My hubby and I discussed adoption BEFORE we were married. We both had childhood friends that were adopted and felt very strongly pulled to parent in that way, but also desired bio children.

When we began trying to get pregnant, it became obvious that bio kids weren’t going to happen and our opinion was thus: $10000 for IVF or $10000 to adopt. No contest. Almost immediately, a young woman whom we’d known for a few years, called us and asked if we would take her daughter and unborn son. She is mentally and emotionally impaired and is by state’s standards, unable to raise children. She raised Jessie for her first year all the while the state built their case.

So was adoption a plan B for us? No. It was just “in the cards” for us if you will. But I strongly urge infertile couples to NEVER consider adoption as a “plan B” because it’s not fair to the children. And of course, having walked through infertility myself, I know that it can take a little while to process the emotinos before you can come to a place where adopting is just a natural choice and not a backup plan.

Of course, having never been declared incompetent, the children’s birthmother conceived a third time and the state was at the hospital immediately after the birth (which I got to attend - WAY COOL!). Once more, their birthmother graciously turned to me and asked that my hubby and I raise this third child. I was overwhelmed. I love this woman, not because she filled my empty arms with her children, but because she thought me to be a good mother for them.

We’ve done some visiting and such but her disabilities make those visits short (she has an attention span of about 20 minutes) and awkward. I ALWAYS send her pictures and updates and the occassional colored school picture. The children get unsupervised time with their extended bio-family which I’m glad for (usually, there have been some unfortunate incidents recently that has me putting on the brakes a little.)

As a whole, I mourn for their birthmother and what she was forced to surrender whether by her own will or by the state’s mandate. She is a lovely woman, albeit, challenged. Her choice to parentwas revoked but she DID get to choose who would parent.

Currently, she’s better, well, better for her. She’s married and has had a fourth child, another girl, this past June. I’m on pins and needles, not because I want her to find parents for this child too or that I want her to chose to place with us, but because I have always hoped that she’d be able to raise a child competently herself. I’ve hated the fact that her choices thus far have been dictated, that her hand has been forced to place her children, even though it had been necessary. I would love nothing more to see her “whole” and raising this baby herself. Only time will tell.

I don’t know if that helps smooth some ruffled feathers, hearing about our unique adoption story (but they’re ALL unique, of course) but it pains me to see so many adoptive moms and adoptees hurting. My mantra for ANY life circumstance is simply: It is what it is.

In the case of adoption, open or closed, or being an adoptee or being a mother considering placing your child, you just have to go with it in the here and now and let life play itself out. We’re women and that predicates our emotions and fleeting feelings. Take a deep breath ladies and let it out nice and slow!

Much love to ALL people whose lives are changed by adoption,
Jennie

Of course no one is going to say, “Gee I wish I placed my kid for adoption…” Relinquishment at birth is a horse of a different color.

Sigh. I just can’t do this. I am so worn out of this sentiment. If nothing else, realize that flogging us does nothing for your ideals of encouraging others not to place. It’s just placing salt into an open wound instead of healing the problem you wish encourage to mend.

Wait… what?

Hi! My name is Laurel, aka Magicpointeshoe, and I am not a jerk by any means. Also, if you have that assumption or preconceived idea, you will *never* prove yourself wrong. I’m rather disappointed and hurt by your statements.