Note to self (rant)
Do not read adoption threads. Just. Do. Not.
It’s disheartening, all that talk about prospective birth mothers as if they ARE birth mothers already. Jessica said it, too. She said she was definitely but DEFINITELY placing her baby. And you could look at Madison here and say, “See? She was right!” but it’s way, way more complicated than that. She was certain but that was before Madison arrived.
I won’t tell you the details in the hospital. I won’t tell you what she said to me or to the social workers because that’s not mine but let me tell you right now, the woman who told me she was placing her baby while pregnant was NOT the woman who placed living, breathing Madison with us.
She would get angry with us when we’d say, “You can change your mind” while she was pregnant but I’m glad I said it. And I’m glad I said to her in the hospital, “You can change your mind. It’s different now.” I remember saying that, “It’s different now that she’s here and I trust you.”
I remember being scared to say it (oh! I wanted that baby!) but I’m so glad now that I said it because I feel like I did right by her and so also by Madison.
Jessica is not Every Woman, christ, I know that. I know that her history is not your child’s first mom’s history. I know that our situation is not yours. I know that her thoughts, feelings and experiences don’t necessarily mirror anyone elses. I’m not saying that because Jessica wanted this or that that your child’s first mom should also want this or that. I’m saying in a vacuum, what does every woman thinking (planning!) on placing her infant with other people deserve?
I don’t know. But guard your heart, oh hopeful adoptive parents! Do not assume! That baby is not yours even if she’s promised and promised and promised — not until the papers are signed! Love her no matter what because trust me, as hard as it is to be waiting, it’s harder to be her.
I bet dollars to doughnuts that Bj’s parents call me and Homer the happy birthparents story. We were such different people at placement. =o( We are such different people now.
It’s just the very limited conversations we have, mixed with the very usual wouldn’t want to burden them with my feelings… I doubt they have a clue as to how we have coped with placement over the years.
I’m jumping topics aren’t I?
It was a different ball game before and after placement. And different birth parents deal with their grief and decisions differently. Apple’s birthmom disconnected with us, didn’t want face to face contact for 6 months, though she wrote and we wrote and send pictures. Apple’s birthfather called 10 times in the first 48 hours, just to ask what she was doing, what we were doing. It was huge and overwhelming and it could have gone either way. They went and terminated their rights a week after Apple was born. They could have done it in 48 hours, but our agency advised against it. Our state has no revocation period, so they want potential birth parents to have a little time to process. I know a week isn’t enough. I’m sure it was a longer week for them then it was to me. I really can’t imagine the mental gymnastics that must take place that week. It killed me then, but identifying with them is not the same as being them.
I can’t imagine how hard that must be..to not only have a relationship with the baby you are carrying but the potential adoptive parents.
I feel that I know all that too well without even having experienced it. I see myself saying until the last second “it’s your child, it’s your decision”. All the talks going on right now are just scaring me though. I really want to parent a child but not if it means that I will be responsible for making somebody miserable for the rest of their life. I so hope that I will be able to feel, sense that the first parents are freely making their decision…
Another excellent post. Thank you.
Thank you! I get really annoyed when waiting and “matched” adoptive parents say they’re “pregnant” and the like. Really, really annoyed.
That baby is not yours even after the papers are signed, that baby is OURS.
Thanks for this post. In the adoption paperwork that I am filling out, I have to state whether I would be interested in being at the birth or at the hospital shortly thereafter. My feeling is that I definitely don’t want to see the baby until after the papers have been signed, both to protect my own heart and to give the post partum mother alone time with the baby to re-evaluate her choice without feeling any pressure from my presence.
Thank you, Dawn, for verbalizing this so well.
In Korean adoption as I’ve experienced, the issue of pre-birth matching didn’t exist. Our children were referred to us after they had been relinquished to the care of a Korean social service agency. In a way, my experience is the flip side - even if it had occurred to me then that it was possible to communicate with my children’s mothers, the doors were locked tight.
This is OT, but sort of related - It frustrates me to see so many a-parents accept that, just as I did. Korean adoptees are shouting a different reality from the rooftops, but many a-parents just won’t hear it.
You wrote: “But guard your heart, oh hopeful adoptive parents! Do not assume! That baby is not yours even if she’s promised and promised and promised.”
Having just been through this, I want to weep when I read that. This was one of the hardest things about waiting, for us, after we were chosen as adoptive parents by an expectant family. It was agonizingly difficult to keep saying “if this is our baby” because we wanted him so much, but it was also agonizing to recognize that what we desired so deeply necessarily meant someone else’s loss. And I agree with Kim.Kim - even as I write this with him in my arms I’m acutely aware that he is “ours.”
When we were waiting for our son to be born and then later when my daughter was born, we called both kids the “maybe baby” out of respect for the birth parents. I was also very careful to not say, “Our baby” to either of them. It just didn’t feel right. I didn’t even set up the room for the baby until the last possible moment and I only set up the crib when my dad promised he would take it down before I got back, if necessary. We loved both children from the moment we heard about them, but by believing in open adoption, we have always made room in my children’s lives for both sets of parents. The bottom line–it is the best thing for the birth family and for my kids.
Word. I think that maybe part of the problem lies in potential ap education. Too many people think that when they’re matched, it’s a done deal — then assume that they are inherently better than the bfamily because they are _____ (married, college graduates, insert whatever here).