Leaving on a jetplane
Oct 7, 2006 Parenting, Writing
I’m having a dilemma.
Do I bring the family to the Nieman Conference or don’t I? Will I have more fun being wild and free but guilt-ridden? Or more fun being hemmed in by family but assured that Madison is not missing me?
Jessica says, “Oh my god! You spend every waking moment with those kids! You deserve a break! Go alone!”
Brett says, “It would certainly help the budget if you went alone but I support whatever decision you make.”
AmericanFamily says, “Are you kidding me?”
Becca (nailing it) says, “I think you will have a better time without them IF you don’t spend the whole time feeling bad about it and missing Madison. If you are going to be miserable without them, bring them.”
Noah says, “Please leave us here so we can eat all the junk food Daddy is going to buy us!” (Really — that’s what he said.)
Madison says, “What’s this called? A pickle? I want my nose wiped!”
I would never have left Noah at 2.5. Never ever ever. Of course Madison is not Noah — Noah couldn’t breathe if I was away for more than two hours. Then again Madison is adopted and maybe she needs me more even if she pretends she’s just fine. Then again Noah wasn’t as bonded to Daddy as Madison is.
Ugh.
It’s three days! And two nights!
Of course, it might be less traumatic for Madison to miss me for two nights (because she’s often so busy running around with Daddy that she only has time to flash me a smile and demand I take her ponytails out now on weekends anyhow) then to be busy in a city where nothing is familiar. I gotta remember that she’s got Daddy here and it’s not like leaving her with — I don’t know — a stranger.
Being more of a Noah, I can remember my mom going on vacation without me when I was about five. I felt:
- abandoned
- alone
- forgotten
- broken-hearted
- resentful
- miserable.
But (again like Noah) I was the kind of kid who would go into the bathroom to watch myself cry and think, “Wow, I am sad! Poor me! Let me think of all the ways I am unloved!” I would be smitten with my own sadness the way other kids might be infatuated with a new toy.
Madison is not like that.
But what if she’s just less in touch with her feelings??? What if she would actually be miserable, suffering, grief-stricken only wouldn’t have the words to say??? Who am I kidding — she’s in touch with her feelings, she’s just not obsessed with them.
I’m leaning towards going alone. But I had nightmares about it last night (and the night before). If I had the time, I would go into the bathroom to watch myself worry. “I am concerned! Look at how concerned I am!”
I know some of you are going to write and tell me it’s ok and I should go (because that’s what everyone in real life is telling me) but that won’t necessarily make me feel better about it because I’m just all neurotic and stuff. And any given minute I’ll just assume that everyone else is cold and unfeeling instead of thoughtful and reasonable. Brett is going to have his hands full until he puts me on that plane, lemme tell you! But I’m leaning — hard — to going alone.
Oh my god. ALONE! A cool, clean bed devoid of cracker crumbs! Adult discussion without interruption! The ability to say, “Oh sure, I can go get a coffee. Let me just grab my bag.”
I’m going to be jittery and wired from all the socializing anyway, being an introvert. Sleep will be hard enough coming down off of that without worrying that Madison is going to fall out of the bed. (I don’t sleep well in hotel rooms with the kids because without Brett on the other side — he sleeps in the other bed with Noah — to hem her in, I’m afraid she’ll crack her head open on the side table or get wedged against the wall.)
Of course, I’m going alone! It would be supremely idiotic not to!
(Brett said, “Will it be better if you call us a lot?” Oh god no. It’ll be worse. I can’t hear her little angelic voice!)
AmericanFamily said to buy a wee little (i.e. cheap) gift for the kids for the two mornings when they wake up and I’m not there so they can see that I did NOT abandon them but also because then they can see how time is passing. (As if Noah needs it but he’ll be in the bathroom watching himself cry if he doesn’t get one, too.) So that’s a good tip. I could use more. (hint hint) But don’t let the tips be like, “Dear god, Dawn! Get a grip!” What are you, my mother? Besides I’ll be calling said mother for a verbal slap (you know, like the give to hysterics) later today. Of course, she is the woman who wantonly went off to a conference without me after five years of full-time motherhood (half of those years parenting three kids under five with a spouse who travled for weeks of a time). Like bringing me along wouldn’t be restful! Sheesh. She could have left Erica and Justin — they were the ones who sucked up all her energy. I — I’m sure — was a delight of a child! A little self-obsessed and moody, perhaps, but a delight!
