Domain name birthday
Aug 1, 2006 Adoption
Apparently I first registered this domain five years ago today. Somebody bake me a cake! (I’d bake my own cake but it’s too darn hot to turn on the oven out here in the east midwest!) (Why is Ohio considered midwest when we are mid but not west?)
On to being jealous of Jessica. Don’t expect great prose because I haven’t had my coffee yet and everything is still looking pretty fuzzy to me.
So the first time I became aware of being jealous of Jessica was after we brought Madison home and one day I was examining her little body in the besotted way a new mother has and I noticed her beautiful, beautiful thumbs. Madison has very elegant thumbs; I do not. Madison gets her thumbs from Jessica, who also has very capable graceful hands with long fingers and thumbs. I have hands that look like they belong on the toddler walking doll I had as a kid. My hands have big palms and stubby little fingers. I didn’t feel like I could measure up to those thumbs. I didn’t feel capable of parenting a child with such elegant thumbs.
(I’ve tried to write essays about this but I write, “My daughter has elegant thumbs” and then stare glumly at the computer screen.)
Her thumbs represented every way that I felt I fell short of all that Madison needs and deserves. People with thumbs like that — what did I have to teach them? She would grow up beautiful and full of grace and I would remain the leaden lumpy person that I am, someone who doesn’t understand how to pick out the right shade of lipstick, how to rhumba, or how to speak fluent French. In short, someone who didn’t deserve such a daughter. And I felt jealous of Jessica, with her undeniably lovely hands that had shown up there at the ends of the arms of the person who was supposed to be my child.
I thought this when Madison was very small and we were all getting to know each other. I was still crying for Jessica and I was tired of thinking about it. I was tired of admiring my daughter’s hands and having to remember that she wasn’t mine at all and that my should-have-been-happy story was being all mixed up with someone else’s loss. I felt very jealous and mean and I would cringe when I saw Jessica’s phone number come up on caller ID. I’d think, “Can’t I get away from this for just one minute??” I felt put upon. (In my defense, I was also getting very little sleep.) I wanted to just settle in and be Madison’s mom and quit thinking about her other mom. I could see the appeal of a semi-open adoption where my only obligation would be occasional pictures. Then I could pretend that I was there for Madison instead of being constantly reminded that in a very profound way, she was really there for me.
I still have flashes like this. I still sometimes feel wholly inadequate to parent Madison and then I get self-pitying because I think about how she might find Jessica a better resource than me. I start worrying about rejection when the kid can’t even wipe her own bottom yet. I indulge in jealous brooding.
But here’s the thing. At the heart of it all, I believe in openness. I do. I believe it’s best for Madison even when it’s been hard for me. I believe that risk is part of adoption (is part of parenting) and pretending it isn’t will just end up hurting the child I love. Because I believe the way we’re doing it is best, I believe any of my negative feelings are my problem and I don’t need to make them her problem. Besides, like I tell the kids all the time, we’re allowed to feel any way we want. I can feel jealous. I can feel negative. I can feel overwhelmed. But whatever my feelings, I need to be true to my beliefs. I can feel however I want as long as I don’t allow my feelings to override my good sense.
I always say, as long as you don’t let your negativity drive your behavior or your vote, it’s all good. Let it out, admit the worst and then let yourself move on. Whining to Brett about being jealous: OK. Whining to Jessica or Madison: Not OK. Writing it out in a blog entry: OK. Being motivated by jealousy to limit contact between Jessica and Madison: Not OK. It’s all in what you do with it.
My jealousy springs up now when I hear people who take their fertility for granted, who take adoption for granted. I mean, jealousy, she is my constant companion. (Don’t even get me started on jealousy and writing because we’ll be here all week!)
I’m a jealous person; sadly (for me) it’s an awful lot of who I am. But that doesn’t mean I can’t rise above it and strive to be better than my jealousy. Harder to do when I’m stalking my evil ex-boyfriend who’s about to publish his third book; easier to do when I’m considering the rights of my daughter, with her elegant thumbs.
