DS-L asked
Aug 13, 2006 Adoption, Infertility
But I sense and sensed, at least in many of my friends who came to adoption through infertility, a whole other layer of confusion, grief, wondering etc. Maybe they hadn’t done the work of processing that you all are talking about?
I don’t know. But it’s really not about the feelings; it’s about the entrenched idea that the feelings make it ok not to do the work around adoption. It’s what Wavybains said here:
I lurk on the China Adopt Talk boards/blog, and you see many, many such people who feel that way, that they just can’t think about all the hard questions, and that indeed, they shouldn’t have too, like infertility has given them a free pass.
Exactly. A free pass.
And actually I started these posts ‘cuz I was thinking about how sometimes people worry that being sad about their fertility story means they’re not ready to adopt. No, it’s not the being sad; it’s understanding that the sad isn’t the potential adoptive kid’s problem.
Ok, wait. I figured out how to find a quote. I didn’t want to quote from a blog or a messageboard because that would seem like invading someone’s space but then I remembered I had this news story saved from the anti-adoption article that wasn’t. Hold on and I’ll get it.
“How will I be able to prove I mailed a letter? How will I be able to prove how many pictures I sent?” said Amy Turner, a mother of two adopted children. “I want to be a parent to my child as if he were born to me.”
Nevada adoption bill sparks debate
I’ve got news for you, Amy, no dice. Your children were NOT born to you and adoption brings with it some specific obligations. You know, like not pretending they were born to you. And the bill Amy was protesting? It was to make post-adoption contracts legally enforceable so that if an adoptive family agreed to letters and pictures X times a year, they would have to follow through with that.
August 13th, 2006 at 2:03 pm
I can remember in our first seminar with our agency, our social worker got up and said “raising an adopted child is different.” At that moment there was this slow rumble through the audience. All of us had spent weeks telling our family and friends it was no different, that we would all still love the child the same, the child would be “our own.” She then went on to explain the ways it was different, even though in many ways it’s just the same as raising a bio kid.
Two years ago Apple, Bert and I sat on a panel for that same seminar. Now the social worker is even stronger. She brought in two birth/first moms from adoptions who were closed by the adoptive parents. She talked about how parents not facing what it means to have birth parents and issues with adoption is what can lead to adoptions closing…. there was one couple who got up and walked out. The woman yelling “I’m so tired of hearing about birth parents, we will be the parents!”
I think lots of infertiles (and most of the public) think it’s a god-given right to parent. If you can’t have a biological child, and go to your second choice, adoption- it should be easy- just like pregnancy is for other couples.
August 13th, 2006 at 4:03 pm
Adoptee speaking here. I know lots of people have their particular blind spots re adoption, and my own is infertility- I HATE having to admit that this is the reason that most adoptive parents adopt. I hate hate hate that “second-choice” shit. I really do, and I try not to think about it as much as possible. And I find it almost unbearable to be around people who have suffered eons of infertility and pain and cost and discomfort and STILL refuse to adopt because it’s “not their own” child. It kills me.
I know a small handful of people including my best friend, who are NOT infertile, for whom adoption is and always was their first choice. My daughters both insist that they want to adopt and not have bio kids at all. (they’re young, let’s see how this pans out) But I feel an incredible gratitude to those “first-choice” adopters; it helps lessen the sting just a little.
August 13th, 2006 at 6:13 pm
Susan, I know there are some who are blunt about adoption being 2nd choice, but there are also many infertile’s whom I have followed as they move from IVF land to adoption and who come to feel that adoption was their first choice, their best choice, the only choice they could have made. Many now laugh at their earlier misconceptions and preferences–it doesn’t mean that just because adoption was plan B that they always feel that way about it. I know I am not alone in being someone who happens to have fertility issues, but for whom adoption was always in the cards. There are plenty of infertiles for whom adoption is a relatively easy decision–”well now, I can do what I always planned on doing.” I think there are many, many shades of gray between “plan A” and “plan B” and “plan no way no how” people.
August 13th, 2006 at 8:09 pm
Being an adoptive parent simply isn’t the same as being a parent by birth. The additional responsibilities come with the territory, yet it surprises me how much resistance there is to this in the a-parent community, even today when there’s so much more information available via the internet and such. But maybe part of the problem is what it’s always been - people hear what they want to hear, and that may or may not be the full story.
