Answering a question
KimKim asked, “Did you not want to explain the situation to the photographer? I think it would have been good advertising for open adoption, he might have a friend or relative who is adopting and all freaked out about open adoption.”
I leave that for Jessica to decide when we’re all together. She and I have talked about this before and usually Jessica will leave it up to people to figure out. Like she’ll introduce me as “my daughter’s mother.” But Jessica and Madison look so so much alike that I think people must be able to do the math — then again, they might think that they’re sisters.
The way I figure it, Jessica has more fall-out to deal with if we share our adoption story when we’re out and about and so until Madison has a say, when we’re all somewhere together, I’ll leave it to Jessica to make the decision. Likewise, I don’t correct people when it doesn’t matter. If it wouldn’t have been confusing to Madison to hear the photographer refer to Jessica and Nate as “your mom and dad” I wouldn’t have said anything and likely Jessica wouldn’t have either. (When other people do this — say waiters or salespeople — we roll with it.)
When we were traveling to Tacoma, we joked that people would probably think we were lesbian moms because Madison is a carbon-copy of Jessica but she is clearly clingy with me. Now with Nate along, it just makes everyone more confused. But like I said, I think we both forget to think of it.
I can’t find the other entries (I just looked) where I could show how this has evolved. The first time we all five (Brett, me, Jessica, both kids) went out together, we were all (well, not the kids) very self-conscious and worried that we would all reach for the salt at the same time. Jessica was careful not to tread on my toes, I was afraid of treading on hers — it was hard. But now we forget to think about it until an outsider brings it up. Now it doesn’t make for an awkward silence when a waiter says, “And do you want to sit next to your mommy?” to Madison, indicating the chair next to Jessica. There was a time when one of us would try to explain, “Uhh, actually…” but now we just take care of our own seating arrangements and smile nicely at the waiter.
The last time we tried to get photos (again, I can’t find the entry but I have the sinking feeling it got lost in my drupal fiasco) we went to Target and the photographer was rude. She kept referring to Jessica as “mommy” even after being corrected and that just confused Madison and made it harder. Then the photographer wanted to figure out who Noah was. Finally at the end of it all (we never did get pictures) she said to Jessica’s best friend (who is white), “And how do you fit in here?” and S said, “I’m her [indicating Jessica] sister.” Heh.
I just wanted to say hello and that I’m glad that things with Jessica have gone from awkward to so comfortable. It is sensitive and thoughtful of you to let her decide whether to explain your relationships with each other when you all are out and about.
I used to look at Noelle in public situations and try to gauge her comfort with how open we were. Then gradually, over time we both began to look at Apple for direction. Apple ALWAYS steps right up to the situation and explains Noelle’s relation.
I think for her that it’s just taken for granted because it’s her only experience. Noelle and I both know that it can sometimes be awkward.
With a stranger, it’s often simpler to just smile and nod heads.
I think you handled it perfectly. I am like you– I forget that on the outside our family may look confusing. To us it is just our family. I used to try to do the explanation thing, but I am much happier letting people think whatever they want to think. It is more fun that way anyway.
I seriously doubt people would think Jessica and Madison are sisters. Jessica looks at her like a mother looks at her daughter, they are obviously mother and daughter.
Those kind of photographers aren’t properly human anyway, we all know that, they are like coach drivers or police officers, you never feel like you are talking to real people.
I just think if everyone is awkward or not saying anything about adoption doesn’t it make it seem like there is something wrong for Madison?
When we had a photo taken back when I had a family, the photographer kept calling my aunt “mum” and she kept saying “Leonie” back to him but he ignored her.
I only ask because I really don’t know and am wanting to. Open adoption is still a very foreign concept to me.
And I really hope it never sounds like I think you are less than fabulous because that goes without saying.
Jessica’s best friend is WAY cool, lol!