I don’t hate adoptive parents
Obviously, being an adoptive parent myself, it’d be hypocritical of me if I did. But I know sometimes I seem less than sympathetic.
I am very sympathetic towards adoptive parents theoretically; individually though, I cringe an awful lot when I happen on some of the less insightful adoptive parent blogs or postings. Sometimes we can be so damn stupid and worse yet, so unwilling to learn.
I’ve said a million times that I don’t fault feelings. Like I told Christine, feeling angry isn’t an issue. I’m unreasonably angry pretty often. I get angry at Brett for not reading my mind, I get angry at my kids for acting like children and I get angry at the weatherman for leading me to believe that today’s outdoor playdate plans make sense. However, I don’t punish Brett (usually) for not being psychic, I don’t punish my kids (usually) for their explosive chaos (although I do yell at them to keep it down to a quiet roar) and I have yet to put a revenge hit on a weatherman for ruining my plans. I can feel any way I like as long as I don’t use the worst of my feelings to drive my behavior.
I don’t have a problem with a waiting adoptive parent for feeling angry if an adoption plan falls through. If their anger means they rant to friends or go for a run or cry in the bathtub ’til the water runs cold then it’s hurting no one. And it may be necessary to get through the anger to get to peace. I do have a problem if the anger leads them (true story) to call the woman at home for weeks begging her to give the baby back until she’s forced to change her number. Or if they never resolve their anger and instead (and haven’t we seen this all over the web?) use it to fuel a campaign to smear first families, telling other hopeful adoptive parents, “You better watch it or you’ll get burned just like I did!”
I lay the blame at the feet of adoption “professionals” who don’t adequately counsel potential adoptive parents. When we matched then unmatched, we found good support from our agency who had told us it was a situation that might not happen. (They always say that anyway — that there’s a 50/50 chance no matter how “pro-adoption” it looks and that the arrival of the baby will always but always change things in unpredictable ways.) But this time they let us know ahead of time that they had a feeling she wasn’t strongly commited to her adoption plan and that choosing us was perhaps part of a process of not choosing adoption. When they called to tell us she would parent they were sympathetic to how we were feeling but positive about how this would work out for her. (In my social worker’s mind it was clear that she didn’t see this as a “failed” adoption but as an adoption never meant to be.) This helped set the tone for how we would handle it.
I wasn’t angry when T chose to parent and I can’t imagine being angry at Jessica had she chosen to parent. But our situation was unique because every situation is unique. Maybe if I hadn’t felt so confident in Jessica’s abilities — maybe if I’d had more fears about the baby’s enviroment, maybe I would have felt angry. I just can’t say. But it’s not feelings that matter so much anyway — it’s what we do with them.
You are a good and wise person. Reading this post made me feel good about humanity this morning.
wow. thank you to dawn and so many of my favorite moms for speaking so eloquently in the last few posts. i’m an adoptive mom in a wide-open adoption. i hear you on the adoptive-parent-hater-thing. been accused of such crimes as caring too much about my son’s first mom, making adoption into “too big of a deal,” and wanting to take away the rights of adoptive parents. i feel a little less alone and a little more hopeful every time i come to your site. thanks for that.
It is such a tough situation for everyone.
We can only hope that adoption professionals approach their job with honesty and integrity in dealing with ALL sides of the triad.
I’m an adoptive mom in a semi-open adoption (due to the adoption being through foster care) that we open up more every day it seems like.
The right of the mother to parent her child if she is fit to do is foremost in this process and that just can’t be said enough. If and when she decides to place her child or give up her parental rights, then the adoptive family comes into play.
I feel so bad for people who have had a failed adoption but the fact remains no one is owed a child. No one deserves to be deceived or coerced in any part of the triad.
A good ethical adoption professional will help faciliate the match but will also help keep both parties informed of all the options.
If a prospective adoptive family can’t handle the idea a mother might not decide to place, then they might need to find another adoption path.
I do get frustrated when I see some people scamming prospective parents. It seems like such a vicious thing to do but that is different than a woman who merely decides to parent.
Thank you. I appreciate your writing so much.
Absolutely right on, as always.
I don’t think mothers who scam adoptive parents should go to jail because adoptive parents who scam mothers don’t go to jail.
I think the fact that you can have scamming shows how backwards the system is in America.
I don’t hate adoptive parents either.
It is obvious that the sort of people who are not suitable to be adoptive parents are passing home studies and that scares me.
I don’t hate anybody, some people I don’t respect much. others I avoid, others I remember for their meaness in the past, but I don’t hate anybody.
Dawn, if all adoptive parents were like you and some of the other mums I have met in the blogging world - wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing.
And it really can’t be said enough that a mother who is fit has a right to parent her child but sometimes the family situation around her forces her hand. It’s not just about the mother being fit to parent, it’s about whether or not she has the support and self esteem to do so.
Adoption is such a multy layered and emotional subject.
Not hating adoptive parents is a good start but my God! don’t some of the comments you read just make you want to slap their smug faces?
[...] Ambrose Bierce So. There has been some discussion in blogland about anger and failed adoption placements. I haven’t even read the original blog post and comments that sparked the firestorm (anyone care to clue me in? I’m a glutton for punishment), but after reading two of Dawn’s latest entries (and the comments), I’ve got something to say, anyway. [...]