As to first or second choice - I like to say that they were both my first choice, just at different times.
August 13th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
Applause for Nevada but why not make pre-adoption agreements legally enforcable?
All those promises made before the adoption is finallized about keeping contact, sending information and photos, whatever is worked out between all parties, that ought to be honoured legally.
I haven’t adopted as a solution to my fertility problems, well I got a Pug but that’s not what you meant is it Dawn? I can’t offer an opinion about adopting so won’t.
August 13th, 2006 at 9:11 pm
I don’t think adoption is second choice for many infertiles. Myself included. We stopped trying for a biological child very early in the game. I wasn’t comfortable with any kind of ART. It didn’t suit my sense of control. Ironically, I felt more in control of my life when adopting. I, do, however think much of the public who has rarely contemplated adoption in their own lives, feel that it is second choice. So to me that is where that idea comes from. Not as much from the adoption community, as from the world at large. That is what I meant in my previous comment.
To me saying adoption (even after IF) is a second choice is like saying your second husband is your second choice. Different opporunities come along at different times, creating different choices. I don’t think this means one is better or second to the other for most adoptive parents.
August 13th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
what about people like me who want to adopt, plan to adopt, but thus far are perfectly able to procreate biologically as much as I want, who “don’t want to” think about the hard stuff? I don’t think it’s limited to infertile people at all. I just… I mean I DO totally understand all the mental mindfuckery of adoption, I’m actually more of an anti-adoption type than anything, but at the end of the day I can give a girl or two from China a home and love her and let her bring some love to me, so I’m going to do that. No matter how much I contemplate and wax philosophic about how to make it so her own parents could want her and parent her, it’s just not going to happen. I can worry how much she misses her birth mom, but she’s never going to see her again. I can worry about culture issues, but at the end of the day all I can do is be respectful and try the best I can. I DO know there is NO WAY I could sit and write a blog about it all day like many moms do. Just No Way! It would be emotional visceration for me! I’d be so worn out and mentally undone I’d be unable to parent well. That’s just How I Am when I get “Into” an issue. I just can’t expend that kind of energy getting way caught up in it– but that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of it.
In a way, the “I’m tired of hearing about birth parents- we will be the parents!” woman kind of struck a chord with me. She’s right in a way. If people want to be parents that bad, then parent the child! (again, you’re talking to someone who in general thinks adoption is just about never the best solution) I don’t think it gives kids much security to so deeply instill the “birth parent” role that the “parent” role is …eroded? I mean either give them space to be a family or don’t. I know, I know, families form in all sorts of different ways. And I have noooo problem with people over at one another’s houses all the time and sharing pics and mementos, but I am talking all this constant emotional drama back and forth. My god if I had been one of those kids I would have gone absolutely nuts. I want to play baseball and dollies and ride my bike and know this lady birthed me and loved me and this lady raised me and loved me. It really did NOT need to get more complicated than that.
Now to be fair, my adoptive parent was one of those “obliterate the birth mom” types, but in later working out the relationships for myself I know I would have preferred it clean and simple like that. It worked much better when I was able, ALLOWED to put it in that context.
August 13th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
Susan - I am glad you put yourself out there — I have always imagined that it would be hard on an adoptee to know your parents tried for years to have bio kids and then decided to adopt (I hear you wavybrains that not all try for years, and not all do all of the invasive fertility treatments. I also know many may have had adoption in the cards all along.) Nonetheless, I think I would feel second choice, second rate. No matter what my parents said. I wonder if more adoptees who lurk have any thoughts?
I also think infertility is a HUGE issue. There is a ton of torment and pain. So I guess the question remains — How do you separate the two issues?? I assume (as a VERY busy Mom of 3) that once an adoption is finalized the sheer work and effort of parenting puts infertility loss on the back burner? What about grief counseling? Good adoption counseling?
DS-L
August 13th, 2006 at 10:47 pm
wkh - i think what you’re missing is that open adoption relationships aren’t always the result of the birth parent wanting to remain involved. or the birth parent wanting to be the parent. i’m a birth mother to a now 6-yr old boy, and an open relationship never occurred to me until his (potential, at the time) parents made it a possibility for us. they thought it was the best way for him (primarily, and them, and me) to integrate these choices into his life. i agreed to it because they are his parents and they think this is what is best for him, NOT because i want to be his parent. i’m definitely not that - i’m a friend, a resource, a playmate, and a connection to his roots.
