But I think that parent that changes the plan must also understand the pain of a hopeful adoptive family. They shouldn’t base their decision on this, of course, but they must understand the effect of their actions, just as a family planning on adopting must understand that a change in the plan is a possibility.

I don’t think it matters emotionally if it’s a placement or an adoption — to prepare for a baby, to fall in love with that child before they are even born, to care for the mom while she’s pregnant, and then to have that child in your home, to finally hold that baby — and then to have a birth parent change their mind — it’s got to just tear your heart out.

How could you not be angry with someone for taking back something that you thought they were giving to you?

I’m not saying that changing the plan and deciding to parent makes a mom or a dad a bad person, but I do understand the anger of the hopeful adoptive family, and friends of the family. The anger doesn’t seem inappropriate to me.

Acting on the anger, or being hurtful or unkind to the parents would be inappropriate, of course, but feeling the anger? Expressing it in a safe place among friend?

I get that…

There are crummy biological parents, there are crummy adoptive parents. I am sure we all know of situations where children might be better off with another family. But that shouldn’t be a given just because someone considers adoption.

My view is no doubt colored by working in family court. However, the idea that all parents who choose not to go through with adoptions go onto to actually parent the child is patently false.

That’s where some of my “judgement” comes from. It’s difficult to remain steadfastly optismitic or even respectful of every parent when you see them time and again in familiy court.

It’s a complicated situation. While I certainly do not agree with demonizing anyone, pretending that shared DNA equals a true best interest of the child is equally absurd.