Comments on: “I’m adopted and I think open adoption…”

By: wavybrains

wavybrains — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 22:35:28 +0000

I’ve had several adult adoptees tell me that they would not have wanted their adoption to be open. I’ve even had two go so far as to counsel me against seeking an open adoption. I take this counsel in context: 1) they feel an intense need to validate their own situation and the actions of their parents (both sets), 2) digging deeper, they both revealed that they didn’t think their adoptive parents could have “handled” it and that they were always on edge about their adoptive parents’ feelings about the adoption anyway and this would have been another burden for them, 3) they have a negative view of open adoption–assuming that they would have been pulled between two sets of parents, been confused over who was mom, and that they would not have securely bonded to their adoptive parents. These are all really valid concerns and opinions, BUT they are shaped by 20-30 years of politics and family dynamics. I really sympathize with the adult adoptees who have a negative view of open adoption, but I don’t use it as ammunition to discredit open adoption NOW in the year 2006, in my (or any other) situation. I do think (2) and (3) need further examination by those professionals doing open adoption research and writing. These reactions may give clues for more secure attachment in ANY form of adoption.

By: cherylc

cherylc — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 20:07:11 +0000

I have a friend who has three adopted siblings (she is not adopted, her siblings are adopted from foster care). Anyway, her sister has had serious mental health issues that have also affected other members of her bio family. The sister is having a child in a couple of months and says she is placing it for adoption. My friend says that she thinks closed adoption is better, because she fears that no one would want the baby if they knew it’s biological history. (I think, too, since the adoptions in her family were closed by necessity, she is more comfortable with that model.) I don’t agree with this; I think full disclosure is best. As shocked as I was about her opinion, it did make me think. If the a-parents don’t know the sister’s history, might that be better because they wouldn’t always be scanning for problems? Can the expectation of mental illness affect its onset somehow? I don’t know, of course. I think it’s more likely that if a problem were to develop the a-parents might miss it at first, and it’s better to know.

I do hope this woman places her child for adoption. In this case, it seems very likely that she cannot parent, even with support. But then again, what do I know? It’s hard to predict how someone will react to being a parent.

By: shannon

shannon — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 16:41:58 +0000

Kim.Kim.

I didn’t say open adoption was like a marriage. I said unusual family models are not confusing to children just because they are confusing to adults.

And no, actually the vast majority of same-sex parents in the U.S. do not both have legal rights. In fact, quite the opposite.

And I am not using “queer” in the sense you seem to be reading it. “Queer” has a complex new meaning that has been evolving for the past 20 years and I meant it in a way that I guess you are unfamiliar with.

Also, I fail to see where you are getting that I think Jessica has no pain. I didn’t say anything about Jessica’s feelings.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 05:09:14 +0000

What I admire most about you, Dawn, is the prevailing attitude of “I can feel anyway I want, but feelings don’t get a vote in my actions”. You’ve demonstrated this amply over time in Madison’s adoption.

I firmly believe the world would be a much better place if only more people operated by the same parameters. Hats off.

By: kim.kim

kim.kim — Sun, 29 Oct 2006 09:43:37 +0000

Shannon you confuse your situation with open adoption and two mothers. It’s nothing like a marriage because the power balance is not equal. It’s only equal in as far as Dawn allows it to be.

Jessica has no legal rights over Madison. In a same sex couple the other one can adopt the child. In adoption, the natural mother has signed a document saying she has no parental rights.

In a same sex relationship you don’t have the stigma about having given your child away, you don’t have people asking you why you can’t raise your child yourself.

In a same sex couple you are not dealing with grief of separation, guilt about not having been able to provide for your child yourself and with having to not be the recognized mother.

You can’t compare being an adoptive mother to being a mother who lost her child to adoption.

People just want to assume that because Dawn is nice to Jessica that she suffered no grief and no loss. Go and read the archives ladies. Thank God she lost her daughter to Dawn and not some “forever mommy” type.

I have no problem with this kind of adoption and I don’t see it as queer.

Since when did being a decent human being and doing the right thing become queer.

What is queer is closed adoption, now that’s weird. Where is my mother? We don’t know honey, I am your mother now.