I like this post a lot
Knocked Up…Knocked Down: The question of adoption and race
You know, it’s not necessarily a sign of moral superiority to be “willing” to adopt transracially or transculturally. In fact, I’d say sometimes it’s a sign of moral superiority not to be.
(I’ll add here that I was really naive at the front of all this. Not that I would do anything differently, just that I was pretty naive.)
What a great entry!
I, on the other hand, knew exactly what I was getting into and this caused a lot of angst in the beginning.
Interestingly enough, I’m (or was since we are on the road!) surrounded by “diversity” - friendships, family, and the area we lived in so it really would not have been much of a stretch for us. We wouldn’t have had to move anywhere, or find “black” friends, or even make much of an effort…YET, I was a mess of anxiety and worry when we adopted Ky because I knew just how damn hard and awkward it was going to be at times. I knew exactly the kind of life we would all have as a family that didn’t match (and spoke Spanish to boot…really confuses people for some reason!LOL)and I was scared. There…I admit it…I was scared that I would not be able to fill in all the holes, or bring her up as a strong black woman child with strong ties to her heritage.
It simply was not something we chose. Heck, we had stopped taking in kids completely and the reason she came into our lives was due to a social worker that was a friend and desperately needed me to pick her up (bad placement…her third!
) so the whole time I was reluctant and thinking “she’ll go back to her mom soon” - but we fell in love…simple as that (I loved her from the day I saw her but guarded my heart) so when it looked like things weren’t going to work out we were upfront w/ everyone (Including both natural parents) and said we’ll put in for adoptiong because we weren’t going to run the risk that someone in the fost/adopt program would get her and then we would ALL lose her.
So there we were and here we are…a transracial family w/out really “seeking” it.
I’m extremely lucky/blessed in that I can point to so and so (friends and family) and say “see, they don’t match either but they are still a family” so this is more “normal” for us but still…it is hard on the day to day. Specially now that we are seeing so much of the country. We get strange looks from all sides (white, black, hispanic, asian, etc.) and if our personalities (I’m willfull, stubborn, not shy and my husband simply doesn’t care what other people think/say) weren’t what they were I don’t think I’d be able to stand it. We get curious looks for the most part but at times they are hostile.
I agree w/ you that “sometimes it is a sign of moral superiority not to be” - I really do think that people need to do what they are comfortable with when it comes to a transracial adoption because darn it…it is NOT easy. There are days I wouldn’t mind “turning it off” but this is not an option so we “deal”
There are times I talk about it w/ others and people think I’m putting a negative spin on it but is not that…I’m proud and love our little family but I want others to make sure that they are able to deal with what comes along with it - we are up and in your face 24/7 and we don’t ever blend.
I’m not sure that I would have ever made this choice had it not been made for me…I’m somewhat ashamed to admit this but it’s the truth…it would have been so much easier for all of us to have a white looking hispanic kid!LOL And maybe that is what we would have done (although I suspect we would just have been childless)…who knows! This is why I think it takes a lot of strength and character to know what is right for you when it comes to an adoption.
Sorry to have hijacked the comments section!
i was wondering if you could elaborate on your comments as to how you feel you were naive.
Hi, Dawn. Thanks for the link and the kind comments!
I’ve not met adoptive parents who felt themselves morally superior because they adopted transracially or transculturally, but I have met many who have communicated their superiority because they did a domestic adoption not an international adoption. it’s pretty common imho