Comments on: Sanctimonious http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/ dawn friedman's blog Sat, 22 Nov 2008 12:48:41 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: speakingformyself http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13841 speakingformyself Wed, 09 Aug 2006 23:17:00 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13841 I would imagine it supremely frustrating to watch others put your (and M’s and J’s) experience on a pedestal … only to witness what happens, of course, to anything put on a pedestal: Someone attempts to knock it off... or it simply falls ... because nothing is meant to be up on one. That said, I don’t “know” you intimately, but I consistently see these things when you post on this topic: Willingness, vulnerability, humility, and (most importantly) empathy. These are good things. I hope you hold onto them even if employing these qualities in your writing makes others uncomfortable. Maybe some who read them are having some entrenched paradigms shift -- and that is always uncomfortable. So true, this adoption “thing” is evolutionary; a process. Like you, my own words now would have scared the shit out of me ten years ago -- as did other's words: (I attempted to read “Giving Away Simone,” eight years ago … and was so horrified I had to put it down. Now I see it through altogether different eyes.) Now, looking back even on some articles I wrote two years ago, I would change portions of them. So, with a degree of fear and trembling, we hopefully continue to tentatively reach out, to learn and question and attempt to understand … and even change our minds, be wrong, be human. It takes guts to do this work at all, Dawn, let alone in public space. As a hopeful pessimist, I still believe wrestling with this stuff will, ultimately, leave our kids with a smaller pile of "baggage" to contend with. I am so glad you keep writing. I believe people are being educated as a byproduct, even as your intention is simply to understand your own experience (and M’s and J’s). Geeze, I don’t comment often … so I tend to ramble when I do. Your words are important here; imperative in some ways. I hope they keep coming and I thank you for them. Terri I would imagine it supremely frustrating to watch others put your (and M’s and J’s) experience on a pedestal … only to witness what happens, of course, to anything put on a pedestal: Someone attempts to knock it off… or it simply falls … because nothing is meant to be up on one.

That said, I don’t “know” you intimately, but I consistently see these things when you post on this topic:

Willingness, vulnerability, humility, and (most importantly) empathy.

These are good things. I hope you hold onto them even if employing these qualities in your writing makes others uncomfortable. Maybe some who read them are having some entrenched paradigms shift — and that is always uncomfortable.

So true, this adoption “thing” is evolutionary; a process. Like you, my own words now would have scared the shit out of me ten years ago — as did other’s words: (I attempted to read “Giving Away Simone,” eight years ago … and was so horrified I had to put it down. Now I see it through altogether different eyes.)

Now, looking back even on some articles I wrote two years ago, I would change portions of them.

So, with a degree of fear and trembling, we hopefully continue to tentatively reach out, to learn and question and attempt to understand … and even change our minds, be wrong, be human.

It takes guts to do this work at all, Dawn, let alone in public space.

As a hopeful pessimist, I still believe wrestling with this stuff will, ultimately, leave our kids with a smaller pile of “baggage” to contend with.

I am so glad you keep writing. I believe people are being educated as a byproduct, even as your intention is simply to understand your own experience (and M’s and J’s).

Geeze, I don’t comment often … so I tend to ramble when I do. Your words are important here; imperative in some ways. I hope they keep coming and I thank you for them.

Terri

]]> By: afrindiemum http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13840 afrindiemum Mon, 07 Aug 2006 01:53:46 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13840 i love this - this is so very true for me: "If I had read my own blog way back when it would have freaked me out. I wasn’t ready to think about any of this yet — I just wanted a baby. I read some other waiting-to-adopt blogs and I admire them so much because they are way WAY ahead of where I was at that same point in our adoption journey. It would have terrified me to read about all the openness, all the adoption talk, pictures of Jessica up in our house — eek! I wasn’t ready to consider any of that. Really, it’s a good thing our wait (from when we contacted the agency on) was long because it gave me time to figure this stuff out." ps - may be in ohio soon... i love this - this is so very true for me:

“If I had read my own blog way back when it would have freaked me out. I wasn’t ready to think about any of this yet — I just wanted a baby. I read some other waiting-to-adopt blogs and I admire them so much because they are way WAY ahead of where I was at that same point in our adoption journey. It would have terrified me to read about all the openness, all the adoption talk, pictures of Jessica up in our house — eek! I wasn’t ready to consider any of that. Really, it’s a good thing our wait (from when we contacted the agency on) was long because it gave me time to figure this stuff out.”

ps - may be in ohio soon…

]]> By: kim.kim http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13839 kim.kim Sun, 06 Aug 2006 08:53:16 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13839 Jessica gets treated better than I did. Jessica gets treated better than I did.

]]> By: Jennie http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13838 Jennie Sun, 06 Aug 2006 01:20:16 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13838 Definitely, you have a unique experience. Definitely, you are a vocal woman who is unfettered by the unspoken but harshly demanded societal norms for both life choices and verbalization. But I like that. It helps me open up too. To say you are sanctimonious? Well, aren't we all just a little proud of ourselves regardless of our individual accomplishments? And what other reasons do we use our blogs for than to boast a bit? Our open adoption is regrettably challenging. It's not going how I wanted it to at all and I am increasingly frustrated by the choices we've made and the choices the birthfamily as a whole has made, some of which have literally harmed our children's welfare. When at once I was shouting from the mountain tops that open adoption was the best and only good way (published consecutive articles in Adoption Today in 2002 on the subject) I am not rethinking and retooling our situation, trying hard not to pack my bags and run away from the children's birthfamily altogether. Life is what it is, for whoever isliving it. I don't walk in your shoes, but I like the way those shoes look on your feet. How's that? Definitely, you have a unique experience. Definitely, you are a vocal woman who is unfettered by the unspoken but harshly demanded societal norms for both life choices and verbalization. But I like that. It helps me open up too.

To say you are sanctimonious? Well, aren’t we all just a little proud of ourselves regardless of our individual accomplishments? And what other reasons do we use our blogs for than to boast a bit?

Our open adoption is regrettably challenging. It’s not going how I wanted it to at all and I am increasingly frustrated by the choices we’ve made and the choices the birthfamily as a whole has made, some of which have literally harmed our children’s welfare. When at once I was shouting from the mountain tops that open adoption was the best and only good way (published consecutive articles in Adoption Today in 2002 on the subject) I am not rethinking and retooling our situation, trying hard not to pack my bags and run away from the children’s birthfamily altogether.

Life is what it is, for whoever isliving it. I don’t walk in your shoes, but I like the way those shoes look on your feet. How’s that?

]]> By: Lisa V http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13837 Lisa V Sat, 05 Aug 2006 22:29:19 +0000 http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2006/08/05/sanctimonious/#comment-13837 When we met M and Noelle they once said they wanted to be us when they grew up. I think it's the same with us as with you and Jessica. I would have been good friends with Noelle if were co-workers instead of linked by adoption. We clicked. It's not that way with everyone, and I never forget how lucky we are that it did. I really think this is a good reason for prospective adoptive parents to be honest in the profiles they submit to agencies and pregnant women. Warts and all, you will have a better chance of meeting someone who can truly become family. When we met M and Noelle they once said they wanted to be us when they grew up. I think it’s the same with us as with you and Jessica. I would have been good friends with Noelle if were co-workers instead of linked by adoption. We clicked. It’s not that way with everyone, and I never forget how lucky we are that it did. I really think this is a good reason for prospective adoptive parents to be honest in the profiles they submit to agencies and pregnant women. Warts and all, you will have a better chance of meeting someone who can truly become family.

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