Yet more linkage!
The sterling Kateri writes:
Mourning is inevitable, whether it begins now or two years from now. The happiest, most peaceful birthmothers will mourn.She’s going to be powerfully motivated to please you, as her continued relationship (if that’s what she wants) depends on your trust. If her feelings do sour at some point (and I never knew, other people’s anecdotes notwithstanding, a first mother who didn’t have a single sour feeling about adoption) you will be the last person to find out.
I think about this a lot (re., Jessica). And I go, “Hey, how can she not tell me! We are so close! I would understand!” And then I think, “Wow, Dawn, you can’t even let her grief alone? You think you have a right to that, too?”
That’s when I have to crack myself upside the head (nicely, just hard enough to jar my brains back into place) as a reminder that Jessica and Madison will have a whole different take on this adoption thing and (as difficult as it is for me to admit!) I will have very little say in it. And also I have to remind myself that I cannot be a good enough adopter to save Jessica from her pain.
I have very mixed feelings about Bug’s mom, which of course is a very different scenario than most of what is being talked about. However, your last sentence struck me, because I feel that way about Bug. I can never be a good enough adopter to save Bug from her pain either.
That last line! That is it. That is what I want to say over and over again to anyone who will listen.
Yes. I think that is true about parenting in general, and everyone we love actually. But someone told us adoption was a good thing to do so why should anyone be in pain over it? We hear we are fixing everything by being great parents and giving them a better life… etc. So hard to believe and accept that pain is part of it and we don’t have control over that.
Word. Baggage (I almost wrote cabbage because I was thinking cubbie — I’m kinda tired), that, too.
Laurel, am I finally getting it??? You’ve only been (gently) prodding me for about two years!!!
Do you know how much I wish it was that easy though? Sigh. But yes, that’s it!
It’s weird reading all this stuff, I was actually thinking I needed to email Noelle and have her read the posts so I could discuss this stuff with her. Because after all she should share every little bit of every thought she has about adoption. I have never tried to make her escape her pain, never thought I had that power. Plus if I was honest I was afraid of it. I mindf*ck this more than she or Apple ever do. I know what she tells me, and I believe 90% of it. But I honestly don’t know what she doesn’t share with me. Maybe it’s all too painful.
“I cannot be a good enough adopter to save Jessica from her pain. ” Isn’t this the truth about everything–I can’t be a good enough X–wife, teacher, mother etc to remove the pain of life. All I can really do is remove my pain–deal with my own grief. I keep trying to come up with the “perfect” adoption scenario–where there is the minimum of pain and hurt–the prado optimal situation and it just doesn’t exist. It is so tempting to feel for other people to want to do that work for them. It is so hard to watch people we care about suffer and know that we can’t do anything. Realizing that it’s not about us is really humbling.
If J does, one day, express her pain … maybe it will help to know that (given the respectful relationship you two have) it won’t be about you or anything you’ve done.
It will be a natural, normal part of this process, and she will have her own path to walk in addressing it … as will Madison, who has two wonderful mothers… but will still, likely, feel a sense of loss.
That’s been a tough one. I got to see at least a little of M’s pain up close when we placed; and I hear that it’s part of the reason that we haven’t had a visit with her in over a year now (we’ve been in touch with her parents during this time).
I can’t make what she’s going through go away, and I probably shouldn’t be able to, if that makes any sense. I’d like to, but I can’t.
Yes to what speaking said- I think the big thing is that it’s normal- nobody has to feel blame, it’s just normal.
Anyway, I also wanted to add that so many adoptive parents want to take responsibility for the birthmother’s grief and discuss it and help them work through it and I just wanted to say that it’s okay not to.
I for one am perfectly okay discussing my grief with other people close to me or just dealing with it and other than a simple acknowledgement that it’s sometimes hard, would actually prefer not to work through it with my daughter’s mom. I guess it reminds me too much of that parent-child relationship it is so easy to fall into in these situations. Just my two cents.
Poor Statue- yes the parent/child thing. It’s very easy to fall into as an adoptive parent. For one thing first moms are usually (I realize not always) younger, alot younger than the adoptive moms. I have 8 years on Noelle. Plus in some ways this person is an extension of your child. I know I “nurtured” too much the first couple of years with her.