Disappearing Act
We laughed togther, and then I was able to ask another question I had been needing to ask all along.
“So where you been my whole life? You knew where I was.”
…
“I couldn’t do nothing for you,” he said, “and if I couldn’t do nothing fo ryou, what good did it do to muck up your life? I figured you were better off without my bringing my bad luck your way.”
“But why didn’t you ever visit at least?” I pressed. “Whether or not you had money, just to say hello?”
“You had Paul there,” he countered. “You would have just gotten confused.”
Man, isn’t that always how we justify keeping things from our kids?
But I really typed up this quote from Secret Daughter: A Mixed-Race Daughter and the Mother Who Gave Her Away (author June Cross is another presenter at Nieman) because it’s been on my mind. Even if he couldn’t have lived up to his idea of “father”, she still needed something that only he could give her.
…[T]here was no one who could teach me to pitch a curve ball, play a cool shot at billiards, whistle a decent tune, no one who might have given me the confidence to stand in front of a roomful of strangers and sing a song.
I’ve been thinking about fathers a lot — my own, Jessica’s, Madison’s both birth and adoptive. And so I’m typing this down because I’ll have to give this book back to the library eventually.
Another book I am going to have to get.
darn it. i’ve been waiting for this one to pop up in my library queue forever.
interesting that the daughter also has an idealized view of “father”. obviously, not all fathers, birth or adoptive, can teach the things mentions.
There is a great deal of shame inherent in being inadequate as a father. Shame generally leads to running and hiding from that aspect of oneself. Being referred to as a \”dad\” makes me uncomfortable because I do not feel I can live up to that title. Father is (or can be) a biology thing, dad is earned.
Dawn, as per your request, feel free to link to my blog in whatever way you see fit. Probably the domestic adoption area of your links would be most appropriate although I have a tendency to run off on tangents and sweet nothings at times.
I like your vegan lunch box link.
I am requesting this one from my library. Looks interesting!
I loved this documentary, and it really stuck with me. I saw it a couple of years ago and I still talk and think about it. I clearly need to read the book.
After I saw it, I wanted to ask my dad about secret children in our family, but I’m too scared. I *think* I would know, if there were any adoptions, but you never know for sure.