August 14th, 2006 at 1:33 am
Dawn,
Thank you for this post. This is a problem I see in the adoption world, and something that I think needs reform (not all agencies are as good as Lisa V’s, though it’s VERY encouraging to hear that there is at least one doing it right!)–the pre-adoption education for potential aparents.
But I never feel able to talk about this, not being infertile, not being a an aparent or potential aparent, etc. I know mine is not the voice most people could listen to. So it means a LOT when aparents who also see it, take it upon themselves to address it.
I’m kind of bemused by your comments, wkh, specifically here: “In a way, the “I’m tired of hearing about birth parents- we will be the parents!†woman kind of struck a chord with me. She’s right in a way. If people want to be parents that bad, then parent the child! (again, you’re talking to someone who in general thinks adoption is just about never the best solution) I don’t think it gives kids much security to so deeply instill the “birth parent†role that the “parent†role is …eroded?”
What strikes me is that you think that “deeply instilling” the birth parent role somehow automatically, intrinsically “erodes” the parent role. Like you are seeing the two roles as in opposition to each other. But that’s not what they are at all! They are complementary roles. Together, we are two kinds of moms. Together, we create and mold our kids. Together, we give them the tools to become their own persons.
And the first part of the comment… “If people want to be parents so bad, then just parent!” just honestly really hurts. It demonstrates a real lack of understanding about how many of us come to the decision to relinquish. I wish you (and everyone agreeing with the walk-out woman) one day might be able to put yourself in our shoes for a moment, and really try to experience how it feels from our perspective. If not for my sake, if not for first moms’ sakes, then for adoptees’ sakes.
That’s all I have.
August 14th, 2006 at 2:04 am
((In a way, the “I’m tired of hearing about birth parents- we will be the parents!†woman kind of struck a chord with me. She’s right in a way. If people want to be parents that bad, then parent the child!))
OMG, it is comments like this that just fill me with despair.
August 14th, 2006 at 2:18 am
wkh - i think what you’re missing is that open adoption relationships aren’t always the result of the birth parent wanting to remain involved. or the birth parent wanting to be the parent. i’m a birth mother to a now 6-yr old boy, and an open relationship never occurred to me until his (potential, at the time) parents made it a possibility for us. they thought it was the best way for him (primarily, and them, and me) to integrate these choices into his life. i agreed to it because they are his parents and they think this is what is best for him, NOT because i want to be his parent. i’m definitely not that - i’m a friend, a resource, a playmate, and a connection to his roots.
———–
Katie I don’t have a problem with that. I am talking the freaking out mental anguish kind of stuff, not the hanging out blunt ass reality that there are many facets to ones parentage. At some point we need to fix lunches and match sox and go on with raising the kids yk? Exactly WHAT benefits are coming from this mental anguis?
Nicole… “What strikes me is that you think that “deeply instilling†the birth parent role somehow automatically, intrinsically “erodes†the parent role. Like you are seeing the two roles as in opposition to each other. But that’s not what they are at all! They are complementary roles. Together, we are two kinds of moms. Together, we create and mold our kids. Together, we give them the tools to become their own persons.”
Of COURSE I do. Because that’s how my stepparent adoption went! I get logically they are complimentary 100% but I was parented in a way where they were completely in opposition to one another. I wish the scenario had been “this lady birthed you and was mom and could not parent you so I will.” and then we could be friends and work it like that but ooooh no it was different. On the other hand evaluating day in and day out the angst of adoption would have done me exactly zero favours either. I wish to sam hell I’d had a mother who HAD decided to just PARENT instead of angsting about it for years! And believe me so does her/our entire family!
I think you’re missing something here. I recognize DEEPLY that craving to parent. And my point is PARENT YOUR CHILD. Don’t give your child up. Just don’t. I have never in my life heard of ANYONE regretting not giving up a child who wasn’t someone who was a jerk anyway. So parent the kid. Somehow it will work out. Angsting for year over it isn’t worth it no matter how intellectual we get. I’m incredibly anti adoption more than most people could ever imagine and I wish instead of giving speeches to potential adoptive parents YEARS after their own children were relinquished well damn why not parent your child and enjoy those bubbles instead? Instead we get angst and net drama.