August 1st, 2006 at 1:40 pm
Not hurting Jessica or Madison because of jealousy, that’s such a spiritually huge thing, I really respect that.
Of course you have these feelings, I can’t imagine Jessica not being jealous too.
I think it’s very normal to have jealousies, I struggle with that too. I am very jealous of Holly Cole, Christina Aguilera, Elle Macpherson, Naomi Campbell, Anyone with a flat stomach and millions of dollars in the bank, all women pushing prams or holding a child’s hand, the woman next building down with twin girls AND a campervan, Whitney Houston, you, the list is endless.
I am also jealous of L’s adoptive mother for having had her when I didn’t. I know she is jealous of me too.
You have your own elegance Dawn, you are much loved and needed.
August 1st, 2006 at 1:46 pm
In time this diminishes. Really. By the time Apple was 10 or 11 it was completely gone for me. The only way I got over it was to fully live my relationship with both of them. I know Apple loves me (I knew that before too but just not in the same way) and I am her mother. You are healthier than I because you vent it. I never vented to anyone. I loved Noelle too much to ever let it get in the way of our relationship. I am grateful it’s over.
I wonder if race too, could play a role in your feelings? That Jessica has another connection to Madison that you don’t ?
I have never understood the midwest. I think it’s really mideast, but of course that title is taken.
August 1st, 2006 at 4:10 pm
its hot here, in the northeast also. supposed to hit 100 today.
anyway, like you said, you are entitled to your feelings. some should be acted on. some should just stay feelings. you are a smart woman and obviously know the difference. the fact that you are thinking about it is admirable. there are things jessica can give madison that you cant. and there are things you can give madison that jessica cant.
what would madison prefer? we will never know. shes growing up with you most in her life. i think she will grow most comfortable with you because you are there for her more.
August 1st, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Your honesty is so refreshing and very helpful. Jealousy encompasses so many definitions. It is after all an experience very common in human relationships. Acknowledging that it is a feeling we have the right to experience makes us, as you say so well, able to not let if override our good sense.
Now, if I could only remember all that, the day it happens to me!
August 1st, 2006 at 4:45 pm
What a gift you give your daughter and her mother with your openness!!
Thinking about the role race might play in these feelings - for me this could be true, at least to some degree. I don’t know if I would call it jealousy, but I occasionaly get a twinge of frustration or something that I can’t share their ethnicity, can’t be a part of their people. I accept it, but there are sad moments from time to time when our differences hit me.
And if you’re in northern Ohio, you can call it the North Coast!
August 1st, 2006 at 6:13 pm
I am a very jealous person as well. And even though our adoption isn’t open at this time, I feel very jealous of some things. I also feel jealous of people who get to spend time with their kids before they turned 9. So that puts me jealous of almost all mothers. Which sucks.
I also am jealous of pretty much all bloggers, because they tend to be able to express their thoughts a lot more eloquently than I am.
August 1st, 2006 at 6:18 pm
Wow. Deep.
I am intensely jealous of AJ for being able to breastfeed Charlie. And then I am angry because she takes it for granted… even talking about weaning him after his first birthday. Then she talks about how she only does it because it’s the only nutrition he can get besides the vivonex, and we can’t afford $100/day to feed him and insurance won’t cover it.
Then I think about how I would LOVE to breastfeed him, how much it would mean to me. And I hate myself for willingly giving up that opportunity when I had a reduction. And she knows I’m jealous of her, and she doesn’t get it.
But I don’t want her to stop breastfeeding him. I can be jealous that she can do it, and not me, but that doesn’t mean I want it to stop. I can be jealous of the bond, but not want it to be broken. Just like you can be jealous of Jessica, but still not want her out of Madison’s life.
I think it takes a big person to admit what you did though.
August 1st, 2006 at 6:48 pm
Wow. That was amazing, Dawn. Thanks for writing it.
>Then I could pretend that I was there for Madison instead of being constantly reminded that in a very profound way, she was really there for me
My daughter was not adopted, but this resonated with me. It’s something I work to detangle.
