Getting help
I was watching this documentary (it’s only seven minutes long) today: A Girl Like Me. It’s about the way African American girls see themselves. (Thanks be to Tayari Jones for bringing it to my attention.)
Our new baby sitter is black and she is part of the Friedman Household Affirmative Action rally, which was inspired by reading Morning By Morning in which the homeschool mom talks about choosing to hire only black male tutors for her three sons. I wish I had the book here so I could quote her about it. She says that some people argued that she was being racist in choosing to hire black men first and black women second but she says, basically, that she wanted to hire people who looked like her sons so that her sons would have a vision of what they could be and because her sons would grow to be black men, she felt they needed black men to be role models.
This was a lightbulb moment for me. Not that Madison would need black women to be her role models but that I needed to be specific in my outreach to find them for her and that I had to be willing to put myself in a position that might sometimes jar my liberal, white comfort level.
So I kinda have this plan in my head. First part was to find black childcare for Madison when we looked for childcare. Second part was to start looking for homeschool resources at libraries and rec centers in predominantly black neighborhoods. (Fall schedules are just coming out now.) Third part is that when we need tutors, we will also look specifically for black tutors, even for Noah. (Because Noah has plenty of white male role models already and diversity is good for our whole family.)
The part about the dolls in the documentary? The Kenneth Clark-inspired experiment? Made me cry.
“And can you show me the doll that looks bad?” asks the narrator.
Little girl holds up the brown-skinned doll.
“And can you … why does that look bad?”
“Because it’s black.”
“And why do you think that’s a nice doll?”
“Because she’s white.” (note the pronoun change)
“And can you give me the doll that looks like you?”
Little girl looks at the brown-skinned doll and then slowly slides it over towards the camera.
“15 out of 21 children,” intones the narrator. “Preferred the white doll.”
Whatever I can do to make that different for my girl, I’m going to try to do it. And I think a big part of it is to give her a range of women who can teach her pride in her beauty and strength in a way that I simply can’t.
This is a complicated thing for us. We had an affirmative action plan before Nat and now it’s changed a bit.
I totally agree with your ideas about tutors and homeschool resources and even about a black childcare provider for the most part. But as it has turned out, I’m really glad Nat has a white, male childcare provider (specifically) because how often do you see that in our society? I think it’s good for her to know that white men can and ought to be nurturing to others–esp. women and girls.
On the other hand, we are looking into what Parks and Rec offer around here for her in the coming year because there should be more children of color in those programs than in some of our other (more private-type) options for activities. And I think the tutoring thing is just a fabulous idea for Madison and for Noah and we will take that one right up when the time comes!
On the other hand, when it comes to hiring other kinds of possible “help” like housecleaning (which we may do someday if our budget ever allows) I absolutely refuse to hire a Black person for that kind of job. That’s very different from the choice I would have made before Nat. I don’t want her to get the impression that Black people are the “servants” and white people the property owners.
Heartbreaking. I’ve read of studies like that, and they make me want to cry. How awful to internalize such a hurtful message at such a young age.
Wow. Powerful on so many levels. But I support and agree with what you are saying.
I am a very “diverse” mama. Friends from all races, homosexual, etc. I appreciate diversity and require it (frankly).
When my eldest was younger, he refused to play with asian children. It was very odd. When I asked him why he said “becuase they are black”. This blew me off my seat. We dont talk like that at home, to my knowledge he had never been exposed that that, it horrified me that I had a white supremecist 4yo. lol.
The town I love in is considered very “white bread”. While I love the town, I dislike the diversity. I go out of my way to have my son exposed to all races. Interestingly, his two best friends have been hispanic boys bused in from nearby inner city housing projects. Whewf. I am glad he got past that but it REALLY REALLY bothered me.
So yeah, I think its cool what you are doing for Madison.
While we didn’t look specifically for a black childcare provider - searching for childcare was way to emotionally draining for me, knowing I only had 8 weeks at home - one of the many reasons we wanted a home daycare was diversity. Our dcp is black. Her husband is often home and plays with the kids, so Jamie has another adult male that is active in his life. There is one other white family, the other three are black, asian, and black/asian.
Now, sometimes I struggle with communicating with our dcp because we have such different styles. She grew up in the south, I’m a total midwest whitebread girl, so I see it as a good experience for me too.
yes, obviously discrimination exists; has existed and sadly will continue to. and when there comes a time when there is no discrimination based on race, i believe the human race will find something else to separate us so some of us may feel superior to others.
does this mean that its ok for noah, a white child, who perhaps has access to this blog, to grow up thinking that he is less because he is white.
i feel that is what is sometimes implied. and i find it offensive.
isnt this a kind of self hatred.
I find this discussion very interesting. I enjoyed reading back to your Morning by Morning post too, and would have commented if it wasn’t last year’s. I think about this a lot. I live in a mixed neighborhood and have gone out of my way to get in a YMCA, pool, church, ect. that leans more to the black side. I am trying to move toward black professionals like dentist, dr. and vet, etc. But the school I teach at is private and not very diverse. It’s a great school in every other way. There is one black male science teacher in the middle school. I do what I can to influence more diversity. Homeschooling is not an option for me (single parent, one income) so the choice is public or my private. These choices are so important and have such a long lasting effect. I appreciate hearing from other parents like you about what you are doing.
My children…
I admit to thinking about this only a little bit about this right now on the back burner of my mind.
Soon, I think it needs to be moved to a front one, with higher heat.
I’m a little worried that I haven’t given it that much attention because they pass in my family.
Hmmm.
If you’ve never visit http://www.dollslikeme.com you definitely should. This is where I buy my daughters’ dolls.
One of the challenges our family faces is the tendency among some whites to discount racism against Asians, particularly educated Asians. But it’s most definitely there. Getting into the Korean American community - and by that I mean getting active in organizations that represent the KA community, rolling our sleeves up and working - has been the best way to educate ourselves to the issues.
I think you have to be careful, too, to make sure you are really embracing your child’s community, not just connecting to fill certain needs. I worried about that in the beginning, which is what ultimately encouraged me to roll up my sleeves and go to work. And from the work have come friends, which are really important.
this post made me feel vaguely uncomfortable, but i’m afraid i can’t really articulate why in the limited time i have now without probably coming across as holier-than-thou. i’ll think on it and maybe try to comment — or email — later.
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