Birth mamas
They are cropping up everywhere at our house. Yesterday Madison announced, “I’m Baby Baby’s mommy mommy. She has a birth mommy, too.”
“Just like you,” I said.
“Yes, Jessica is her birth mommy, too!”
Then today while she was coloring, “This [marker] is the birth mommy and this one is the mommy mommy and this one is the baby!”
I’ll tell you why this came up. When Jessica came over last time Madison had a great time with her and was very sorry when it was time for her to go.
“Don’t go, mommy!” she said, and she meant Jessica. But then she got shy and hid behind me and pretended she meant me. “Don’t go, mommy!” she said again, this time pulling on the leg of my pants. So later I wanted to make a point of saying that it was ok for her to call Jessica mommy, too. She can call Jessica whatever she wants (only don’t call her late for dinner — haha!) and whatever Jessica wants to be called.
Anyway, I said, “I heard you call Jessica mommy today and that makes sense because you have two mommies, don’t you?”
“You are my mommy mama and Jessica is my birth mama,” she agreed.
“Some kids have one mommy, some kids have two and some kids have more. I know one little girl who has three mommies. Families are all different.”
End of story except that now even the markers have many mamas.
I won’t say this is easy. You hear your kid call another woman “mommy” and there’s a wince to it, no doubt. Especially when she is also mommy. But you know, Jessica hears it all the time and it doesn’t keep her from coming around and being a part of Madison’s life so I’ll keep her as my inspiration.
I wanted to say that part about it not being easy because it’s not easy. And it’s ok for it not to be easy — it’s ok to wince. But it also feels good to know that Madison is growing up in all of this love and that she’s clearly getting the message that it’s normal to be adopted and to have two (or more) mommies and that any wincing by the grown-ups is done behind closed doors (or only on-blog).
And here in the house of many mothers, we are re-watching High School Musical at Noah’s request and eating chocolate chip cookies made by Brett in honor of the new year. See you all in 2007!
makes me all choked up.
what a story all around. we are big on mamas here, too: real, imaginary. playing mama herself, playing baby, playing big sister seems to be a way for her to work out different narratives. pretty amazing to see what can go on in a little head, isn’t it?
Munchkin pulled this out on us recently. We were both kind of shocked but in a good way. She understands more than we get, I think. It’s good.
Mallory has never called Noelle “mom” to my knowledge. But there have been a couple of times that others called her mom to Mallory “you look just like your mother” kind of things. Early on ( the first five years probably) my cheeks would flush and I would feel very awkward, and I would pretend nothing had been said. It got easier. It doesn’t even phase me now. Real mother doesn’t even phase me. I commonly refer to Mason’s mom as his first mother or other mother (rather than just her given name as I did with Noelle).
It’s so complicated yet so simple at the same time. For all of us mothers- birth, first, adoptive. It’s beautiful that Madison can grasp so much of it so early.
i believe you had said that jessica has recently started reading your blog. just wondering if shes expressed any thoughts about it.
Now that she’s reading my blog, she can speak up herself if she chooses to.
I love that you acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings, but then allow that you have a choice. I also love that you recognize Jessica’s point of view, and use that for inspiration.
Madison is lucky to have so many mamas (and so are her markers.)
I love the way Jessica is so committed to Madison and is such a Mama Bear. I love the way you are committed to Madison too and face all those things that other people can’t or won’t.
You are really special Dawn.
Madison is a wonderful girl and she has two wonderful mothers. Yes she does.
I like the idea of all of the markers having so many mamas.
It sounds like Madison is understanding lots and then trying it on for size with her dolls and markers. As a pre-k teacher and future adoptive mama, I say, Hurrah!
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Madison is so smart I can’t believe it.
Reading you makes me slightly jealous in an irrational sort of way. I’ll never get to experience adoption (husband won’t go for it, having three kids already), and I can see it would be good for me. Really. Such potential for personal growth. Makes one look all that possessiveness towards one’s kids (which is as common as mud but just as unattractive) straight in the face from day one and struggle to become a better person.
Both you and Jessica are setting a great example for all mothers, adoptive or not.
“But you know, Jessica hears it all the time and it doesn’t keep her from coming around and being a part of Madison’s life so I’ll keep her as my inspiration.”
Wow. Crazy insightful even though it’s so simple to think about it that way.
[...] and Madison said, “Mommy!” then got shy and embarrassed. And she did what she did before, which is to rapidly try to cover and pretend like she was talking about [...]