(Do you think maybe Brett is trying to get me on that plane alone so he can get a break from me? Perish the thought!)
addendum: Thank you for your comments below! I am definitely going to go. I have to especially thank Susan for giving me her perspective as an adoptee, a writer and a mother! And my mom, sure enough, laughed at me (gently) and said I always have taken things too hard.
October 7th, 2006 at 2:13 pm
Dawn, I think you should go. I really do. But only if you are able to get to a place where you feel like it is a good thing for both you and the rest of your family, and NOT that you are damaging them in any way. I think it could be a real GIFT to your kids (and to Brett) for you to leave and for them to not only survive, but thrive; to allow their relationship to shift in a different way. To show them that (yeah, it’s a hard truth!) that MOM does NOT have to be the Center of their Universe, but that Dad can take that place and wow, be a different kind of Center for them.
I feel really strongly that the greatest gift we can give our kids is love and independence, and a strength in themselves and a knowledge that lots of people love them. Madison will have a wonderful big brother and a great dad for those three days. I think that often dads get ignored or taken for granted, but if Mom leaves, then suddenly the dad gets to shine.
I started going away for overnight, 24 hour writing retreats when my eldest was 18 months old. Then later it stretched to a few days, then a week and then a month, when they were five and nine years old. It truly was a transformative thing for our family. My husband WAS glad for me to step out of the way, because it gave him a chance to show his own competence, and that he had things to offer that really weren’t noticed or needed, really, when I was around. Sure, we all missed each other a LOT, but I never felt an ounce of GUILT because I knew they were in loving hands.
I think it is more damaging to let kids feel that they can’t emotionally survive without their mother, when they have other fully loving parents or adults around. Madison sounds like such a strong, spunky and solid kid, and I bet she will revel in the special time with her special guys.
But having said all that, I think if you are going to be miserable, and guilty, you will definitely pass that feeling onto your family and they will sense that something is wrong. In which case I think that it’s not the right time to do this yet. If you can go, and feel GOOD about it, then go.
And BTW, re your feelings of your mom going away when you were five and having all those awful feelings; I think it was because she waited TOO LONG and so you were so not used to it, especially if she was a full time SAHM; also, who was taking care of you and looking out for you when she was gone? It sounds like maybe your dad did not step up to the plate the way that Brett will.
I think this could end up being a wonderful win-win all around; but only if you believe it can. I hope you go, and I hope you all have a great time.
October 7th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Dear gawd, Dawn, get a grip! I started leaving Mallory overnight, once a year, at 6 months. I have left them all and sometimes for as long as a week (that was once, and we won a vacation to Hawaii). NO one was too traumatized. And I would call after they were in bed, so Brett could assure you everything is fine, and you wouldn’t have to hear a little angelic voice. I would urge Brett to have some fun tradition that they do when mommy is gone- dessert for dinner, breakfast at pancake house, a movie at the dollar theatre, a really big fort built in your living room (something maybe they sleep in). Give them a reason to look forward to you being gone.
It will probably be traumatic for you and Noah. I bet Madison will enjoy being a Daddy’s girl for a couple of days.
As for you, drink. Or at least keep busy. Take books to read when you get lonely.
October 7th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
The angel and devil on your shoulders are having a hell of a time, huh? Though it is tough to tell which is which…
I’m about to give you *advice* that I can barely heed myself, so hold on. You ready? Okay, here it is: let go of the guilt! It’s self imposed and unproductive. Then. Dear God, Dawn, get a grip!
Go on your weekend, have a blast, stretch out in between the crumbless sheets and buy the kids little souvenirs to let them know that you missed them and didn’t stop thinking of them.
If it will make you feel any better, a girlfriend and I are taking a weekend away from our daughters and husbands in three weeks and we CAN’T WAIT! We’ve already been in deep discussion about what to wear during our time in San Francisco and how we’re going to while away at least one afternoon at H & M followed by copious cocktails. I figure that if Ruby ends up in therapy as an adult, it will be because I never sent out proper birth announcements; the Mama Vacations will be so very secondary.
