Just to be clear
Two people have misunderstood me so I know I must have been muddled in what I was saying.
I am NOT saying that women who adopt should give up plans to pursue treatment in the future. I AM saying that women who come to adoption through infertility need to be clear that our infertility journeys and our adoption journeys may be entwined but each is its own thing. I’ve seen people (and lord knows you must have seen people) who are still so mired in their infertility grief that they are unable or unwilling to step outside of their viewpoint and consider what adoption means for their child. Whether or not a family steps back into treatment to have a kid is a whole ‘nother issue. Whether or not a family chooses to do both is personal, too. I couldn’t have done it but that’s about me.
I’d still like to hear how other adoptive parents with fertility issues handled it while they were waiting to adopt. (I mean, if you wanted to share!)
I lurk on the China Adopt Talk boards/blog, and you see many, many such people who feel that way, that they just can’t think about all the hard questions, and that indeed, they shouldn’t have too, like infertility has given them a free pass. And while, you feel for them, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.
I think if you come to adoptiong through infertility and not just through your own you have a double burden. First, you have to handle the normal hard questions that come with adoption. Then on top of that, you have to handle your own feelings about infertility and that of your partner if you have one.
I sometimes wonder how Bug will feel if I had a biological child. Families like Dawn’s give me hope because it seems you are able to blend both of your children’s backgrounds in such a positive, unique and loving way.
I haven’t excluded the possibility of pregnancy down the line. I know that I don’t want it *now* but I have no idea where our family will be in, say, eight years’ time … We know we want a large-ish family, and it might well include pregnancy. That said, I tried to get pg for years, and it didn’t work, so it might also not include pregnancy! I’m young enough to shelve the option - right now it’s not important to me whether I might choose to try and get pg for a subsequent child after our first adoption or not. Though TTC seems like such a distant, hazy memory now, and not a good one!, I find it unlikely that I’ll want to do it again.
Hi Dawn. I always felt as if I needed to give up my dreams of a successful pregnancy and a biological child before I pursued adoption. Related to this is the fact that if I had been able to have a biological child after numerous miscarriages, I probably wouldn’t have tried for another pregnancy. Pursuing treatment and trying to conceive, being pregnant after several losses, miscarrying, and grieving my miscarriages have been stressful, heartbreaking, and practically all-consuming for me over the past several years. I think that *for me* (not judging anyone else’s choices here at all) I couldn’t do justice to parenting a child while feeling emotinally spent due to intentionally staying on the trying to conceive/recurrent miscarriage rollercoaster. Therefore, now that my husband and I are pursuing adoption, we are being careful about birth control and hope to avoid any more pregnancies.