August 14th, 2006 at 2:39 am
wkh- I don’t think anyone is missing out on the day to day parenting of their child by recognizing their first family. My blog is the place I use to process the stuff. I suspect it’s the same for many of us. Other than my husband or maybe my best friend, you would be hard pressed to find anyone in my real life who has heard me talk much about adoption in years- unless they are involved in adoption themselves. Really it doesn’t color my life or prohibit me from parenting. I think the fact that I have processed it emotionally and intellectually make me a better parent.
I also think that for most first/birth moms “just parent” is about as easy as “just adopt.” There are so many factors that lead to relinquishing a child, no one takes the decision lightly. And it is not always easy how you will feel 1, 5 or 10 years down the road. Especially when you are pressured and or coerced to place a child. Life is complicated. So is adoption. On all sides.
August 14th, 2006 at 2:41 am
It should have said “it is not always easy to predict how you will feel 1, 5 or 10 years down the road.”
August 14th, 2006 at 2:41 am
Ethnically Incorrect Daughter has a great post up that really dovetails with this discussion: http://ethnicallyincorrect.wordpress.com/2006/08/13/positive-adoption-language/
The article she refers to seems to be a plea for others to accept the mentality of “we just can’t handle thinking about this.” EID’s interpertation of the article is v. interesting too.
Wkh–I’m sure that no one sits their adopted child down and says “let’s have a big TALK today about your birthfamily! let’s talk about all the ISSUES involved. Let’s have some mental anguish!” Or for that matter, comes to their blog and says, gee what can I obsess over today? Rather, these kids COME to us all of the issues that give rise to the mental anguish. Our kids come or will come to us with the hard questions. I wish your own adoption had been better for all involved, but I don’t think that considering all the hard questions means dwelling in the past or living a life of hand wringing.
August 14th, 2006 at 3:43 am
“I think you’re missing something here. I recognize DEEPLY that craving to parent. And my point is PARENT YOUR CHILD. Don’t give your child up. Just don’t. I have never in my life heard of ANYONE regretting not giving up a child who wasn’t someone who was a jerk anyway. So parent the kid. Somehow it will work out. Angsting for year over it isn’t worth it no matter how intellectual we get. I’m incredibly anti adoption more than most people could ever imagine and I wish instead of giving speeches to potential adoptive parents YEARS after their own children were relinquished well damn why not parent your child and enjoy those bubbles instead?”
It’s just not that easy. It’s not usually a matter of “just parent, it will somehow all work out.” In many cases the “it will all work out” mantra may be TRUE, but RECOGNIZING that in the midst of a crisis pregnancy is not as easy as you make it out to be.
Couple that with the fact that we are often told parenting sucks, it’s hard, you won’t be able to handle it, you can’t do a good job, your kid deserves more than you can offer, and well…. the instinctive desire to parent is easily overridden by a lot of second-guessing. (Example: Damn, all these people who are parents are telling me it sucks, maybe it’s not fun parenting? Maybe it DOES suck? What do I know, I’ve never had kids… Or: Well I WANT to parent, but that is selfish of me. I have to do what is BEST for my kid. What I want doesn’t matter. This child is important to me, and if me parenting will really screw my child up, then we;;, even though I WANT to parent, I also want my child to not be screwed, so I guess I have to relinquish…)
It’s just not as easy as you seem to believe. And the fact that you are largely “anti-adoption” (or maybe more accurately, anti-relinquishment) doesn’t really mean anything to me. I’ve met plenty of people who are rather “anti,” but for all the wrong reasons–usually because they are judgmental of women who would relinquish in the first place, they think a woman should “own her responsibility” and “step up to the plate,” etc.
Maybe that’s not you, but the point is, being “anti” doesn’t automatically make you an advocate for first moms. By any stretch of the imagination. And it doesn’t mean you “get” the first mom experience.
It is just… not as simple as you’re painting it.
August 14th, 2006 at 4:38 am
“it will somehow all work out” doesn’t mean it would ever work out the way i would want it to work out - it’s simply impossible, given the way my relationship with the birthfather had worked out.
August 14th, 2006 at 4:57 am
“I have never in my life heard of ANYONE regretting not giving up a child who wasn’t someone who was a jerk anyway.”
Wait… what?