Go. Have a good time. Your kids will be fine.
October 7th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
in my humble opinion, it will be good for dh to be alone with the kids. dont they all deserve that experience on occasion.
and it will be good for you to get some alone time as well.
October 7th, 2006 at 3:49 pm
I’ll tell you a little story: I was in a similar situation a year or so ago. I needed to go to NYC, but had all the same feelings/thoughts/reservations that you have. In the end, I did go, and guess what? I didn’t miss everyone nearly as much as I’d thought (I was gone for work, and I did work, and the opportunity to focus on just one thing at a time was refreshing). Also, the kids didn’t miss ME as much as I’d thought (sobering, I know). They were in good hands, everyone knew I’d be back, and when, and they all did great.
When I returned, I had a renewed sense of appreciation for my life. Yes, it’s challenging. Yes, most of the time my plate is too full. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. And I am not sure that I could TRULY realize this perspective if I hadn’t taken time away, really away. It felt like I had options, and that made me feel empowered and grateful.
Hope this helps.
October 7th, 2006 at 4:00 pm
i so completely know where you are coming from. i’m very very ready now to be away from micah that long, and he is completely ready to be away from me, but he’s a year older than madison. i had my first 24 hour (probably more like 30-36 hour) trip away from him when he was madison’s age, and it was surprisingly much easier for both of us than i had anticipated. like you, i was mostly worried about the nights, but julie and micah coped quite nicely.
i also agree with other commenters that this is a gift you give to madison and brett, to have time alone. i think it’s really important. even if it’s a little hard for madison, i do *not* think it will be traumatic. i think if there’s a lesson for her, it will *not* be that mom can’t be counted on not to abandon her, but that dad *can* be counted on to keep her feeling safe and happy. and that when mom goes away, she comes back.
i think you’ll be in bliss while you’re away, not fretting overly much. i think you’ll come back jazzed and energized and better able to mother.
best of luck making this decision!
October 7th, 2006 at 8:00 pm
Dawn. Dude. Look at me. Are you looking at me? Don’t take the kids, OK? OK.
October 7th, 2006 at 9:15 pm
gah. i was just like noah. i hated my mama going away.
i think you should do whatever is going to be best for you. healthy mama = healthy kids.
October 7th, 2006 at 9:23 pm
Your post reminds me of how differently my younger brother and I reacted to my mother’s absences when we were kids-he used to get sick every time she was gone. I don’t remember minding. Of course, he was younger than me. I don’t remember how I felt when I was a toddler.
October 8th, 2006 at 12:56 am
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has thought processes such as this one.
It’s comforting. Enjoy your time!
October 8th, 2006 at 1:19 am
I was a mess the first time I did yet it all worked out great…except for the fact that I found my child running around the house in her underwear and her hair sticking up but other than that both of them did great…plus in your case she has an older brother there too. Don’t get me wrong…I still understand the angst but I take the amount of time away, the personality and the age of the child in perspective and weigh if it is doable for me…for instance, I took her with me when I went out of the country because I couldn’t stand to be away for two weeks w/out her (it was expensive and tedious traveling w/ a four year old at that time…so soon after 9/11) but a few days I could do…two weeks was out of the question.
Personality is big thing as well as how attached they are to your partner (or grandparent, or care taker) - hang in there…I’m sure you’ll figure it out but whatever you decide don’t let guilt consume you (although I’m totally guilt-prone…but still!LOL)
hugs,
October 8th, 2006 at 2:35 am
i am ashamed to say it never occurs to me to take my kids when i travel. i am leaving in fact this week for chicago for a business writing workshop. i cannot wait. i will spend two days in writing workshops, nights alone at a nice hotel and an extended weekend meeting with adoption friends (natural moms, amoms and adoptees). i cannot wait.
yes, my kids - my youngest especially - misses mom but i need to get away for more than just career development - it helps me retain my sanity.
