Mom and China Dad and adoption and who is the birth mommy v. the adopted/forever mommy. I just try to take it all a day at a time. Right now we’re struggling with her desire to understand why she will probably never be able to meet her birth parents. How do you even begin to have that make sense to a first-grader?
January 2nd, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Dawn, please don’t ever take the blog down, or if you do, write a book. It is so helpful to be able to read how you deal with things (even though in my case, adoption is probably not going to happen, but there’s always a chance.)
January 2nd, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Oh, and does Madison let you get away with “two” instead of “two and three quarters”? When do they figure out the fractions anyway? (I realized that I still say my brother is 2 years and nine months younger, when at our ages, “three years younger” is probably quite accurate enough!)
January 2nd, 2007 at 5:13 pm
She’s just got a handle on two. I can’t remember when Noah started adding half to his age — anyone else out there, can you remember when your kids started getting specific? — but he doesn’t add half anymore.
Actually when people ask Madison how old she is, she’s as likely to say nine because Noah is nine (but will be ten at the end of this month!) as she is to say two.
January 2nd, 2007 at 8:48 pm
The half is definitely important now at 4 and a half; I think Curious Girl talked about being three and a half but wasn’t so attached to it.
I have also been blown away by her questions about adoption. Like you, I’ve been pleased by her willingness to bring up adoption (or death) and other complicated or scary (in her mind) topics, since it lets me know she’s a) thinking and b) wanting dialogue about it.
I see a lot of this talk as giving them info they don’t understand so that when they are ready to understand it, it’ll be there. In a way I want CG to always know info, so she doesn’t wonder so much “why didn’t you ever tell me that?”
January 2nd, 2007 at 11:50 pm
Birth, adoption, families and death are big big topics in our household right now, and have been for the past year (Ping will be four on Friday). Well, not death. Death is a brand spanking new subject. I am amazed, awed, and humbled at how our children process these issues, and honored to help my daughter find answers.
January 3rd, 2007 at 1:16 am
Yes, the Munchkin asked if Josh was her “daddy” since I was her “mommy” and Nick was her brother. (Just last month.) So we had to explain that Josh is Nick’s Daddy and I’m Nick’s Mommy and her Birth Mom but Josh isn’t her birth dad. She just said, “Okay.” LOL.
I was going to say something more right here….
Oh well. Glad to see another family going at it in a similar way. Glad to hear the stories.
January 3rd, 2007 at 10:25 pm
Liam (who is four and three-quarters) started the fractions at three and a half. But then when he had a birthday he thought he’d go straight to four and a half, LOL!
Death has been becoming a big topic in our house over recent months. When will we die? Will we be dead by then? Will we all die together? I hope we all die together; will you still be my mummy after we die? And recently (and I don’t know where this came from, just something he figured out I guess) Grandpop will die soon, won’t he? (Grandpop is about to turn 90). And then yesterday “Am I as old as Grandpop?” Which I assumed was looking for the asurrance that he (Liam) will not die soon.
January 3rd, 2007 at 10:29 pm
Noah’s serious questions phase started at four, too. I remember because it was in our (then) new house that he started asking about death/birth, etc.
January 6th, 2007 at 12:46 am
Thanks for writing about your conversations with your daughter in such detail. Very helpful for those of us (me) worrying about future conversations with future children.
e