this woman’s work

I actually wanted to write about outlining

Sep 21, 2006 Adoption

But instead I’m going to write more about adoption.

Kathleen wrote:

I take issue with the idea that a refusal to sign adoption papers is the same as “deciding to parent.” My view is no doubt colored by working in family court. However, the idea that all parents who choose not to go through with adoptions go onto to actually parent the child is patently false.

My bias is to assume the best intent of families making adoption plans (not being forced to make adoption plans or else lose their children to social services). There are individual stories about terrible people who make adoption plans who do not follow through and then are abusive or hateful of use the children to manipulate partners, etc. There are also individual stories about adoptive parents who are abusive or hateful or use the children to manipulate partners. But we make policy on the most common scenarios and most commonly, people are pretty good.

Some of the antiadoption activists make a point of collecting stories about adopters who kill and obviously, this is an argument full of holes. There are many reasons to criticize adoption but pulling out stories of abusive adopters isn’t all that convicing to this (not abusive) adopter. Likewise circulating stories about terrible almost-birth parents doesn’t convince me that every adoption that doesn’t happen is a tragedy.

There are general truths about adoption and then there are specific truths about every individual adoption. Parents who consider adoption are given the same rights as parents NOT considering adoption. That means that some parents (who considered adoption or not) are going to be awesome and amazing and that some parents (who considered adoption or not) are going to be bloody awful.

Wendy asked (on the livejournal post), “How saintly can we be? I mean really? (we being adoptive parents) At some point isn’t there an “okay enough fucking with us, really now, get your shit together now” moment?”

We don’t have to be saints. We can rant, rave, feel bitter, hate the parents who chose to parent and weep for the baby that isn’t ours. Like I said, we can feel however we want to feel but we can’t dictate policy on the feelings of a few. That’s just the reality. That’s just what it is to adopt. And that’s also why we need the support of ethical adoption professionals who will help guide us when we are at our most fragile.

And yes, absolutely there can come a point where people can say, “Enough of this — make your decision or don’t.” The desperation that we can feel when we’re waiting to adopt can sometimes make us say yes to situations that aren’t working for us. Again, an ethical adoption professional can be a guide there; they can encourage you to say no. (I am amazed by the number of hopeful adoptive parents who are put out to sea by agencies and lawyers who shrug and say, “Well, hang in there. You never know what might happen.” That’s bullshit.)

I have learned more about the situation I was blogging about before (Cecily put it out there so I feel comfortable linking now) and it really is a truly shitty situation. But knowing how shitty it is doesn’t change how I feel about making generalizations. It says a lot about this almost adoption but not much about adoption in general. (I’m really wondering about the agency/lawyer here. I think they dropped the ball but don’t know for certain.)

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