August 1st, 2006 at 8:28 pm
I am jealous of your open adoption. I am jealous of everyone who can breastfeed their child. I am also jealous of your writing, because you are so good and work so hard at it!
Your really have it right here, the feelings are just ours. The sense and will to act is ours also. It’s what we do with what we have that makes the difference.
I think being able to talk/blog about it with other women is a huge encouragement and positive stimulous for me, so thanks.
August 1st, 2006 at 8:29 pm
And congratulations on your five year anniversary! That is GREAT!
August 2nd, 2006 at 12:36 am
Ahh, jealousy. I can’t figure out why I just can’t put it in a box and lock it shut.
I do think that you are right about naming your jealousy (in the right setting) and finding ways to do deal with it. Because if you don’t do that it will just come out in the worst and most passive aggressive ways.
August 2nd, 2006 at 1:53 am
Jealously is something I can certainly understand. I’m jealous of Jessica, too. She has the adoption I tried to plan for. She has you.
August 2nd, 2006 at 2:25 am
I can’t really imagine. But I’m so glad you share this stuff with us.
The Midwest thing mystifies me, too, because I really did grow up in the Midwest. But the western thing was a shifting target, and where you live used to be the Northwest Territories.
A lot depends on where you stand when you give a thing its name.
August 2nd, 2006 at 9:24 am
I was reading a book about being adopted and “K” asked what it was about. I talked about it and she said “you weren’t adopted” so I talked about how that was exactly why I was reading it so I could better understand. We then talked about how different we were (not just that it looks like she is the black adopted child of white parents but the fact that we are hispanic and that adds another difference…people look at us once because of the visual difference but the auditory difference makes them look again…the attention can be a bit too much at times) - anyway…all that (”I never could say anything in 20 words or less” - Concrete Blonde) to say that there are times I’m jealous of adoptive families that can “blend” in. Specially now that we are “on the road” - EVERYONE is focused on us. Can we handle it? sure…but I”m jealous of families that take the resemblance for granted. I’m also jealous of the contact my daughter has w/ her first mom (I wrote to her and now they are writing to one another until they can meet…I hope/expect that someday they will be able to have as many visits as they like) even though it is through letters. Her first “I love you too!” killed me although I know that the fact that her first mom was able to say “I love you” and that she was able to read it means a lot to both. Like you said…venting to my hubby? ok, venting to “K” or her first mom? Not ok. Like you, I know that this is the right thing for us no matter how jealous I may feel at times but its there. I know that when the time comes when they start to really bond I’m going to be grinding my teeth at night a lot, but I want this for them. I’m glad you posted this…I thought you didn’t feel this way so I felt a bit better knowing I wasn’t alone. I used to wonder if it was because I’ve never been pregnant, never knew what it was like to carry a baby to term and if this somehow made me feel more jealous and selfish with her…not sure if that made sense…but like if I had had a child through my body then I would be more understanding and willing to share her with her first mom. because I would have know how painful the separation was (?) ..so yeah…I’m glad you posted this. Thanks!
P.S. I was also jealous of birth dad at first but I’m way over it….we sort of adopted him too! I find myself worrying about him (medical issues) like I would for any family member….weird the way life turns.
Hugs
August 2nd, 2006 at 1:04 pm
Oh, yeah. Thanks for writing about this, Dawn!
Even after all this time, I’m horribly jealous of M. And I know she’s jealous of me as well. It’s not going to stop us from doing what we think is best for Big Girl - at least I hope not - but it makes things hard at times. I’m still jealous of pregnant women waltzing down the street, I’m jealous of breastfeeders…I need to stop this now.
Stay cool! We finally made it to 85 yesterday, so I can tell you there’ll be an end to the heat.
August 2nd, 2006 at 6:02 pm
Dawn, this is the most gorgeous post. I do not know your experience but I still feel a bitter lump in my throat whenever anyone tells me, “he just needs to look at me to get us pregnant.” It’s all I can do to refrain from snapping “well how nice for YOU!”
August 3rd, 2006 at 4:53 pm
This is a really beautiful post. I love your description of the thumbs.