Comments on: Yet more linkage!

By: Lisa V

Lisa V — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 16:12:16 +0000

Poor Statue- yes the parent/child thing. It’s very easy to fall into as an adoptive parent. For one thing first moms are usually (I realize not always) younger, alot younger than the adoptive moms. I have 8 years on Noelle. Plus in some ways this person is an extension of your child. I know I “nurtured” too much the first couple of years with her.

By: Poor_Statue

Poor_Statue — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 15:37:49 +0000

Yes to what speaking said- I think the big thing is that it’s normal- nobody has to feel blame, it’s just normal.

Anyway, I also wanted to add that so many adoptive parents want to take responsibility for the birthmother’s grief and discuss it and help them work through it and I just wanted to say that it’s okay not to.

I for one am perfectly okay discussing my grief with other people close to me or just dealing with it and other than a simple acknowledgement that it’s sometimes hard, would actually prefer not to work through it with my daughter’s mom. I guess it reminds me too much of that parent-child relationship it is so easy to fall into in these situations. Just my two cents.

By: Karen M

Karen M — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 13:47:43 +0000

And also I have to remind myself that I cannot be a good enough adopter to save Jessica from her pain.

That’s been a tough one. I got to see at least a little of M’s pain up close when we placed; and I hear that it’s part of the reason that we haven’t had a visit with her in over a year now (we’ve been in touch with her parents during this time).

I can’t make what she’s going through go away, and I probably shouldn’t be able to, if that makes any sense. I’d like to, but I can’t.

By: speakingformyself

speakingformyself — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 05:32:24 +0000

If J does, one day, express her pain … maybe it will help to know that (given the respectful relationship you two have) it won’t be about you or anything you’ve done.

It will be a natural, normal part of this process, and she will have her own path to walk in addressing it … as will Madison, who has two wonderful mothers… but will still, likely, feel a sense of loss.

By: wavybrains

wavybrains — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 03:59:18 +0000

“I cannot be a good enough adopter to save Jessica from her pain. ” Isn’t this the truth about everything–I can’t be a good enough X–wife, teacher, mother etc to remove the pain of life. All I can really do is remove my pain–deal with my own grief. I keep trying to come up with the “perfect” adoption scenario–where there is the minimum of pain and hurt–the prado optimal situation and it just doesn’t exist. It is so tempting to feel for other people to want to do that work for them. It is so hard to watch people we care about suffer and know that we can’t do anything. Realizing that it’s not about us is really humbling.