October 8th, 2006 at 3:07 am
Dawn, it sounds like you are remembering how it would have been to leave Noah at that age. Since you didn’t like to be left and he was the same, it wouldn’t have been good. But it sounds like Madison will be fine! And so long as she is fine, I think you will be able to get some enjoyment in your few days away.
I leave my daughter (now 2.5) for a 3-day ski trip once a year. First time she was 9 months old. It was a bit tough on my husband (he was afraid he wouldn’t hear her if she cried at night so he slept on the floor of her room!) but their time alone together has always been so special for the two of them. I think Madison and Brett (and Noah) could have a great experience with their time together.
October 8th, 2006 at 3:38 am
I’m going away for 5 days in november and it’s funny, I never considered taking the family but it did hurt a little to make the decision to go. I’m looking forward to it though. Jamie will be two in just a few days and I’ve never been apart from him. I still do 90% of the heavy parenting - bedtime, night wakings, etc. - because of md’s health issues and I think it’s going to be great for him to have to figure out ways to cope without me.
For me, even before Jamie, leaving has always been the hardest part. I love being in new places and the actual traveling, but walking away from my home knowing it’s going to be days or weeks before I return always hurts a little. That’s what I’m dreading the most. The solid 8 hours of sleep will make up for it though.
October 8th, 2006 at 6:03 am
i went away without my two kids for a week at the beginning of the summer. i don’t think i could have done it when they were younger, and am glad i’ve found the freedom to do it now. it helped that my husband was so encouraging and really into the idea of taking care of the kids by himself for a week. they were upset at first, but then he encouraged them by telling them all the fun things they would do. i called to wish them goodnight, and they didn’t seem to complain much.
for me, it was great to be in a new place, and be able to go do things without worrying about someone else’s need for a bathroom, a drink, a nap, etc. and to sleep a full night. i was able to focus on the things that interested me, without distraction. and that ‘recharged’ me for when i got home and got back to full time SAHM.
October 8th, 2006 at 8:36 am
Type your comment here.
The vibe I’m getting from your post - stop me if I’m wrong - is that your common sense and your instincts are telling you that going is the right thing to do, but your guilt and your beliefs about what mothers ’should’ do are getting in the way.
If I’m right about this, then I’d have to add my vote to the votes of all the people telling you to go. Decisions based on guilt aren’t great decisions.
Have a wonderful time!
October 8th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
Hey Dawn — I vote for go. And I’ll tell you what I did when I had to go on my most recent big book tour trip without the kids.
I have the same kind of deal — one kid who throws herself on the ground sobbing if I shut the door while I’m in the bathroom, thus separating us from each other, and one kid who is happy to have me around but also fine with waving goodbye and giving me a big hug and kiss.
So I worried about Emi when I had to go on my NINE DAY trip more than I worried about Nate (who was also littler and less likely to grasp the whole passing of time thing in its total reality). We talked about it for weeks before it happened. Grandma was going to come stay with them. Daddy would be around too. Nothing was left to surprise.
And then I found these cool Chinese New Year money envelopes at a dollar store in Chinatown, and I made little notes for her — one for each night that I was gone. I wrote stuff that was that-day-appropriate (like “I bet you had a great violin lesson today” or “How was your playdate with Hannah? I bet it was fun!”) so it would seem more like I was really there, knowing about what was happening each day.
It was a total last-minute thing — I think i wrote those notes at like 3 in the morning before I left — but it was probably the best thing I could have done. She LOVED those notes. She looked forward to them every day. It really made her feel special (not least of all because I didn’t go to quite that extreme with the non-reading Nate — she got to have an Emi-mommy thing that he didn’t, and she is all about Emi-mommy only), and it made her remember that I was thinking about her and coming home soon.
October 8th, 2006 at 3:26 pm
I’m another vote for go alone. Good for you, good for Brett, good for the kids.
October 10th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
Dawn, you’ve already got all the comments you need, and you’ve made your decision–I just had to drop a note to say how much I enjoyed reading all this! There’s a great trend in your work here about how to parent different temperaments, and while that’s always complicated in your case by trans-racial adoption, it’s the kind of thing every parent has to think about. So thanks for the good read, and have a fabulous trip!