Hi! My name is Laurel, aka Magicpointeshoe, and I am not a jerk by any means. Also, if you have that assumption or preconceived idea, you will *never* prove yourself wrong. I’m rather disappointed and hurt by your statements.
August 14th, 2006 at 5:06 am
Oh holy hell, I mangled the interpretation of that last quote. Let me try again.
Of course no one is going to say, “Gee I wish I placed my kid for adoption…” Relinquishment at birth is a horse of a different color.
Sigh. I just can’t do this. I am so worn out of this sentiment. If nothing else, realize that flogging us does nothing for your ideals of encouraging others not to place. It’s just placing salt into an open wound instead of healing the problem you wish encourage to mend.
August 14th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
[...] I don’t usually apologize for commenters because they’re not my comments so I don’t feel particularly responsible for them but I have to apologize for wkh’s comments to the post below because I think they’re very hurtful and I know that quite a few of my readers found them offensive. (Several people wrote off-blog as well.) [...]
August 14th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
WOW! That is LOTS of discussion. I think I got lost between all the inaudible shouting as to what caused the riot in the first place. Here’s a brief synopis of OUR adoption circumstances, and I add that EVERY adoption story is different and comparisons should be made generally, not wholly.
My hubby and I discussed adoption BEFORE we were married. We both had childhood friends that were adopted and felt very strongly pulled to parent in that way, but also desired bio children.
When we began trying to get pregnant, it became obvious that bio kids weren’t going to happen and our opinion was thus: $10000 for IVF or $10000 to adopt. No contest. Almost immediately, a young woman whom we’d known for a few years, called us and asked if we would take her daughter and unborn son. She is mentally and emotionally impaired and is by state’s standards, unable to raise children. She raised Jessie for her first year all the while the state built their case.
So was adoption a plan B for us? No. It was just “in the cards” for us if you will. But I strongly urge infertile couples to NEVER consider adoption as a “plan B” because it’s not fair to the children. And of course, having walked through infertility myself, I know that it can take a little while to process the emotinos before you can come to a place where adopting is just a natural choice and not a backup plan.
Of course, having never been declared incompetent, the children’s birthmother conceived a third time and the state was at the hospital immediately after the birth (which I got to attend - WAY COOL!). Once more, their birthmother graciously turned to me and asked that my hubby and I raise this third child. I was overwhelmed. I love this woman, not because she filled my empty arms with her children, but because she thought me to be a good mother for them.
We’ve done some visiting and such but her disabilities make those visits short (she has an attention span of about 20 minutes) and awkward. I ALWAYS send her pictures and updates and the occassional colored school picture. The children get unsupervised time with their extended bio-family which I’m glad for (usually, there have been some unfortunate incidents recently that has me putting on the brakes a little.)
As a whole, I mourn for their birthmother and what she was forced to surrender whether by her own will or by the state’s mandate. She is a lovely woman, albeit, challenged. Her choice to parentwas revoked but she DID get to choose who would parent.
Currently, she’s better, well, better for her. She’s married and has had a fourth child, another girl, this past June. I’m on pins and needles, not because I want her to find parents for this child too or that I want her to chose to place with us, but because I have always hoped that she’d be able to raise a child competently herself. I’ve hated the fact that her choices thus far have been dictated, that her hand has been forced to place her children, even though it had been necessary. I would love nothing more to see her “whole” and raising this baby herself. Only time will tell.
I don’t know if that helps smooth some ruffled feathers, hearing about our unique adoption story (but they’re ALL unique, of course) but it pains me to see so many adoptive moms and adoptees hurting. My mantra for ANY life circumstance is simply: It is what it is.
In the case of adoption, open or closed, or being an adoptee or being a mother considering placing your child, you just have to go with it in the here and now and let life play itself out. We’re women and that predicates our emotions and fleeting feelings. Take a deep breath ladies and let it out nice and slow!
Much love to ALL people whose lives are changed by adoption,
Jennie
August 14th, 2006 at 10:45 pm
Whew! What a discussion. I want to defend my daughters birthmom who tried like heck to keep her daughter after she went into foster care, but just wasn’t emotionally able or physically able at that time. After a year of daughter being in our foster care, she reliquished before termination. It was very hard for her, but the right thing given her circumstances. Our open adoption seems to be the best for everyone considering there wasn’t a ‘best case’.